What if?
Would it have mattered…?
***
‘Why’…is something I ask myself
often, most times not expecting an
answer; still I ask. I ask for myself,
I ask to learn, I ask to fill the silence.
Most times I ask because my mind
ponders many things, much of which
I don’t understand; often I ask for
validation and comfort.
I think it’s my way of not letting
myself forget the things that are
important to me, even though I
might not totally understand. By
asking questions I learn; but most
likely, it leads me to ask even more
questions.
***
‘What if’…is a question that
can paralyze your mind, or lead
someone to great places. I myself
am stuck somewhere closer to being
paralyzed by the thought. For in
asking this question, it requires
action, taking action is the problem
in most cases.
I look back at my life often, and
ask 'what if?’ I seem to do this
more as I get older. Asking this
question about events that happen
in the past is difficult. The only
good that comes from asking this
question is if you learn something
from your analysis of the past, and
apply it to the present.
Asking 'what if' prior to a decision
in the present tense is where I tend
to get lost in thought. Sometimes
I wish all of life’s events or questions
had a simple yes or no choice.
At the age of 10 and my diagnosis,
I learned the process of analysis. My
life was then, and is now, dependent
on the decisions I make every day.
The outcome of a bad or wrong
decision brings very fast and dire
consequences. A 10-year-old child
should not have to spend their time
analyzing events of such life changing
choices.
***
‘Would it have mattered’…I
ask myself this question many times
as I analyze the consequences that
resulted in a bad choice or decision
I have made. The answer is a simple
one most times, yes it would have
mattered, because most times in life
there are good and bad choices.
Sometimes we tend to make the very
same wrong decision over and over
again. We do this hoping that the next
time our decision will result in a positive
outcome, this usually never is the case;
still we try.
I tend to ask myself this question
when my mind is deep in thought.
This question arises more often than
not when I am analyzing the past, and
situations in my life that are very painful.
My thoughts on this question vary
from day to day. If any one of my
decisions, choices, or events in my life
had been different, I would very well
not be writing this now.
Some say your choices in life are
predetermined, others say you make
your own choices and choose your
own path. I myself, am caught in the
middle of the two.
***
These are just a few of my thoughts that I
ponder in my day to day struggle with 'D'…
Gary
2000
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