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GAMMA | |||||||||||||||||
Gay and Married Men's Association (Vic) |
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Information | Q & A - ABOUT BEING GAY & MARRIED | |||||||||||||||||
Q & A - About GAMMA |
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1. Why do I have gay feelings? Nobody knows why some people are sexually oriented towards members of their own sex. Certainly there have been many attempts made at various times in history to punish homosexual behaviour and, more recently, to use psychological treatments to try to change sexual orientation. These attempts have not been successful. It seems that sexual preference is a permanent part of a person's psychological and physical make-up. The more dominant and the more long lasting or enduring our sexual feelings are, the more likely it is that those feelings will stay with us. Most men who are gay and have been married went through periods of trying to suppress their gay feelings. The stronger and more long-lasting the gay feelings are, the less likely it is that this suppression will be successful. As well, many men have found that when they have tried to suppress the feelings, they became emotionally or even physically ill. 2. How many of us are there? Many men have sex with other men. It is estimated that about one man in three men (33%) will have sex to orgasm with another man at least once in his life. Much of this behaviour is simply experimental and most of these men are primarily oriented towards heterosexual sex. However, maybe 3% to 5% of the male population shows a lifelong preference towards same-sex sexual partners and might call themselves gay. Social researchers suggest that about 20% of men who now say they are gay were at one time in a primary heterosexual relationship. 3. How do I know if I am gay? About 1% of married men has sex with other men at some time during their marriage. Many men who have sex with both men and women are comfortable defining themselves as bisexual and continuing in their primary heterosexual relationship. For many others, though, there is an increasing recognition that their primary sexual attraction is to other men and they choose to define themselves as gay. 4. I just like having sex with men sometimes. Why worry about it? For many men, having occasional sex with other men is sufficient to satisfy their homosexual feelings. For many others, though, the feelings are stronger and the occasional sexual contact ceases to be satisfying. At this point, many men find it necessary to find additional ways to express their sexuality. Making social contact with other gay men is one common way of doing this. Regardless of the strength of homosexual feelings, continuing to have sex with multiple partners without the knowledge of a spouse, presents considerable risks, both for HIV infection and emotional harm in the relationship. 5. What should I tell my children? Again, there is no easy or straightforward answer to this question. However, the experience of many gay fathers suggests that the most fundamental guidelines are: • it is better discuss the issue with children before they learn of it from other sources, such as overhearing arguments with a spouse or from friends; and • as with sex education generally, children are never too young to be given information in a form which they can understand and is appropriate for their age. It is very important that you come to accept your own homosexuality before disclosing it to your children. If you are ashamed and not accepting of yourself then it is likely that your children will also react negatively. Disclosing homosexual feelings to your children is one of the most difficult experiences that a married gay man can have. Most men expect they will lose the love and respect of their children. Although there are exceptions, that is rarely the case. Children are not necessarily delighted, and may not approve, but many men report an eventual improvement in their relationship with their children as it become based on greater honesty and openness. 6. Should I stay married? There is no right answer to this question. Men who leave their marriage frequently report feeling emotionally liberated and at last able to be who they really are. It is difficult to convey the joy that many men experience when they can finally accept their homosexual feelings. However, it is also obvious that leaving a marriage carries with it much emotional pain and distress to every member of the family, as well as social and financial disruption. Many men find that the costs of leaving the marriage are too great and they feel that pursuing their gay feelings is ultimately a selfish act. However many also find that, as time goes by, their gay feelings get stronger rather than weaker, and the urge to engage in sexual contact with other men increasingly difficult to resist. The pressure that sexual contact with others places on the relationship frequently becomes overwhelming. Marriages often break up later rather than sooner, and the costs of those break-ups are frequently greater for having been delayed. 7. What do I do now? What you do now is a decision only you can make. Many married gay men find that their sense of psychological well being increases the more open and honest they become about their homosexual feelings. Each of us has to make the choice that appears right for us at a particular time in our life. You should remember that: • married gay men often find it difficult to identify their true feelings • homosexual feelings rarely go away • the later in a marriage a break-up occurs, the more costly, in both emotional and financial terms it is likely to be. 8. What about seeing a counsellor or therapist? Many people grow up thinking that their homosexual feelings are wrong or bad. We're surrounded by messages that heterosexuality is normal and homosexuality is abnormal. Hence many people who have homosexual feeling grow up devaluing or suppressing these feelings. Because some of us learn to deny our sexual feelings, often we also find it hard to recognise and value other feelings. Many married gay men find that they spend a lot of their life in a sort of emotional limbo, not understanding their feelings and not being able to use their emotions to help guide their behaviour. If you have learnt to devalue or dislike the homosexual part of yourself, and find it hard to know what your feelings really are, then seeing a therapist or counsellor can help. It is important, though, that the counsellor or therapist you see, also values the homosexual part of you. Information about gay oriented therapists is available from the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard on 9827 8544 or Toll Free on 1800 184 527. 9. More questions? If you have any more questions please send e-mail to gammavic@hotmail.com. This material was prepared by, and is reproduced with, the kind permission of Dr Jim Malcolm, Psychology Department, University of Western Sydney Macarthur. This material may be further reproduced provided permission is sought from the author and the original authorship is acknowledged. Email: j.malcolm@uws.edu.au |
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Updated on 25/04/2004 Legal Disclaimer © GAMMA (Vic) |
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