Valentine's Day: If This Holiday Were Any Less Fun It Would Require Me to Bathe With Scorpions and Eat Live Bats Dipped In Cyanide While Having Sex With a Bag Filled With Nails I love me. Why can't you? Valentine's Day has got to be one of the least fun holidays to spend without a sex partner. It's like the way a white person feels on Martin Luther King Day. They're not a part of it, so they'll pretend like they care and then go on with their seemingly important lives. People who date take the time to buy flashy, expensive gifts that say "Screw me, I love you." I, however, am part of the unwillingly-chaste elite group of people that spend Valentine's day watching all those Valentine's Day TV specials and eating suckers that are addressed to myself shaped like cute little hearts. Leading causes of tooth decay are much more fun when they're pink and have that little Cupid bastard on their wrappers. But why do we do all of this, Henry? Well, I'll tell you, Henry, as soon as you put your pants on. The History of Valentine's Day Well, my pants are back on and I'm pretty sure I'm done talking to myself. This is where you all shut up and listen to the story of Valentine's Day before I cut you. First of all St. Valentine's Day was founded by the pop superstar Jesus Christ*, lead singer of the band Soul Cleansin' Mofos. After a kickin' show consisting of him pumping out new songs from his newest album You Gonna Die, Sinner, he sat down and had a big, tall glass of llama piss or whatever ancient people drank instead of beer. Then, one day, a thought struck him. Well, actually it was a brick thrown by a fan. This brick smacked him upside the head and he awoke later in a hospital surrounded by his roadies, the disciples. Jesus looked up, and with a smile most likely induced by all the drugs they gave him, exclaimed, "Thaddeus! Bartholomew! (insert names of the other ten guys here)! How the heaven are you guys? Hey, what's Muhammad doing here?" he said, pointing to the front man of the Muslim rap group, Pure Mothafuckas. Muhammad looked around and then, after taking several pillows, ran off to the Islam wing of the hospital. Good ol' Mr. Christ then remained in his little room where he wrote a little book which he entitled My Adventures With Those Cop Killin' Playas, The Disciples. It was later renamed THE BIBLE!!!!, which was later changed to just The Bible. Jesus decided to finally leave the hospital. Actually, he was more or less kicked out. His head wound healed within a week and after that he slept in janitorial closets for about a year while he wrote his book using mashed potatos stolen from the cafeteria. After his book was released and popular, he decided to settle down and form a holiday like all celebrities do. By now, he was fat and old. He figured that since he liked being fat and riding around in a sleigh and giving people stuff, he'd change his name to Santa Claus and deliver puppies to orphans that are on fire or something. He figured he'd call this day "Valentine's Day". And the rest is history. Just in case any of you hardcore Christians want to crucify me after reading all of that, know that this "Jesus" guy I talk about is not the guy you think. He is, in fact, Abe Lincoln, that president guy with the tall hat and the hideous facial features. Special Feature: What the hell was that? If anybody's reading this, I'd like to apologize for the story directly above this. What kind of crack addict writes about Jesus in a rock band getting fat and founding Valentine's Day? I'll tell you who. Satan. Yes, that horned fruitcake who lives in a giant subterranean furnace made me write that. Well, sort of. He just sort of called my house. At least I think it was him. The phone rang, I screamed at it and then hung up. Hell, for all I know that could have been Grandma. Oh well, just to be sure I'm never picking up the phone again. Ever. Damn, what's wrong with me? I don't even know why I included that picture of TV's Bob Saget, noted shitty actor and former host of America's Funniest Home Videos. Remember that show? It's what we all watched to see some guy get hit in the gonads by a baby, a horse, or a baby horse. Rejected Valentine's Day Gifts Flag hard hat These days, everyone loves America. Even Canadians. And let's face it, if you're like I am, and I know you are, making out with a girl requires protection. How could you combine your love for America and safety from your girlfriend's dangerous vagina? With this American Flag Hard Hat, of course! Unfortunately, nobody wanted to buy this because they already use something called a "condom". What I'm wondering is how the hell they fit that little thing over their head? And how do they breathe? Sex is so confusing. Some Jackoff in a Bunny Suit As many of you who own calenders already know, Easter is over. Or maybe it's not here yet. Either way, it's not Easter. Usually around this time you can buy discounted merchandise from other holidays for a fraction of their original price. Last year I got my mom three gallons of expired egg nog for Mother's Day. Because out of season things are usually inexpensive, you should all hire some guy in an Easter Bunny costume to visit your unsuspecting sex puppet for almost nothing. And nothing says "I give a shit about you" better than a stranger in a rabbit costume. A Badger Chicks are totally in to things that are soft, cuddly, and small enough to fit into a microwave. Puppies are too expensive. Kittens die if you don't feed them. Why not get your woman a badger? Badgers don't have to be trained or fed. Hell, who cares if something bad happens to it? Most people don't even know what the hell a badger is, let alone care if it's treated badly. Some cute things to say to the girl when she unwraps her badger are: "That's not the only small, furry thing you'll be handling." "That's not the only large, furry thing you'll be handling."(if her badger and your penis are abnormally large) "That's not the only furry thing you'll be putting in your mouth." (if your confused girlfriend tries eating the badger) "You may not want it now, but trust me, it won't be that bad. I thought the same thing about you and look at us now." (if the relationship started badly but got better) "I fucking hate you and your ass face. Now take this god damn badger and get out of my life." (if relationship started badly and hasn't changed) I'm sure there's other things you could say when handing someone a badger that are much more clever than that, but you're not the one who runs this website, now are you? A Human Child Who hasn't ever thought to themselves "Hey, where could I get a human child for around the house?" That's what I thought. Every woman secretly wants a baby. And even if they don't, they'll say they're pregnant just so you won't dump them. I think a human child will do this world a lot of good. Most of them are potty-trained and if they're not you can always hit them. Remember, children aren't people because they don't know any better. So buy your woman a child. Or better yet, get her a dozen of them to show her you're not cheap. Then throw in a vase so she has a place to put all of them. Gift wrapping your human child may be difficult, as they tend to squirm when being put inside large cardboard boxes. Tell them it's a game. Call it "Cave Adventure" or "Get Inside This Box Before I Hurt You". Something like that. Make sure to say it with an excited look on your face so the kid thinks you're telling the truth. If you're really willing to spend a lot of cash, you can always buy a midget instead. A Corpse Nothing says "I'd die without you, baby" like an actual rotting human body. Most people don't know this, but dead bodies make great dinner guests. Have them sit at the table with everyone else and then when it gets all quiet you could say, "Man, the conversation here really is dead!!!" And then you could explain to all the other guests that the person sitting next to them really is dead and you could all have a hearty laugh about it. Most of your ancestors are probably dead and you all probably get along with them just fine. So show your woman that you care about her by giving her the gift of corpse. Or you can just leave the body on her porch with a little note that says "You" stapled to it. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!