Coming Soon: Lots of FUNNAH STUFF!!! here are some previews:
To join the mailing list, click:HERE!
First, I have some funnahpictures4u!...
I have almost 100 funny pictures so far. This is only a sample, randomly picked.
Next, I have some funnahjokes4u!...
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.
Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
SAMPLE JOKE: 2
Facts from the 1500s!
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children--last of all, the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it--hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs cats and other small animals, mice, rats, and bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entry way--creating a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while--inspiring the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up- the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell. Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
SAMPLE JOKE: 3
The English Language.
Let's face it, English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant. No ham in the hamburger. And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, What the heck does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down. And in which you fill in a form, By filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers. And it reflects the creativity of the human race. (Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why, When the stars are out, they are visible But when the lights are out, they are invisible And it's why when I wind up my watch, It starts. But when I wind up this poem, It ends.
SAMPLE JOKE: 4
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!]
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special.]
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how?]
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion.]
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." [Oops, too late!]
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." [As sure as night follows the day.]
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [One would hope.]
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." [As opposed to what?]
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." [NEWS FLASH!]
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta.]
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
For more Funnah Stuff, wait a couple of weeks for the site to finish being made!