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Issue 25 February 17

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Call Me Old Fashioned... One Man Remembers What The Olympics Used to Look Like, When It Wasn't Retarded

By Pete Gannon

the "lingo". But neither is Hanah Storm, and if you continue to make her look like such a complete moron by her referring to someone's "insane air" I'm going to be pissed.     I like downhill skiing, where the only reason they are turning is because they'll  die if they don't.     I even like speedskating. Sure they look retarded in those suits, as if they make them go faster, but at least I think "Olympics" when its on. All this shit about us "sweeping the gold medal round in snowboarding", please. Everyone else in the world is busy skiing. Maybe that's why when we finish in the top 30 in the downhill our guys start fist pumping and screaming like they took the gold. It's fucking embarrissing.     All I'm trying to say is cut the snowbaording. It's about as popular in the rest of the world as Camp X-Ray.

SALT LAKE CITY-  Now, I'm not that old, I like to think I can relate to my own generation. I'm a huge sports fan. I like some "extreme" sports. But there is a time and place for everything. And this is not one of them.    I like Sublime bumping in my car, but not from loudspeakers on a mountain in the middle of an Oympic gold medal run. What the fuck is this shit? Snowboarding really has no place in the Olympic Games. It's a freakin' hobby, not a sport.    Fine, fine, throw some judges in my bathroom at 7:30 in the morning and you can judge me on "presentation" and "delivery". You can even have a couple of announce- rs fake excitement over the way I flip through the sports section too, if that will make it an Olympic event.    You got me, I'm not down with

Way to go guys. That guy from Italy was awesome. See you in the X-Games

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If you absolutely HAD to leave your child alone with either Michael Jackson, or Father John J. Geoghan for an hour, who would you choose?

Feature Commentary

Standing Pat

Fake News

The Sport's On Fire

'Skin writer Dave Winters explores the impact of the New England Patriots Superbowl victory on the inner psychology of the "Us against the world" Masshole elite.

SALT LAKE CITY- In a stunning development this weekend, several male figure  skaters competing in this year's games have gone on record saying that they are gay.    In a sport usually know for its masculinity and brawn, the developments of this weekend have sent a shockwave through the Olympic community.    "I had no idea," said Elena Berezhnaya", clearly stunned by her high flying, feather-toed skating partner's revelation. "I just thought he dressed well and liked salad."    Malik Brown, a self-described "huge David Pelletier fan", looked confused. As he stood outside the areana in his authentic pink and while ruffled crop top Pelletier skating jersey, he expressed confusion and the unmistakable look of discomfort.    "I mean, I'm not gay, does that mean that I look gay in this shir...holy shit man, what was I fucking thinking!"

So, now a million Massholes (average height – 5’5) can finally shut the hell up and allow the rest of us to enjoy a game in peace. We can stop anticipating a regular-season Red Sox rant and the loveable loser “why can’t we get just one break?” Patriots whimperings. We don’t have to hear about mysterious curses and ludicrous calls, or salary caps and free agent pilferings. It’s all over. They’ve got their big win. They can leave us alone and enjoy it in peace. Right? Right?                                             Go to article

Anton Sikharulidze of Russia executes this flaming maneuver

Always skating around with such attractive female companions, throwing them up in the air, putting their hands in places your average NFL defensive lineman goes to jail for touching on 14-year old girls, who would have guessed?    While fans, skating partners, and average Joe's shake their heads in disbelief, the games will go on.    Why wouldn't they? They're just gay.

Article Archives: 12/24  A.C. Green Feature 12/28  Dudley Grows Mullet 12/31  Chargers Break Record   1/22    One Piazza, Hold the Mullet 1/22    Snoop Minnis Feature 3/11    Dierdorf in Hospital 3/20    Garciaparra's Nose Hit By Car 4/6      Walton Named "Argument #1" 4/10    Economy Collapses on a Pulled Hammy 4/18    Piazza Brings Back Mullet 5/10    Expos Take New Approach 5/10    The Lights are on, but Nobody's             Holtz 5/22    Garces charged with Cannabalism 5/22    Atlanta loses Booming Industry 6/10    He's Just Happy To See You 6/15    Bourque to Boston, Fuck Off

Above: David Pelletier breaks the news to his partner, Jamie Sale, then prompty lets go of a hellacious bit of gas. Right: Pelletier meets a new friend, while Sale still tries to bear the news

We realize that there isn't much here. We're just coming back. There will be plenty more useless garbage on Monday. We promise

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