"Take a chill pill, Dimples!" the Goddess of Love chided from behind. "You act as if you've never been a man before!"
"What?!" gc twirled to see the scantily clad vision. "I never have been a man before!"
Aphrodite chuckled. "That's right!" She waved a delicate hand at gc. "You mortals never remember your past lives!"
"Did ancient Greeks even believe in reincarnation?" the beffudled fanfic writer asked herself.
"Who are you calling 'ancient,' Stud?" pouted the offended goddess.
"Not you, of course." gc covered her faux pas nicely.
Aphrodite's face lit up with a gigantic smile. "Didn't think so, Handsome." She crinkled her nose and twinkled her eyes in a seductive manner.
godconnie stopped breathing for a moment.
"Uh..." gc said as her lungs began to fill again. "Could you maybe try to be less...s...s...sexy?"
The jungle rang with the most glorious laughter that ever existed.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Aphrodite grabbed her side and doubled over. "Who knew that laughter could be so painful?"
"Wait," gc said with concern. "Gods don't feel pain."
"Ow," the Goddess straightened up. "Yeah, you're right." She stretched her arms and leaned from side to side. "What's that about?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Aphrodite questioned. "You're
writing this!"
"Yeah, but I'd never want to hurt you," gc said shyly. "You're the Goddess of Love and all."
"So sweet," the goddess smiled. "Well then, what gives?"
godconnie had a thought. "What if you're losing your powers? I mean, Ares is mortal now, right?" She appeared to be wrestling with some kind of twisted RenPics-like logic. "Does your world really need love now that war has been eradicated?"
Aphrodite's eyes grew wide. "You have got to be kidding me!" She shouted in disbelief. "The world will always need love!!!"
"Okay! Okay!" the writer acquiesced. "Sorry."
"Jeez Louise," the Goddess began to pace. "Don't freak me out like that, okay?"
"I'm not trying to upset you, Aphrodite, but something is certainly amiss," godconnie said seriously. "I mean... Maybe you should do something to prove that you've still got it."
"Oh, I've got it all right!"
"If you say so..."
Aphrodite stopped in her tracks. "Listen, Little Miss Smarty Pants..." She put her hands on her shapely hips. "I can handle anything your mortal imagination can come up with!"
"You think so?" A plan began to take shape in the writer's mind.
"Name your poison," the goddess commanded.
"Seriously?" gc scuffed the ground with her foot and lowered her gaze.
"Oh, don't play coy with me now," the blonde said, shaking her head.
"Could you change the lower half of my body back to that of a female?" the Scorpio asked meekly.
"Whatever floats your boat," Aphrodite nodded and part of gc's body became hers again. "Weirdo," the goddess mumbled under her breath.
"I heard that."
"Whatever..." Aphrodite made a 'W' with her fingers.
"Ah..." gc did a tiny wiggle dance and sighed happily, moderately comfortable again. "Sweet relief."
"So," Aphrodite interrupted. "Do I still have it or what?"
"It appears that you do," the writer responded. "Still, that doesn't explain why your side was aching."
"This is true," the blonde agreed.
"Are you sure it's not possible that someone is tapping into your powers?" godconnie asked. "Leeching off of you in this time of Olympian weakness?"
"What kind of person would do such a thing?"
"Oh my god!" gc proclaimed, having a revelation. "What if it's the Archangel Michael and his giant shaft of light?!" She began to speak quickly. "He could have easily suckered some poor, innocent sap into doing some weird mojo on you! I mean, if he can convince the Warrior Princess to become his religious assassin, he could pretty much talk anyone into doing just about anything, right?"
"Whoa there, cowgirl!" Aphrodite requested. "Back up a bit. Who is this Michael and just how big is his shaft?" she asked -- half concerned, half turned on.
"What?" the writer had been lost in thought. "Oh, Michael is the head lackey for Eli's God of Love."
"God of LOVE?!!!" the goddess fumed. "That's what he calls himself?"
"It's what the Elijians call him," confirmed gc.
"Oooooooooooooooh..." the goddess whined and stomped her foot. "Could my summer get any worse?"
"Hey," the writer stated cautiously. "You don't think Michael got to Mezzo, do you?"
"What would make you suggest that?"
"Well, she's been boasting about her burgeoning zapping powers," the dark-haired woman explained. "She's the one that turned me into Probst."
"Ouch!" the goddess said in disgust. "She did this to you?"
godconnie nodded. "At first, I attributed her newfound powers to her
Willow Rosenberg fixation..."
"Willow!" Aphrodite broke in with a happy squeal. "Aren't she and Tara just the cutest?"
"Adorable," godconnie agreed.
"Joss is awesome!" the goddess chirped.
"You're preaching to the choir, sister!"
"I hope he pens another Aliens script," Aphrodite continued. "I'm dying to see Sigourney and Winona get it on!"
"You and me both..." gc stopped. "Hey, wait a minute. We're supposed to be talking about Mezzo and her magic spells."
"My bad!" the goddess shrugged.
"Aren't you the least bit concerned about what's going on?"
"I'm definintely not liking this whole pain thing," Aphrodited admitted. "And I am so not down with the concept of a self-proclaimed God of Love. But... I really don't think Mezzo would do anything to hurt me."
"What if she's been touched by Michael's shaft?"
Aphrodite raised one eyebrow and paused for effect. "Do you honestly
think that Mezzo would let any guy's shaft get near her?" she deadpanned.
"You have a point there."
"You might be right about her wanting to be the next Big Bad, but I just don't see her using her powers for evil."
"Hello?!!!" gc thrust her arms out. "She turned me into Jeff 'Anal' Probst!!!"
Aphrodite cringed. "That is pretty vile," she agreed. "Did she explain
why she did it?"
"Something about us needing to do damage control during the reward
challenge. She thought Probst would be the best instrument for that. She then claimed it would be easier to transform me because I already have brown eyes and dimples."
"Sucker!" laughed Aphrodite.
godconnie snarled.
"I could change you back if you want," the goddess quickly offered.
"I wish you could," gc looked back at the antsy castaways who were pacing up and down the beach. "But I still have a job to do."
"So dedicated," the blonde put an appreciative hand on Faux-Probst's shoulder.
Suddenly, there was a gleam in the fanfic author's eye. "Is there any way we could give Mezzo a dose of her own medicine?"
"That depends on what you have in mind," said the equitable goddess.
"Would you change part of her anatomy?" asked a hopeful gc.
Aphrodite threw her head back and sighed. "Can't you think of something more original?"
"But this is the perfect way to get even," the writer begged. "Plus, it'll
guarantee that she never messes with me again."
"Fine," the blonde gave in. "What do you want me to do? Oh! I know! I could make her the first female Centaur!"
"Ick!" godconnie shook her head. "Centaurs give me the creeps!"
"What about a mermaid?" questioned the goddess. "Mermaids aren't creepy."
"No, but the mere thought of them causes me to have flashbacks to Married With Fishsticks." gc shivered. "Please don't make me go there
again."
"You're right." Even Aphrodite hated that particular moment in time. "Sorry. What would you suggest then?"
"Well..." gc said in a conspiratorial manner. "Mezzo has this thing about Ares' boobies."
"Exsqueeze me?"
"She thinks they are too fleshy, too hairy," the writer explained. "They make her want to retch."
"What is she, nuts?" the blonde bombshell asked, disbelieving. "I mean, I know he's my bro and all, but he is fine with a capital 'F'!"
"Some people just don't appreciate true beauty," stated gc.
"The horror!"
"I know," the dark-haired woman said sympathetically. "Maybe we could teach her a lesson or two?"
The goddess nodded. "One fleshy, hairy-chested fanfic writer coming up!" She began to snap her fingers, an act that would cause her to vanish.
"Aphrodite!" gc yelled before the goddess could disappear.
"Yes?"
"Thank you," the writer said sincerely. "And be careful."
The blonde goddess smiled. "Always, Cutie." And, with a wink and a snap, Aphrodite was gone.
Fifteen seconds later, the island reverberated with Mezzo's tortured howl.
"Heh," godconnie chuckled. "Score one for the Scorpio."
