QualityOfLife

Poison & Burning

Hello, My name is Gabi.....and I'm a Breast Cancer Survivor......

My case didn't go as smoothly as my mother's...June 1997, I awoke during the night with chest pains, which I attributed to my nasty habit of smoking,.....I should have taken my mother's constant advice and 'quit the habit'. The chest pains continued.. mostly while lying on my back....then, while at work, I had another sharp pain......and I called my doctor.

     I needed to walk the beach alone that night...and think!   ......and Think????????
                "Hell, I had 4 weeks to THINK, PRAY AND CRY".....

I could find another doctor.......but, Dr Patel was very 'familiar with my boobs.......even though, I wished at that time his ship would sink......but, I was the one who felt they were drowning with no means of survival.

My doctor said my cancer was 'estrogen related'......Fantastic, since I've been taking estrogen pills for the last four years...and prior to that... birth control pills for 15 years.......Of course, they said they weren't positive that was the cause of my cancer.....Needless to say, they took me off estrogen meds....IMMEDIATELY!!!!

I had so many questions rattling around in my brain....... "How could this large clump on my chest wall gone undetected"........"How long has it been there"....."I never had the pleasure of being overly endowned and topped the scales at 105 lbs.....
                                        So...How could they have missed it"....????

Certainly seemed like I was in deep "Ka-Ka"...eh??
I just didn't have time in my life to deal with all this ..

By the time Dr. Patel sailed back into town, I thought I knew as much as he did regarding my cancer. I think I read every book that was published regarding breast cancer......and had a list of questions for him a mile long. Naturally, he had all the answers.......as I opt for the lumpectomy. I soon discovered that I would experience much more than I ever read, and had my surgery July 1997.

I had cancer treatments scheduled for three weeks after surgery...But,,I explained to my doctor that my husband and I have yearly reservations in Key West for lobster week...along with tons of our friends......So, after a few 'discussions' ... we headed for the Keys...two weeks after surgery....toting our snorkeling gear, bikini, pain meds and drainage blood bag......
Naturally, the vacation took a toll on me......after jet skiing, and snorkeling......and I had to go one day to the hospital due to blood drainage complications.....But, I was never regretful of this trip, knowing what I'd be facing months of treatments when I returned.

My doctor already had his vacation!

Let's Go Lobster Diving

Six long months of chemotherapy........(that was a helluva trip)...! Followed by 8 weeks of radiation. It still amazes me that I was strong enough mentally and physcially to endure the treatments..and honestly know I couldn't have managed without the love and support that I've received from my husband, family and friends. They were tremendous!!

Food was not high on my priority list during chemo....
since I felt like I woke up with the worse case of the flu daily...or a terrific hangover! Also, I discovered tht the 'bald-look' was not my forte...This is a picture of Bill and me during my surprise after-chemo party....Of course, I had to have a straight-do wig..since I was cursed with naturally curly hair. And, it amazed me why all the hair on my entire body disappeared, including my eyelashes...and I still had to 'SHAVE MY LEGS"....!!!!

My radiologist told me that the radiation treatments would be a 'piece of cake' after enduring chemo...So, I went to treatments at 8 a.m. every morning for 8 weeks.....and made it to work by 10:00...and without any side effects.........except being sluggish...and now permanamently have pretty blue tatto's on my chest....I can't believe I didn't gain a ton of weight since I stopped by Dunkin' Donuts after every treatment....
Ummmmm..to be able to actually taste and enjoy greasy food again..

Chemo patients can become very familiar with their nurses who administer their drugs.....which amazed me that I'd actually like this person who injected poison in my veins.....God bless these ladies for their patience....and dedication.....My favorite nurse was Maria.....and I bring her sweets and Christmas gifts.....

One day, as I arrived very late for my treatments....Maria asked me how long was I sitting in my car.....Of course, I thought she could read my mind...when she laughed saying that she could tell that the chemo was taking a toll on me.....and was glad to see me come back......and it was true...as I sat in the parking lot puffing away on a pack a cigarettes....debating whether to go for another treatment...or head to a local bar and get wasted...either decision would make me dreadfully sick...But.. I went to work daily during my treatments....Cuz I felt it was just too easy for me to fall into a pity pot....

"Fit as a Fiddle"
(ok...maybe a few strings missing!!)

"My Strenght"

My pathologhy report read:
Left breast mass....located against
the pectoralis major muscle.....
Poorly differentiated, infiltrating
carcinoma ductal origin seen within
a necrotic and fibrotic background..
with two lymph nodes showing
extensive evidence of metastatic
carcinoma....5cm...Stage IIB

"I Need A Shrink"

I've had fibrous cystitis disease for the last 20 years....and was accustomed to lumpy breast...and had them aspirated every three months....So, it wasn't like I ignored breast exams.......and had the same oncologist for the last 15 years. Dr. Patel also assumed that my chest pains was another cyst....until his unsuccessful aspiration...and, he ordered me a mammogram.

The mammo showed no signs of unusual lumps.....just a few small fibrous cysts....Ummmmmm..."Was I imagining the chest pains?" Next step...ultra sound ......and "Da-Dah"...there is was!! A large mass lying on my chest wall. I didn't know if I felt delighted that it wasn't my imagination......or scared as hell...as to what was to follow.

"Kick the Habit"

Uh Oh !!

After a needle biopsy and surgical biopsy.....I was given the diagnosis of breast cancer, with two nodes involved. I was very thankful my husband was with me...since everything that Dr. Patel said after my diagnosis was a total blur....But, they insisted I listen to the following information.....I had the choice of a lumpectomy or a masectomy......and all I could reply was
"Do I have a 3rd choice?" Then, my oncologist proceeded to tell me about the large size of my lump and that chemo and radiation was required. Oh, but, I didn't have to give him an answer immediately and had plenty of time to 'think about it'....
Since....Dr Patel was leaving on a scheduled Alaskan cruise for FOUR WEEKS!

That sounded more like a testimony from inside an AA meeting.......But, I suppose there wasn't a vast difference from an alcoholic and my admission. I never denied having breast cancer, but was never interested in techniques that could help me cope or was given any advice on coping with this dreaded disease. Full recovery was the only thing I was concerned with.....and I was willing to 'do anything' or 'go anywhere' to achieve it.

I certainly never considered myself as a 'health nut'....
but, have always been relatively healthy.
Did all my annual check ups....ate the 4 basic food groups.....excluding my chocolate addiction....never been over weight......bore two 'normal' healthy children....took my daily vitamins and love running on the beach......So, what was I doing differently.......Do you suppose it was the swamp water in Florida??? I always thought lung cancer would get me first....since I smoked like a chimney.....or maybe, heart failure since that runs rampart in my father's side of the family.

I completed my treatments, Feb. 1999........Giving kisses and hugs to the chemo staff, in hopes that I'd never see them again. As I was receiving my last exam from my chemo oncologist, Dr. McClure, he astounded me by handing me a presciption for anti-depression meds.......after complimenting me on my great attitude and recovery.

"Why would I need medication for depression......when I just survived the last nine months of hell without them?" I was elated ....not depressed...and was ready to get back to my old life..I looked at my husband for a reassuring sign that I didn't need them....but, he was nodding his head in agreement with my doctor.

Since I couldn't convince anyone that I was "just fine"....and they obviously weren't convinced that my 'chocolate bars' were a cure all......I gave-in to the "Happy Pills"!

It took approximately two weeks before the anti-depression pills actually kicked-in, and I realized for the first time...... as the wonder drugs were slowly doing their magic.... that I really was 'wacko'.......Obviously, the chemo had burnt up chemicals in my brain....and I was paranoid.....and becoming weirder than usual.

At least the pills were helping me cope through the day......But, I still felt as I was in a frightening twilight zone. I resisted my family and friends request to go to a 'cancer support group'.......and remained stubborn.....believing that I could handle this on my own to regain the 'Quality of Life'.

I spent my evenings on my computer.......surfing the net on information of my disease. When one evening, while in 'one of my moods'.....I stumbled into a cancer chat room.....I thought this was really weird....."Why would anyone want to discuss their cancer story to strangers?" We've all heard stories regarding online chat rooms......nothing but trash talk.....but, I continued to watch for hours.

Sill feeling confused and leery about chat rooms......I finally introduced myself to the room.....and was welcomed with open arms.....and discovered it to be a profound turning point in my life.

Even though I remained in denial for local cancer support groups....I finally met people who knew how I felt......people who didn't patronize me.....and knew what I meant when I described my strange emotions.....

We laughed, joked and cried together....and could share the same experiences..It was with this group that I finally admitted that I was a breast cancer 'survivor'...and it didn't take me long to realize that I finally found my 'support group".......Over the years, I've made everlasting friends with my online group......and hopefully give back the support that I received.

Dr. Patel has given my mother and I passing grades during our last examination, August 2000, and now on yearly visits. My life is back to 'normal' with only a few changes...as I'm a member of several online cancer clubs, and become addicted to my computer.

If this was God's way of testing my strenght and endurance....I believe I made it!
I would have never made the finish line without my family and friends....who blessed me beyond measure with their love and support. But, there is no real finish line until a cure for this dreaded disease is found.

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My very short time in the hospital was NOT a pleasant experience,......As I was being rolled out of surgery.....I could hear people calling my name....and as I opened one eye....saw my entire family and friends.....smiling, waving and saying all kinds of unintelligible things to me...."Oh.......I just wanted to go back to sleep"......

I had tubes going in and coming out of nearly every part of my body, as the male nurse is asking me the world's dumbest question, "And how are we feeling"?? First, I'm the only one in the room who just had surgery.....so, who is the 'WE'....???

Feeling very nauseated....I reached for the hairs on my husbands arm.....and pulled him down to whisper...."Please honey......I need to vomit....could you remove my family and friends from the room....and get me a damn puke bag"........

Naturally, my mother was upset as my husband threw her out of the room.....but, I just didn't need to hear "How good I looked".........one more time!!! The male nurse shoves a stale cracker in my mouth....which remained on the roof of my mouth....then, as I'm puking ......tells my husband that he can take me home NOW.....!!! I read my husbands mind as he was thinking, "How was I going to take care of her at home?"

As groggy as I was......I knew I had good insurance....and I was planning on keeping this bed for the night.........I begged to be left alone........

Drive-thru Surgery
"Do you want a cracker little girl?"

I didn't realize that when I requested to be alone........that the entire hospital staff forgot about me all night.......Also, thought I had a private room......until they moved in a young woman having appendicitis......and screamed and cursed like a sailor all night for a cigarette.......

Needless to say....I didn't sleep.....or thought I wasn't sleeping.......since I don't remember ripping out all the IV tubes attached to me......leaving me laying in a bed on blood and whatever the other solutions were in the bottles....all I heard were the sounds of the manic on the other side of my curtain......and the attentive staff trying to calm her down.......as she was having tobacco withdraw......and never once did they peek around the curtain to check on me. I wanted to be alone...but, didn't mean the hospital staff.......

When the nurse made their morning rounds.....I simply asked them to ......"Check-Me Out".......and called my husband to pick me up immediately......
On my departure, I woke sleeping beauty ...as my wheelchair accidently slammed into her bed.....I tossed her one of my cigarettes ....in hopes it made her carvings worse as she was going into surgery........

As it turned out, I had a bad reaction to the pain meds they were giving to me in the hospital~~~which resulted in tearing out my IV tubes ~~. I discovered after going home ~~that being hyper-active caused me to be extermely anxious ~~BUT.....I was given the same prescription when I left. After bouncing off the walls at home.....my husband knew it had to be the medicine.....as taking more pain pills only made it worse.......and my pain meds were immediately changed, for 'abnormal people' like me!!

Cancer Chat Room

Happy Pill Time

Third Choice?? Please!!

During my fretful night, .........a beautiful redheaded angel appeared........lifting me out of my soaking wet bed......I could have swore I saw her wings......She was my girlfriend, Rae Ann, a registered nurse.......She didn't work at that hospital......but, dropped by to check on me.....and was shocked to see my neglected condition.......So, she went down the hall to a closet and helped herself to a change of bedclothes, a gown and about 6 pillows to rest my painful arm ...where they removed my lymph nodes......
She reinserted all the IV tubes...
placed me gently back into bed......
and stayed until I fell asleep..........
Raesy will always remain my "Angel".

My mother is a fantastic Lady....with a capital "L" ~~~that's another page ~~(Mom))~~
She was diagnosed with cancer in both breast and colon cancer within three years apart.

Oh...sure, now you're convienced this was inherited!! But, I find that debatable.....
since, our pathology report read totally different.....

Mom had lumpectomies in both breast, followed with radiation and five years of tamioxfen.
Thank God her cancer was detected early, and she had no lymph node involvement.

At 83 years old, she is doing beautifully ..