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ST. LOUIS, MO. - Dan Dierdorf was admitted to a St. Louis area hospital Tuesday after experiencing what he called, “Severe stomach pain.”
    Sources in the emergency room have slowly leaked details regarding the condition of Dierdorf’s colon, which is apparently where the pain originated.
    Doctors were surprised to find that Dierdorf seems to have developed a pocket of air within his colorectal region. Baffled by the condition, doctors were further perplexed by Dierdorf’s unwillingness to answer questions pertaining to the condition and factors that may have contributed to it.
    It was hoped that a visit from one of Dierdorf’s closest friends and former partner on ABC’s Monday Night Football, Frank Gifford, might help to ease both Dierdorf’s obviously strained mind and painful ailment.
    Gifford, in town on business, is presumably still working through his own issues concerning the well publicized break up with former morning show queen, Cathy Lee.
    Mr. Gifford, as it turns out, was in need of treatment himself and was not, as originally assumed, present in the emergency room exclusively on his close friend’s behalf.
   “Frank came in to see a urologist and a prosthetics expert. According to his chart there was problem with his penal implant,” disclosed an overly friendly orderly.
   “Instead of pumping up when he squeezed the implanted pump, a stream of air was discharged through his urethra every time the pump was squeezed. It might sound funny, but it could cause serious problems for anyone he might be having sexual intercourse with.”
     While these stories are unrelated, apart from the obviously heterosexual relationship the two men share, we have only so much space to report the news and were forced to combine these two headlines.