And Tapert ranted on. He was now up to accusing the Island Goddesses of setting him up.
"Duh," said Colleen, who managed to tune in for a moment before checking out once again as the deluded TV mogul launched into touting the brilliance of the fifth season.
Xena broke into a wide, happy grin at Gabrielle's eye-footsie. She glanced quickly about, squelching her smile as she didn't want to attract attention. The warrior waited a few moments after Gabrielle disappeared into the undergrowth and quietly melted away from Tapert's hostages. A few yards away from the stage, she broke into another enormous, ear-to-ear grin.
Oh, yeah, Warrior Princess is about to get lucky, she thought happily.
She and the bard had been unable to spend any quality time alone
without interruption since they got to the island save for their brief stay on the boat…and Xena had gotten the distinct impression someone had been watching them. The warrior was getting testy due to their lack of mutual affection. Xena began unhooking her armor, thinking of the bard's many luscious curves.
Colleen was musing on her place in the Survivor competition and paying no attention whatsoever to Tapert when out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the Warrior Princess slip away. Colleen looked over to see Ares' eyes glazed over. The co-ed decided to take advantage of his distraction and headed into the undergrowth after the Warrior Princess.
Xena, breastplate hanging in her hand and a happy, goofy grin plastered on her face, quietly traveled the jungle where she quickly came upon Gabrielle in a small clearing.
"Xena, what's going on?" whispered Gabrielle, eyeing the unusually
happy warrior and her lack of armor.
"Make-up sex, right?" said Xena, blue eyes twinkling.
Gabrielle chuckled and shook her head.
"I'm not going to get lucky," whimpered Xena.
"Baby, you got lucky the first day you met me," teased the bard. She
became serious at the warrior's unhappy face. "And I got lucky the first day I met you."
Xena and Gabrielle heard movement in the bushes. They turned to see Colleen part the undergrowth and step through.
"What's going on, guys?" asked the co-ed.
Xena dejectedly put her armor back on. "Nothing, apparently," she sighed.
"I saw something over here. A light. I thought we should check it out," said Gabrielle, smiling at her dark warrior.
The Warrior Princess noticed the light for the first time. Strangely enough, it seemed to be coming from mid-air between a tree and a bush.
"What is it?" murmured Xena.
Colleen took the index finger on each of her hands and thrust them up
over her own ears, making them look pointed. She furrowed her brow and proclaimed, "It looks like a tear in the space-time fan fiction continuum, Captain."
Xena and Gabrielle glanced at each other, then back at Colleen. The
co-ed smiled.
"Ooops, wrong cult TV show. What I meant is...it looks like it might be a way out."
The threesome walked over to the rip. It was glowing around its edges
and seemed to be oozing lavender light. They approached cautiously and peered in. Through the rip, Xena and Gabrielle saw the green lands of their homeland, Greece. It was twilight and Argo II was standing near a tree hunting for apples. Dozens of apple cores littered the ground at the mare's hooves.
"Gabrielle, that's where we left Argo right before we ended up here," said Xena quietly. "There's our gear and food."
"Let's break this situation down a bit," mused Gabrielle. "The Island
Goddesses, who may or may not be goddesses..."
"Oh, trust me, they're goddesses," smiled Colleen. "Roooowwwwrrrrr,"
she winked and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Gabrielle and Xena exchanged amused glances as the bard continued.
"So. The goddesses bring Xena and me here...plus Tapert...and Aphrodite as well."
"And Joxer's still out there somewhere," added Colleen.
Xena and Gabrielle looked at Colleen blankly. Crickets chirped. A slight wind rustled the tall, jungle grass. A lion roared lazily in the distance. The cicadas began twittering loudly from the trees.
"Oh. Oh, yeah, Joxer," the bard said finally. She continued. "Then they create a dreamworld within the island that they not only bring us to, but they also bring Ares, Antony and Borias," the bard stopped and gasped, turning to Xena. "They must be real goddesses. They have control over other gods and goddesses and are even able to bring dead people back to life!"
"It's a fan fiction," shrugged Colleen. "They can make anything happen just by writing it."
Gabrielle turned to the co-ed. "We're real, Colleen. Xena and I are not
fiction," she said passionately. The Amazon closed her eyes and shook
her head. "Whatever's going on, the bottom line is they have to be
expending enormous power to accomplish all of this. And maybe the rip has appeared because they've taxed their power."
"You mean it's falling apart at the seams?" said Xena, getting to the
condensed version of the bottom line.
"Could be," whispered Gabrielle. "And with their attention on Fifth-usia and Tapert, this may be our chance to go home."
"We need to be careful," cautioned Xena. "It looks like home, but we don't know what will happen if we actually step through."
Gabrielle nodded in agreement.
Back at the stage, Tapert's rant trailed off as he noticed he had only one member left in the audience.
"Did anyone hear what I was saying?" yelled the frustrated executive.
"What? Huh? Um, no, I've been thinking," said Ares distractedly.
"Please don't. You're not supposed to think...you're just supposed to stand around and look pretty," said an irritated Tapert. "Now where're
Xena and Gabrielle...and Colleen?"
"What's been going on this past year?" asked Ares rhetorically,
ignoring Tapert's remark. "I mean, Xena and I had a complex, dark,
deep relationship in the early days. It was about power over one soul...my dark temptation against her struggle for good. The fate of individuals and even the world often rested upon that relationship. And then all of a sudden it was about sex," frowned Ares. "I mean, I've claimed to love Xena, but all I've done is bring her…and myself…misery and pain. And for what, a chance at an orgasm or two?"
"Umm…duh," replied Tapert. "No doubt the Island Goddesses are putting these thoughts in that pretty head of yours...or Steven Sears," the executive glanced around. "Did you see a bear or a hummingbird around here?"
"I mean, let's face it," continued Ares. "I may want to boink Xena, sure. I want her to lead my armies…rule the world and all that. But I don't want any kind of ball and chain," and here the dark stud mimicked a female voice... "'Why can't you be goooood and help people?'" he dropped his voice to its normal register. "For Elysian Fields' sakes, I'm Ares, God of War!"
He began to feel a strange, tingly sensation in his hands. Ares looked
down and, for a second, thought he saw a crackling of blue on his hands.
"You were Ares, God of War…now you're just Ares, mortal stud," said
Tapert. "See, I took your powers away because I wanted to prove that you loved Xena…and I thought it would be dramatically interesting."
Ares' mouth stood wide open in utter shock.
Could this red-haired creature be telling the truth? thought Ares. Earlier he claimed he made Antony. The Island Goddesses created this entire Fifth-usia world for the pregnant man's benefit. He must be a being, maybe even a deity, of enormous power and importance. What if Tapert has some kind of control over my world, my life? What if it wasn't Eve who brought about the destruction of the Greek gods, but this 'executive producer?'
The dark stud turned his attention back to Tapert.
"So. You had something to do with my god-lessness?" he said out loud, his anger beginning to rise.
"I created you. I rule you," replied Tapert, oblivious to Ares' increasing agitation.
"Rule me, do you?" said a disbelieving Ares. "No one rules Ares."
"Oh, please, you've been ruled by your penis since Xena got pregnant
with Eve. Your character does what I tell it to because I'm..." and here
Tapert paused, put his hands on his hips, and threw back his shoulders as his hair blew proudly in the wind. "...the executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess."
Ares ignored the producer's insult. He was curious about how worshipful Tapert's voice became when he said the words 'executive producer.'
"Is an executive producer more powerful than a god?" asked Ares.
"Yes. Yes it is," Tapert searched for a way to express his role with Xena: Warrior Princess in terms that Ares could understand. He hit upon an idea, shortly to become the making of his doom.
"Everything that happens to Xena and her world, including what happens to the Greek, Hindu, Roman Gods and the God of Light…even Dahok…happens because I make it so. That twilight of the gods thing? Me. The rise of the God of Light and Eve's birth? Me again. Dahok's attempt to take over the world? Yup. Me. I'm the power that be," Tapert said.
Ares had a sudden, Greek god version of an epiphany. And he was not
happy. So THIS was why life had become such a living Tartarus! This
executive producer creature had been manipulating him. Why he, Ares, had gone from a god of war to a lovesick stalker…to a mere mortal.
Ares felt an intense heat in his hands. He looked down to see blue,
crackling fire surrounding his fingers and swirling over his palms. A look of amazement...and hope...crossed his handsome face. Ares pointed his finger at one of the guitars on stage near Tapert. A blue bolt of flame cracked in the air. The guitar exploded.
Tapert gulped.
Ares smiled.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Ares said, his voice low and dangerous.
"My what?" gasped Tapert.
"Power. What did you think I was gonna show you? Now, show me
how much power you have. Let's duke it out, mano oh mano, I dare
you," said the confident dark stud.
********
Back at the space-time fan fiction continuum rip, Argo II noticed Xena. The mare trotted to the glowing hole and peered in at her owner. She spied Gabrielle and whinnied indignantly.
Gabrielle sighed. "Argo II hates me almost as much as Argo I did."
"No, she doesn't, Gabrielle," Xena assured the bard. The Warrior
Princess turned to the mare and smiled. "Hey, girl, I've missed you."
Suddenly there was a large cracking sound and what seemed like a
small explosion. Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen all whirled in the direction of the stage. As their backs were turned, an impatient Argo II stepped through the rip in Fifth-usia. She came up behind the Warrior Princess, nudging her hip and looking for treats.
The women's attention was distracted from the stage by the sight of
Argo on their side of the rip. Xena gasped, quickly checking the blonde mare over.
"She's fine," whispered Xena, chuckling and patting Argo. She looked to the bard excitedly. "This is definitely the way home, Gabrielle. We just have to step through."
Argo trotted over to Colleen and began nudging the co-ed.
"Tart," muttered Gabrielle to Argo. The mare looked back over her shoulder and snorted at the blonde.
Colleen giggled, patting Argo's broad forehead.
Back at the Battle of the Bands stage, Tapert and Ares continued their war of words.
"You better be nice to me or I'll...." began Tapert in a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation.
"You'll what?" purred Ares, the blue energy crackling through his hands.
"Or I'll...leave you mortal for another half a season...yeah, that's what I'll do!"
Ares flung his hand out, shooting a blue flame at the pregnant executive producer. It missed Tapert by an inch. The executive began to scream...loudly.
Meanwhile, Xena was giving the rip another look-over. She carefully
extended her hand past the rip.
"Xena, be careful!" cautioned Gabrielle.
She pulled her hand back. "Look, everything's fine," Xena assured a
relieved bard. "Gabrielle, we should get going," she said.
"Let's do it," smiled Gabrielle.
The Warrior Princess paused, a frown on her face.
"But what if it's just another world ruled by the Island Goddesses," she asked.
"It can't be any worse than being trapped here with Tapert and Ares," the bard noted. "Besides, we can come right back through if there's a problem."
It was Xena's turn to nod in agreement.
The bard and the warrior turned to Colleen to say their good-byes when another louder explosion startled the three women. This explosion was accompanied by a burst of blue light and a loud, piercing scream.
"Not now," groaned Xena.
Gabrielle sighed and gave the warrior a lop-sided, bittersweet grin.
"Someone's in trouble. Probably Tapert. We've got to help," the bard said. "The greater good and all. This rip will be here for awhile…I hope."
Xena clenched her jaw in agitation. She turned, patting Argo and pushing the mare back toward the opening. She shrugged to Gabrielle. "Just in case. No sense that she has to be trapped here with us."
Xena spoke to Argo. "Go on home, girl. We'll be there soon, I promise," she said softly.
Argo whinnied, but stepped through the rip and wandered back to the
tree, hunting for apples.
Xena turned to Gabrielle. "You know, you should…" began the warrior.
"Don't you dare even think about trying to send me back without you," growled the bard.
"OK, OK," said Xena.
The warrior took one last glance at their way home and then turned to
Gabrielle and Colleen. "Let's go." They headed toward the stage area
when the threesome heard a strange gurgling. They looked over their
shoulders to see the time space rip close.
"Looks like the Island Goddesses figured out what we were up to,"
smiled Xena wryly.
Another blue flash of light exploded, followed by another scream. The
dynamic duo and the brunette Survivor took off running for the stage.
Crashing through the underbrush, Xena called out to Gabrielle.
"You know, this greater good stuff is a pain. Next time we need to choose between the greater good and us...let's choose us," the warrior smiled.
Back at the stage, Ares had just finished throwing a particularly spectacular blue bolt of energy just for the Tartarus of it...because boys, even god-boys, love to play with their toys.
"I'm back!" he roared, flexing his fabulous biceps and howling to the
skies. He looked at Tapert. "And you're toast, you pathetic excuse for a god."
"I'm pregnant!" squealed Tapert, once again pointing to his stomach. But he knew that the ass-kicking he had managed to avoid so far had finally arrived.
"And I'm a villainous god…like you, apparently. So what do I care?"
grinned Ares who threw a flame of blue at Tapert. "Let's see who's the
real 'power that be.'"
The red-haired executive turned and ran for his life.
"Come on, you big baby, show me what you got!"
"I'm a producer, not a fighter," yelled Tapert over his shoulder as he
desperately tried to avoid the God of War's energy bolts.
"And another thing 'executive producer,'" continued Ares. "…no one…"
-ZAP- "...but NO ONE…" -ZAP- "...messes with Ares, God of War!"
The executive was zig-zagging across the meadow, leaping like a
pregnant gazelle.
"Where's my hero when I need her?" he cried desperately. Tapert looked ahead and began running for the safest place he could think of...the jungle undergrowth.
