Joke #1
Young man met beautiful woman in a bar and she
brought him to her place. Suddenly he saw on her
bedside table a picture of a big hairy young man.
Wondering who it might be, he asked:
- Is it your husband?
- No.
- Than he should be your boyfriend!
- No that`s me before plastic surgery...
Joke #2
An elderly lady was stopped by a cop while
driving. "What's wrong officer?" she asked.
"Lady," he said, "you are driving way too slow."
"But I am doing the speed limit which is 20
miles per hour.""This is highway 20 and the
speed limit is 55 miles per hour."
he elderly lady apologizes and assures she
will correct the situation. The cop then notices
another lady in the back of the car shivering
and shaking, then remarks,
"Say, it looks like your friend is going to have
heart attack!"
The driver responds politely, "I think it's
because we just got off highway 105."
Joke #3
During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye
flight, the Captain came on the intercom
and methodically gave his passenger briefing,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain
speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000
feet, blah, blah..."
After completing his statement, the
over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his
mike, and the next thing the passengers
heard was, "You know, I sure could go for
a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now..."
Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front
of the plane immediately turned and ran to the
cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue.
While scurrying past the first class section,
a passenger raised his hand and was heard to
say, "Don't forget the coffee!!!"
Joke #4
A hunter is telling his adventure:
- And so I took my rifle and went for huntiing.
After hours of walking I saw a burrow.
I approached the burrow and yelled:
How-how! A rubbit gushed from there and I
shot him.
After another hours of walking I found a bigger
burrow. I approached the burrow and yelled:
How-how! A walf gushed from there and
I shot him.
After another hours of walking I found even a
bigger burrow. I approached the burrow
and yelled: How-how! A bear gushed from
there and I shot him.
And after some long hours of walking I found
the biggest burrow I`ve seen.
I approached the burrow and yelled:
How-how! And I heard from the burrow:
How-how!I yelled again: How-how! From the
burrow again: How-how! Me again: How-how!
From the burrow the train came out and hit me.
Joke #5
One day a man decides to go ice fishing.
He begins to cut a hole
in the ice when a booming voice from above says,
"There are no fish there."
So he moves to another area, and begins to cut
another hole in the ice, when he hears the voice
again, "There are no fish there."
So he moves again and begins cutting
another hole when once more the voice bellows,
"There are no fish there either.
" So the man looks up and says "Who is this, God?"
The voice replies,
"No, this is the manager of this ice skating rink."
Short Jokes
What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
39 year old meat between 11 year old buns!
What are the 2 reasons men don't mind their own business?
1. No Mind 2. No business
How do men sort their laundry?
"Dirty" and "Dirty but wearable."
How stupid are men about money?
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why don't men like to wear condoms?
Because it cuts off oxygen to their brains.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are empty from the neck up!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know-it's never happened!
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
How are prostitution and bungie jumping the same?
1. they last about the same amount of time.
2. they cost about the same
3. and if the rubber breaks, your dead.
Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
Why didn't NASA send a woman to the moon yet?
Because it does not need to be cleaned!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything
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NEW JOKES !!!
BLONDE JOKE
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays...
God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
PICTURE WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
Man's Dictionary
"I'M GOING FISHING."
Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING!"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN!"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, ... but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
