Walton

SAN ANTONIO—(DP)—In a surprising move Monday morning, the Anti-Hemp Movement of America League (AHMAL) put forth Bill Walton as its new “argument #1” in its campaign to halt the use of hemp and marijuana. AHMAL spokesman Fender Mordecai, at a sparsely-attended press conference Monday morning announced, “In light of Mr. Walton’s foolish statements week in and week out, we feel that he is the ideal model to hold up as what can happen to our children if they abuse marijuana.” When asked about the timing of the move, Mordecai answered reporters “Walton’s performance as a broadcaster on Sunday during the Midwest Regional Final made our decision easy; the time to act is now.”
Citing Walton’s use of the movie “Gladiator” as a metaphor for what the Arizona Wildcats had to do to beat Illinois on Sunday, his pick of Loren Woods as the Chevrolet Player of the Game after chastising him for most of the afternoon, his declaration of Eugene Edgerson’s pre-game speech as “the most moving in the history of organized sports,” and his repetitive insistence that Arizona had to play a “perfect” game to have any chance against the Fighting Illini even as the Wildcats led by ten points were key factors in AHMAL’s decision, Mordecai said. “I think the clincher though,” he noted, “was when he said of Eugene Edgerson, ‘If there’s any man who looks great in a visor, it’s big Gene Edgerson.’ It was clear to our organization at that point, that we had been employing the wrong tactics all along. We are going to put aside our reactionary scare campaign, which met with absolutely no success, and focus on Mr. Walton as living proof of the dangers of marijuana abuse.”
Walton, best known as a

championship center for UCLA and for the Portland Trail Blazers, is a self-professed “pothead.” Since retiring after a brief and utterly worthless tenure on the Boston Celtics in the 1980’s, the opinionated redhead has kept busy by encouraging jam bands to sponsor the basketball teams of third-world countries and annoying sports fans with his weekend broadcasts throughout the basketball season. When asked to respond to the news, Walton said, “AHMAL is making a terrible mistake. I would imagine any parent would be proud to have me as a son, just as I am proud to have not one, but three, decent though ultimately mediocre college basketball players as my sons. By the way, did I tell you I played under John Wooden.”
Former Celtic teammate Robert Parrish, upon

hearing the news, remarked, “Glad it ain’t me.” Parrish went on to speculate that it was not marijuana, but an incidental elbow to the head suffered at the arm of former Portland sharpshooter Kiki Vandeweghe that scrambled Walton’s head. “He used to make a lot of sense, but Kiki had some mean elbows. Bill’s never been the same since that night. When he was playing with us in Boston, he kept telling everyone on the bench that Fred Roberts should

be starting ahead of Kevin McHale. McHale, GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, is affectionately known around the NBA as its greatest pure post-up player and more recently as the “guy who got caught with his fingers in the cookie jar trying to hang onto Joe Smith.” He declined to comment on the AHMAL campaign, saying only that he thought Walton was “just smoking plain-old cigars like Red Auerbach.”
AHMAL’s campaign, which will premiere during Saturday’s game between Michigan State and Arizona on CBS, features clips of Bill Walton playing in the national championships at UCLA, then footage of him waving a towel on the Celtics’ bench, and concluding with Walton making insipid and irrational comments during halftimes of this year’s NCAA tournament games. At the end of the commercials white letters appear on a black background, emerging from a fuzzy haze to a clear sentence: “Don’t let your babies grow up to be morons. Talk to your kids about the dangers of marijuana abuse.” The words then grow fuzzy again. “We considered many other slogans,” Mordecai said, “but our favorite, ‘A mind is a terrible thing to waste,’ had already been claimed by some militant civil rights organization and we thought ‘Still think marijuana’s a good idea?’ just wasn’t catchy enough. We wanted to get the parents involved, and really, no one worries about their kids growing up to be cowboys anymore, but I know I’m worried about my children growing up to be morons. My own kids were terrified when they saw the ads. I think they’ll be effective.”