~Infant Death~

THE UNTHINKABLE HAS HAPPENED TO YOU- YOUR BABY HAS DIED.
You may find it hard to take it all in. Throughout the pregnancy, you probably imagined what it would be like to parent this baby. You may have made plans for the baby's room, thought about the baby's name, maybe even pictured family celebrations. And now, you must make plans to say goodbye to your baby.
You may have heard your baby called a neonate. These babies are born alive, but may live only minutes, hours, or as long as 28 days. They may have been born prematurely, too tiny to survive. For others, the birth experience was too dangerous. Other babies have serious physical conditions. Often, we may not know about these conditions until their birth, or in the first few days of life.

The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit
Perhaps your baby was in a neonatal intensive care unit. This can be a very trying time for parents. It may have been difficult to be a parent to your baby because of all the equipment and treatments being done. It is hard to have privacy in such a busy place. It is also hard to watch your child struggle for life. Some parents feel as though they have lost control, and feeling helpless is not easy. When you began your journey as the parent of this baby, you never pictured taking this path. You may find your thoughts going back to what happened during the pregnancy, labor, and delivery. So it is not surprising that many loving parents find themselves unwilling or unable to suddenly start down a new path.

"We behaved in real different ways when Isaac was in the hospital. I felt a real need to be with him, to be by him. It was part of my job as a father, as a concerned father, as the caring father I wanted to be. It was my responsibility to be there. The few times he did open his eyes I wanted him to see something familar in all that chaos that was going on around him. I wanted him to look at me, and feel assured after that. Anne dealt with it in a totally different way, where she stayed pretty much isolated in the waiting room. She'd come over from time to time justto check on things from the periphery. But she didn't want to come close, didn't want to see what was going on, didn't want to hold him. And in fact didn't hold him until after he died, when she came in and started rocking him for a brief second, and thought to herself, 'this is bad.' It didn't feel right to her"

These parents had very different reactions to their baby's death. Both were normal. There is no 'right' way to grieve. Even if you and your partner are very close, you will discover differences in how you handle your grief. This discovery might be unpleasant. Did this baby mean as much to my partner? Why can't he or she talk about it? Is there anyone who feels the way I do? Am I upsetting my partner when I want to talk about the baby?
Be careful not to judge your partner, or the quality of his or her grief. When your world has been turned upside down by death,  you need all of your emotional energy to cope with that event.

What You Can Do For Your Baby
Grief can also feel like a great weight coming down on you. It may be hard to concentrate or feel interested in the people and things that used to take up your time. You may feel anxious and unsettled, unable to make the simplest decisions. Yet, you may find that you feel a little better as you begin to make some choices. That is because you are caring for your baby.
You may wish to spend some last moments with your baby after his or her death. If you have other children, consider whether they would like to say goodbye, too. Sometimes grandparents appreciate this time with their grandchild.

"When the kids came, I told the nurse to bring the baby in. It just came naturally. I shared the pregnancy all the way with the children and I would also share this...Now that I look back on it, I am so wonderfully grateful because the children had a chance to meet their brother. That was so special"

If you wish to have pictures taken of your baby, and it is not offered by the hospital staff, be sure to ask. Many parents cherish pictures taken of their child alone, dressed and undressed, with them,  and sometimes with other family members. Some families also like to take their own pictures. Naming your baby is another way of getting to know him or her as a person. Sometimes parents write a poem or a few thoughts to be included in their baby's obituary or memorial service.
Some parents like to keep a lock of their baby's hair as a remembrance, or the clothing or a blanket the baby used. Your hospital staff may be able to make hand or foot prints of your baby, or castings of the prints. Many parents like to put their remembrances in a memory box, or keep a baby book, which may include the baby's identification band and crib card, or a baby ring, and notes and cards from family or friends.
One decision you will need to make is whether to have an autopsy done on your baby. You will be given several choices when the doctor discusses an autopsy with you. Take enough time to decide what feels right for you.

"We miss Ryan very much. Actually, there was a miracle...a different kind of miracle...little Ryan himself. He had a chance at life even though the odds were against him, and he reminds us all of how precious life is, no matter how brief. The importance of life is not measured by time. There will always be someone missing in our family, but he will be special in our hearts forever"
(From the pamphlet "Newborn Death" By: Bereavement Services)