Garces

   Boston Relief Pitcher Rich Garces was arrested today on charges of
first-degree murder and kidnapping in the culmination of a bizarre saga
involving three missing former Red Sox players.
     Garces, who stands 5-foot-10, 413 pounds, was charged with kidnapping and subsequently eating former Sox Second Baseman Jerry Remy, Catcher Rich Gedmen and Pitcher Oil Can Boyd after the players’ appearance at an Old
Timer’s Game last year.
     The obese pitcher, nicknamed "El Guapo" or "The Handsome One" by
someone with either a keen sense of humor or a fondness for Boston women,
was unapologetic as he was escorted by authorities from the Sox clubhouse before tonight’s game against Seattle.
     "Remy tasted real good, like pollo," he said in his broken English,
magnified by the insufferable Masshole accent he has picked up while living
in Boston.
     Remy, Gedmen and Boyd, teammates on one of Boston’s annual "near-miss" teams from the late 1980’s and early ‘90’s, never returned home after their
appearance at an Old Timer’s Day at Fenway Park on Aug. 13, 1998. It was around the same time that Garces, a then-struggling waif of a man who could hardly break 75 on the radar gun, gained three times his body weight and emerged as one of the premier middle relievers in baseball.
     Until Garces’s arrest, Boston authorities have maintained that their
lead suspect was former New York Yankee Shortstop Bucky Dent. Police spokesperson Will McDougall reluctantly cleared Dent’s name yesterday.
     "He’s still an asshole," McDougall said, standing under his "Red Sox
World Champions 1918" poster in his office.
The ordeal shocked and surprised Boston players, who said Garces was a quiet man who kept to himself in the clubhouse.
     "I’m gay," said outfielder Trot Nixon.

    Star shortstop Nomar Garciaparra related a chilling tale from last season, when Garces caught him pilfering food from his locker.
     "Rich was always eating," Garciaparra said. "He had Tupperware full of all sorts of stuff in a fridge near his locker. One day, I was real hungry and no one was in the locker room, so I opened one of them up and found two cocktail weenies and one longer one that was a little darker, like a turkey dog. I did it up nice with some mustard and kraut, and started eating it. Just then, Rich walked in. He went nuts."
     Garces was restrained by teammates, and Garciaparra promised to never touch the large man’s food again. But the thought of that "turkey dog" haunts him still.
     "It tasted great—there was something familiar about it, but I just
can’t put my finger on it," Garciaparra said.
     Outfielder Carl Everett declined to comment, going apeshit on a
reporter and beating two nearby children senseless.
     Boston GM Dan Duquette said he’d probably find some washed up
journeyman pitcher with a mullet to replace Garces in the bullpen.
     Boston fans urged Duquette to welcome Garces back, however, following his release on bail.
     "So what if he ate Remy and Oil Can," said Joey O’Shaunessey, wearing his green Red Sox cap and "Big Johnson Surfboard Co." t-shirt in the 35-degree weather on Yawkey Way. "He’s wicked good."