Sweetest Day: A Worthless Holiday Sweetest Day is a time like no other. Happy couples walk around the hallways arm in arm. The only real difference now is that they're dry humping while holding flowers. Some inbred hooker is clutching her boyfriend's groin with one hand while grasping a dozen roses with the other. Is this what Sweetest Day's creator intended? Did he or she really want every unfortunate boyfriend to be forced to shower his girlfriend with superfluous amounts of expensive gifts? What you'll discover will surprise you. The Origin of Sweetest Day Quincy "Magic Princess" Sweetest, creator of Sweetest Day A long, long time ago (like three years back) there was a crazy homeless man. This insane hobo went by the name of Quincy Sweetest because he felt that he was the sweetest maiden in all the land. To show that he was the best fairy princess, he always wore a dress. One day he was picking through a dumpster behind Wal-Mart pretending that the soiled diapers in his hand were actually beautiful, delicious flowers. Just then, a Wal-Mart security guard noticed that the fat transvestite was going to start rubbing himself with dead gerbils again, so he did what any self-respecting civil servant would do. He chased down that tubby man bitch and beat him to the ground. As his face was being punted and his dress collecting footprints from the boot of Frank the Wal-Mart security guard, Quincy Sweetest began throwing his diapers at anyone in the nearby vicinity. "Take the pretty flowers! Everybody needs flowers! Spend lots of your money on crappy gifts you don't need! Eat a squirrel with tire irons and chopsti-" His incoherent ranting cut off by the sound of Frank's Sketchers separating six teeth from Quincy's face. Minutes later, as Quincy was being thrown into a police car after receiving several more beatings, a man who had heard Quincy's screams decided to do something. He had come to the realization that people need to buy more crap. Not just any crap. Romantic crap. The kind of crap that makes boyfriends go broke and single people go insane with self-hatred. That man was Jeffrey Hallmark, the president of Hallmark. Above: Bea Arthur. She looks a lot better naked. Right now you're probably thinking, "Hey, is Hallmark named after Jeffrey Hallmark?" The answer is no. Jeffery Hallmark is his Muslim name. When he was baptized by a Muslim rabbi in what Muslims call a "synagogue" (pronounced "sine ah goh goo") he received the name Jeffrey Hallmark. The Islamic followers, or "Jews" who baptized him were just really big fans of cards that have pictures of cute puppies and teddy bears on them. On his Certificate of Islamification it said, "Welcome to Islam, you jew! You're "bear"-y special!" just like those adorable Hallmark cards we've all grown to know and love over the years. However, his name change was not only to enrich his life with the culture of Islam. His new name is used because his old name is downright retarded. Jeffrey's real name is Bea Arthur. Now you're probably thinking, "Hey, is he named after that loveable old lady on the Golden Girls?" Oh, you're not? Nevermind. After Jeffrey Hallmark heard what the transsexual bum had to say, he quickly rushed to Hallmark, Inc on his '83 Schwinn. All that talk about buying useless romantic crap for no apparent reason had inspired him. He scribbled his revolutionary idea on a bar napkin and ran over to the Board of Adding Stupid Holidays as fast as his legs could carry him. His dumbass should have just taken a car. Anyway, the Board of Adding Stupid Holidays approved of Sweetest Day right after they gave the thumbs up to Communist Watermelon Appreciation Day and Beat Your Battered Wife Week. Sweetest Day Gift Ideas Gifts for women: A Sweetest Day gift? No. Just another thing you can shove down somebody's throat on this happiest of artificial holidays.      If watching countless episodes of Cops has taught me anything, it's that women like being abused by a drunk guy in a wife beater. If your girlfriend is the type of girl that is expecting you to buy her stuff, bring her a big package with a red bow on it. Instead of filling it with chocolate, shoes, or some sort of chocolate-shoe robot hybrid, fill it with something that will kick her ass. On second thought, I guess you could put a shoe in her gift. Just make sure it kicks her in the ass. If you don't feel like creating a robotic shoe that gives a whuppin' to any woman demanding a gift, you can always give her something that explodes. No, not flowers that shoot cute little fireworks while repeating, "I love you." I mean actual explosives. I first learned about this when I heard about that romantic Ted Kaczynski sending love letters to all of his girlfriends. What a sweetie! *I couldn't find a picture of some dynamite, so I got the cover to a 70's magazine called Dynamite! It's just as deadly as real dynamite only it kills you with its awesome hair styling. I figure the best way to surprise a girl with a gift of death would be to fill it with puppies and dynamite. But not ordinary puppies. Nazi puppies. Well, they can't actually do nazi stuff, like kill other puppies for no reason. Just draw a swastika on their leg or something so they look evil. That way the heartbreaking woman can open her present and say "Oh look, a pup-" KABOOM! There goes fascist puppy all over the walls. Pictured the left is a photo of some REAL DYNAMITE*. It should be noted that not all women deserve an exploded Hitler-y dog in their house. Only women who expect something from their boyfriends on this most retarded of holidays should receive a gift that dangerous and exciting. If you want to do something thoughtful for your girlfriend, do something completely creative. Tell her you love her. Don't write it on the ass of some oversized plush unicorn. Use your mouth. Because hell, love is free if you've got somebody in your life. If you don't, love is only 100 bucks an hour at your local escort service. 90 bucks an hour if you don't smell like rotten onions. So if you've got a woman, utter those three words all girls long to hear. If you don't, use the other three. Point at the call girl you want and say "Yeah, that one." Gifts for men:       Ladies, from what I heard this year, you had no idea what to buy your boyfriend. Most if you communist prostitutes openly decided not to get your love puppet anything. Not a damn thing. You suck. Because you all seemed so greatly in need of guidance, I've taken the liberty of providing you with a list. Be sure to write this down so your boyfriend doesn't dump you and date that Austrian model he's been eyeing all because you got him a T-shirt that says "I luv my gurlfriend" on it. So here's your list. Love it and learn it or become single and find a whore like every other lonely bastard named Henry who runs a website and hates himself. Kissing Sex Kissing while having sex More sex Kissing that can be easily replaced with some sex A girlfriend with a smaller ass Intercourse That thing that they do late at night on Showtime A strip tease to the theme of Leave it to Beaver Not cheating on me with that college guy I know you're seeing Remembering my name once Something similar to sex Chocolates A pony And that concludes my list that every woman needs to tattoo on an obscure location on her body. That way, they won't forget what will make their boyfriend happy. I hope you all learned something from this. First of all, I'd like to remind you that this pile of crap holiday known as Sweetest Day was created by a transexual being bludgeoned in the head by a Wal-Mart security guard. Don't celebrate it. Next I'd like to remind all men to get their women something worthwhile, whether it's a sincere "I love you" or a time bomb. Lastly, Women need to put out. And that's probably the most important point of all.