MendingABrokenHeart

~Mending A Broken
Heart~

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*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

Before you go through it, many think of grief as the immediate reaction one has to the loss of a loved one. To some it may be tears, while to others it may be the scream that comes from somewhere inside you when you learn that your baby has died. Others think it is the numbness or shock that follows terrible news.
   Grief is much, much more than that. It has been called the toughest job you will ever have. It has also been described as nature's way of healing a broken heart.
   You may feel you have been left behind to bear the unbearable. You may feel and think things that are totally new to you. You may feel like you are going crazy.
   Mourning after a loss is the natural way of adjusting to what has happened. It is necessary and healthy to express your feelings, no matter what they are.
   While you may carry elements of grief with you your whole life, the pain now is the most intense and deep. It will lessen.

"My emotions have never been on such a wild roller coaster. One hour I feel like we are going to make it through this and be so much closer and then some little thing happens and my heart aches so bad for a baby I can hardly bear it"

You, too, can expect an emotional roller coaster following the loss of your baby. Most people go up and down, moving between four phases of mourning:
                    1.   Shock and Disbelief
                    2.   Searching and Yearning
                    3.   Confusion and Disinterest
                    4.   Resolution- getting on with living again

   The phases are not as clearly defined as they appear. You may experience all these phases at the same time, or one may dominate. You may shift back and forth, even after you thought you had recovered.
   The first news of your loss may send you into shock. You may feel stunned one minute; angry, panicked or distressed the next. You may feel this really couldn't happen to you; it must be a bad dream.

"It happened so fast (less than four hours) without any time to contemplate what was going on, that I think I am still in shock and will have much to face as time passes"

You may find it difficult to make decisions and to concentrate. You may be unaware of your surroundings or what is happening to you. Sometimes you may cry uncontollably, while at other times you may sit and stare into space.
   This stunned disbelief is the way you cope with shock that is too much to deal with all at once.
   In the second phase, "Searching and Yearnig," in a sense you are searching for your baby. This phase is your attempt to test whether what has occured is really true.
   Some mothers fear they are losing their minds because they hear phantom crying, feel the baby kick, dream about the baby and being pregnant again, or just feel pregnant.

"I had a dream she was lying in her coffin in my kitchen sink. The top was off. Her arms and legs were flying and moving around. It made me want to open her casket up and see if she was really alive"

You may be depressed that your body acts as though you still have a baby. Your breasts may fill with milk or you may still feel pregnant.

"I thought I was pregnant and gaining weight for a long time after"

These reactions are normal. You had prepared yourself to care for your baby. Now you need time to adjust physically and emotionally to what has happened.
   Emotional outbursts are common at this time. You may feel angry at your spouse, doctor, nurse, God or yourself for what happened to your baby. You may feel an unusual rage within you asking, "Why did this happen to me? Why is God punishing me? Why would God let my baby die?"
   You may find yourself crying a lot. You may lose weight because you are nauseated or able to eat very little. Or, you may eat a lot, gaining weight. You may be weak, unable to sleep or wanting to sleep all the time.
   There is a physical cause for these changes. The hormone, adrenaline, is very high in our bodies when we have a loss. It causes us to become restless or unable to concentrate for a long time.
   Going out in public or back to work may be especially hard. Many mothers have said they do not want to look at other pregnant women or look at or hold babies. Some feel pain when they see a pregnant friend or hear a new baby cry.

"A close friend of mine is pregnant. I didn't know that she was until after I miscarried. Her due date and mine were close to the same time. That hurts. I think about our kids growing up together, going to school together, like she and I did. We would have so much to share. I find myself staying away from her, not wanting to see her belly grow while mine stays flat and lifeless. I miss my unborn baby"

(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares." By Bereavement Services)

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