Last month in 'The World is not Enough...: Lara Croft kicked out DJ-DIE,took over the leadership of ~TBT~ and renamed it 'The Big Girly Chums'.Meanwhile,Lord Baz caught the bus to Vienna,intending to rescue his useless m8 GHOST,and then...oh I can't be bothered - read it yourselves.


PART 2 CHAPTER I PAGE ONE EPISODE 1 THE FIRST BIT
Lord Baz arrived at the British Embassy in Vienna and grabbed the nearest telephone - he dialled the number of the Ministry of Defence:
"Hello,M.O.D...."
"That's not how you spell 'hello'.."
"Oh Christ,it's you"
"No,it's Baz"
"That's what I meant you bloody idiot - you and Ghost are both fired from the Secret Service.Now get out!Even though we're on the phone..."
"Wow!Thx,m8!!"
"Do you understand a word I'm saying?"
"Um...no."
"Gimme strength...just get lost before I have a breakdown."
"Um...what?"
And with that Baz was off quicker than Jaap Stam.

The Exciting Fight Bit

Lord Baz rushed into the room and leapt skywards,hoping to swing across the ceiling on a crystal chandelier while dispatching his enemies with a well-timed kick.Sadly for him,he grabbed a flourescent strip light instead,electrocuted himself,fell onto Lara Croft's head & swallowed a smoke alarm. Meanwhile.Ghost had worked out how to get out of the oven - he opened the oven door.He ran toward Lord Baz,who was using the bullet-dodging technique that he'd learned from watching 'The Matrix'.Baz had only been hit by seven thousand bullets when Ghost sprang into laziness:
(Above:Lord Baz leaps into action,while his mum covers his back)

"Oi Lara,your games have been crap since Tomb Raider 1!"
"Really?Well since I'm so crap why did you n' Baz sleep outside the cinema at the 'Tomb Raider' movie premiere just so Angelina Jolie would autograph your pants,God that must be the longest sentence in history?"
"It was in the name of science",said Ghost.
Baz said:"No it wasn't,G,remember?You said it's cos you fancy her,isn't it?"
"Oh crap..cheers for rememberin',m8..."
But then Lord Baz had a thought,which was a first for him:
"Don't worry m8 - I've been doing kung-fu for 3 years!"
"Christ,you must be shagged out."
"And anyway,if she's really Lara Croft,she's certain to die in a really stupid and annoying way in a minute"
Suddenly,Lara said:"Uh",as a giant stone ball rolled over her.She fell off a cliff into a pit full of spikes and was eaten by a t-rex with a samurai sword.
"She would have been ok if she'd saved earlier",said Baz.
"Ta for saving me,m8y"
"I had to - it's rent day"

LORD BAZ AND GHOST PHILOSOPHISE ABOUT THE FAIRER SEX
(Above: GHOST and BAZ - They are so poor that they have to live in black and white)
(Scene 2:In Baz's living room,Ghost is reading 'The Beano', Baz is looking for the recipe for toast.and wondering how chickens lay scotch eggs)
"Hey Ghost,why d'ya reckon Lara's trying to take over ~TBT~?",he asked.
"She must be peed off wiv all the clans being run by men"
Ghost is probably the most stupid person to ever come out of Wales,which is saying something - I mean,just look at Helen from 'Big Brother'.He waved his arms around like a windmill as he talked crap:
"You see,m8,about 100 years ago,Man beat the dinosaurs after extra time & penalties,and took control of the world.The women just did the cooking,had a loada of kids & watched 'Home and Away',and.."
"What do ya think it's like,giving birth then?"
"It must be like 'aving a big crap"
"In your mum's case,it was exactly like it",said Baz.
"Anyway,the women got fed up of doing the dishes,so in the 7O's,those birds from ABBA invented Girl Power and suddenly! women started getting jobs,wearing their old man's trousers & playing Quake."
"Yeah,I wouldn't mind but they're bleedin' good at it too - Renya whipped my arse last night"
"And she beat you at Quake too..how are you n' her getting on these days?"
"Oh she's gr8!And as for those tight shorts she wears..yum yum.."
"Baz m8 - I hate to be the one to tell you this,but,that's not really Renya..it's just her game character."
"Wot???"
"She doesn't really look like that or skate around shooting people all day",said Ghost.
"You're jokin'..."
"Nope - she's probably a 54 year-old welder called Sid - that's the internet for you..."
"Oh balls..and I took the back off my telly to see if she was in there"
"Don't worry,I know what it's like,m8 - me n' Love~TbT~ used to be real close",sighed the G
. "She's from Germany,ain't she?How did you communicate wiv 'er?"
,said Baz. "Well,as you know,the only things I left school with were library books,so I had to use the German I learned off the back of aerosol tins I read while I was sat on the toilet.So when she asked if we could meet up someday,the only German I could say was 'First,wash your face,shave your beard,and do not expose to sunlight'"
"Wot did she say?"
"Dunno m8.She disconnected and I've never seen her since"
"Do you think you'll ever meet?"
"I hope not - I told her I was Brad Pitt's twin brother"
"Well what do you really look like?"
"Imagine the Cookie Monster off Sesame Street with a wig..and a stick-on goatee beard."
Baz smiled and said:
"I reckon DJ-DIE's gonna give us a medal for beating Lara."
"Yeah,definataly,which I always spell wrongly"

A MESSAGE FROM OUR LEADER

Just then,a carrier pigeon flew through the window,which wasn't open.Baz grabbed a piece of paper which was tied around it's leg.
"What's it say,m8?"
"Nothing - it's a piece of paper,you moron.Oh,I see what you mean now.It's from someone called 'dijiddy'".He scratched his head with a spoon.
"That's Dj-Die, you gonk.So go on.what's it all about?",asked Ghost.
"I can't tell - all his writing's gone funny 'cos of lag and bad con.It reads:
"You pair of facking twuts.You're bath socked - now get out of mi sight"
"But we're not on his site",said said B."And after all we've done for him - I even let him live in my toilet".
"Don't think you should have flushed it,tho' m8...Sod this,Baz!I'm leaving ~TBT~!",said Ghost melodramitacally,and threw his cape across his shoulders.catching Lord Baz in the family jewels and almost turning him into Lady Baz in the process.
"I know!We'll join another clan!",shouted Baz.
"Which one?"
"Well...um...~TBT~'s a good one.And that pillock Ghost will let anyone join them!!!"
"Gr8 idea,m8y!I'll send Ghost a message immediately,asking if we can join",said Ghost.He dialled his own mobile number.
"There's no answer".Oh.'ang on...".He wrote something down on a piece of paper and attached it to the carrier pigeon's leg.Then he threw it at himself.
"Wow!I've just had a text message on my mobile pigeon asking myself if I can join ~TBT~!",he said.
"What d'you reckon,m8?",said Baz.
"Ooh,I dunno,I'd better ask Ghost..."
"Why don't you ring him?"
"Good idea,m8!...still no answer - he must be at Baz's."
"I'll go and ring Baz!",said Baz.
"Well done,m8!I reckon Dj-Die's gonna give us a medal for this!!"
"Yeah,definataly.............." This conversation went on for several months...
Meanwhile...
While Baz & Ghost are talking rubbish,Lara Croft had come back from the dead,just by pushing her shift buttons:
"Still no nude cheat",she sighed,"Ghost and Baz will be gutted"
She pulled the whole of Europe out of her tiny rucksack.
"I must go on the Dreamcast Quake servers to destroy the male clan leaders...Dj-die,Dave Death,Dead Fred,Right Said Fred,Evil Bob,Not Very Nice Bob,and also,Funky Monkey Terminator 2001."
But she kept coming back to the same old map,'cos Sega didn't give a toss about the servers,they were back in Japan with our money.And as for BT...well...(add your own swear words here,folks).So Lara disconnected,and went in search of another Sega online game - she'd have to look for a bloody long time,then,lol.

PSOff
Baz,Ghost and Lara Croft jumped into the world of Phantasy Star Online,and were immediately killed by some sad muppet with a Game Shark.Then the servers went down again.
MENTAL GEAR SOLID
So Lara slipped in another disc - the mighty Metal Gear Solid.
"Ooh!Ooh!!I wanna be Solid Snake!Me!Me!",squealed Baz.
"Oh,go on then...",sighed the other two.
"And I shall be the beautiful but deadly Sniper Wolf",said Lara.
"And I shall be going",said brave Ghost,and with that,he ran off at 100 hours per mile,his zimmer frame melting with all the g-forces.
But the old git was too slow,and Lara trained her rifle sights on his rapidly balding head.Her first shot hit Ghost on his Tom Jones wig,deflected off his false teeth and shattered as it hit his home-made trousers.But the second shot lodged in his brain..and what a good shot THAT must have been.
Solid Baz was about to rescue his crappy m8 once again when his codec communicator started ringing:
"It must be the boss of Foxhound,Colonel Mustard",he thought.
"Hello?Wot??Oh,it's you mum..yes.I am wrapped up warmly..yes,I 've got clean pants on...yes..."
"OI!Baz!Help me.fer Chrissakes!!!Arrghh!!",screamed Ghost.
"Soz G - I gotta go.My tea's ready"
"AARRRGGGHH!!!!YOU SNEAKY TWAT!!!AAARRRGGHH!!".Ghost refused to suffer in silence.
"Bye!! :)".Baz waved cheerily as he disappeared into the sunset in his mum's shopping trolley.A japanese voice came on the codec:
"SNAKE!SNAAAAAAKE!!!AW,BORROCKS..."

THE FINAL CONFLICT
"Ghost",said Lara,"before I kill you I'm going to prove that I'm even more psychic than Pyscho Mantis by telling the whole world your innermost secrets"
"Oh good....",smiled Ghost through gritted teeth.
"Yes,yes,I see it all now...you bought all of Asda's action figures of Sophitia from 'Soul Calibur'"
"Er..that's enough,ta..,"squirmed Ghost.
"And you placed a hidden camera in a sheep pen"
"Oh crap",he sobbed.
"And why are you wearing a nappy?"
"Right,button it - this is my website,so just shut it,ok?"
Lara placed her hands on her hips and said in a loud bossy voice:
"Very well,Mr Ghost,and now I expect you to die..."
4 hours later she was still looking in her handbag for her gun -
"I know it's in here somewhere",she said.
Ghost seized the opportunity to phone Lord Baz.
"Hey Baz,come n' give us a hand will ya?",he begged.
"Soz,G - Mum says I can't go out 'til my room's tidy"
"Jesus H. Christ...and now I've run out of credit too - curse these HyperValue phones!!!I know!I'll sell my phone and buy a top-up card!"
Lara looked at the G in disgust and snarled:
"You know,you are as stupid as you look"
"Ta,m8y!!!",said Ghost the idiot.
"I can't even be bothered to kill you, it'll be more cruel to let you live.I'm off" "Bye!GG,WP :)",said Ghost.
"FO",said Lara.

THE LYIN' KING

(Scene 3:Back at Lord Baz's shed - Ghost is laying on a bin bag,brushing dandruff off his cravat,Baz is staring out of the window 'cos there's nothing on the telly)
Ghost is telling Baz about his final battle with Lara -
"Of course,it wouldn't have been sporting of me to kill her,so I just told her to run along.Naturally she begged me to marry her,but I said:"Lara,Wales needs me,and I cannot desert my country.."
"Not to mention the sheep",mocked Lord Baz.
"You're just jealous.Then she kissed me,and said she was joining..um..what's that place where the nuns live?So I told her I was off to Berlin in one of my Ferrari's to collect my Nobel Prize for astronomy.And then..."
"You woke up,you lyin' twat.Astronomy?You're the bloke who thought he needed a telescope to watch satellite tv.And you wanna lose that stupid beard,mush - if they ever make a Pepsi Max advert for pensioners,you'll be quids in",laughed His Bazship.

(Above: Beard and his stupid Ghost.Beard: "This is the most embarrassing Ghost I've ever grown")
"As Shakespeare once wrote,'Sod off Baz,you toerag'.I think that says it all,really.By the way,Your Crapship,I took your missus out for a meal last night...but her trough was empty"

"Ho bloody ho.And that's exactly what people call your girlfriend.Hey!Where's all my bloody windows gone?"
"Dunno,m8 - they fell out when I was eating marzipan"
"That was putty,you mongo",squealed His Lordship."Right,you're dead!"
"Am I?Christ,no one ever tells me anything..."
"Sorry to hear about that m8 - do you want us to bury you at sea?",said Baz.
"No,you'd all drown"
Lord Baz leaned against the window and fell 3 million feet to the pavement below.
"AAAARRRRGGHHHHH IN CAPITAL LETTERS",he screamed.
"77yr0i23ud0238ry8",typed Ghost.
"Wot?"
"Nothing,I dropped my milkshake on the keyboard".
"I believe I have broken my arse",cried Baz.
"Didn't R Kelly sing that?"
"Right,GERRALOADADIS!",shouted Baz,and he threw his best rattle at the G.
"OWWWWWWWWW!I'M TELLING ON YOU!"
"NA NA NA-NA NA!",sang Baz.He climbed into his dad's car and drove off.

(Above:Lord Baz's QuakeMobile)
THE EXCITING CAR CHASE BIT
(I can't find any car chase pics,so this'll have to do -'BRRRM BRRRRM,BEEP BEEP,CRRASHH')

TWO FIGHTS,FOUR WEDDINGS AND A NUNNERY
Just then,some ants came out of the pub and beat up Ghost n' Baz.
Then Renya went to one those places where the nuns go;Lara Croft married some sheep to avoid dating Ghost;Pierce Brosnan married the ants;Baz married some nuns;Ghost married the pub;The nuns tried to get into the pub;Ghost tried to get into the nuns;The nuns beat up Ghost,and they all lived crappily ever after :)
THE END
THE BEGINNING
BAZ AND GHOST WILL RETURN IN 'GOLD AND DIAMONDS ARE NOT ENOUGH TO LIVE AND LET DIE IN TOMORROW'