I am not a perfectionist, though my parents were.
It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives.
A lie never lives to be old.
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate
plants.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers. Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.
A surplus is when politicians can't decide on where to waste all the money.
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.
I am in shape (Round is a shape).
Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
There are always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Never eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than a third of the package. We really need only five things on this earth. Some food, some sun, some work, some fun, and someone.
The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb himself.
Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
The most important things in life aren't things.
Don't wait. The time will never be just right.
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.
We need not worry so much about what man descends from - it's what he descends to that shames the human race.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
In my opinion, we are in danger of developing a cult of the Common Man, which means a cult of mediocrity.
Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money, power and influence.
Life is too precious and too short to sit back and let it slip away.
The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and robbers there will be.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
I'm not saying I'm tight but the only way to get a drink out of me is to stick two fingers down my throat !!
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be like other people.
I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Everyone brings happiness to this office - some when they arrive and some when they leave
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.)
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
Education is a process that either never begins or never ends.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last longer.
Mother to adult daughter: "Men are only after one thing -- the TV remote.
Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring.
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can'tthink.
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The truth is more important than the facts.
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes.
I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
You don't see many red squirrels since they became extinct.
You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Tinker Toys need more memory.
Real courage is a willingness to attack spaghetti in public.
There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
Man to friend: "Exactly when was 'Have a nice day' replaced with 'Please visit our Web site'?"
It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
In the game of life, nothing is less important than the score at half time.
It's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
Don't just learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... elevator smell different to midget.
... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
... baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard.
... he who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double crosser.
Old age comes at a bad time.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Ignorance is Bliss!! Why aren't you happy?
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Those who know don't tell. those who tell don't know.
Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
If a man thinks it is impossible to be wrong ALL the time, then he has never been married.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough ?
To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Beer : The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
While we are postponing, life speeds by.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Never mistake motion for action.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
True friendship comes when silence between two friends is comfortable.
In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.
The average person thinks he isn't.
In my opinion, a person's never fully dressed without clothes.
Used-car dealer to prospective customer: "Now, this little beauty has very low mileage. The previous owner only drove it back and forth to the repair shop!"
Getting fired is nature's way of telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to go by itself.
Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high...
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.
Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths.
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
I think the best way to insult an illiterate bully is to write him a nasty letter.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Unfortunately, my right to carry a gun doesn't include the right to shoot the ignorant.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forget their use.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
secret of a long and happy life : Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Egoist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
They say it's never too late to learn to play the piano, but at 2 am, I really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
The mistakes are all waiting to be made.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend! If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Woman was God's second mistake.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, rich and stupid.
Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.