on the map dead-ended into the side of a hill. He began to walk up to it
when he tripped over a small rock and fell head-first through the secret
entrance.
Rich and DemonRichSpawn watched from the jungle. Rich smiled at his
fiendish offspring. "Shhhhooowwwtime." The consultant and the baby
demon headed for the side of the hill after Tapert.
Back at the Island Goddesses’ inner sanctum, Xena and Gabrielle walked
through a long hall of rock and stalactites that led to a small opening. The
dynamic duo climbed through separately.
"Wow, kind of a small entrance. Someone could get stuck in there,"
whispered Xena.
The bard and the warrior now found themselves in a larger cave. The walls were adorned with flaming torches. The light from the torches bounced off thousands of bright, sparkling crystal formations in the room.
Gabrielle looked around. Crumpled paper lay everywhere. She picked one up and noticed there were words on the paper.
"Xena, the words don't look like Greek, but I can understand them,"
murmured Gabrielle.
"Must be some kinda magical translatin' parchment thingie," replied Xena, checking out the smaller cave.
The wads of paper were in piles and seemed to form a trail toward an
especially large group of nearly room-sized crystals.
Gabrielle read one of the papers. She cocked her head and then began
quickly picking up and reading the other pieces of crumpled paper.
"Xena, there are words describing some of the things that's happened to us since we arrived on the island…but it's just a little different. Like these were the words they decided not to use," whispered the bard excitedly.
The dynamic duo found themselves closer to the large formation of crystals and they could hear quiet, tapping noises. The bard and the Warrior Princess exchanged glances.
Gabrielle grinned. "In order to have fiction, someone has to write words. I wonder..."
The blonde bard stepped around the large group of crystal rocks and saw
two gorgeous and voluptuous women sitting with what appeared to be
machines in their laps. Their fingers were dancing along the top of the
machines making quick, tapping noises. Falling from the machines into
small, wicker baskets were dozens and dozens of papers. Every now and
again, one or the other of the women would sigh and mutter, grab a paper
as it fell, crumple it into a wad and throw it away from the baskets onto the floor.
The two beautiful women paused for a moment, as if sensing something.
They looked up, spying Gabrielle, and gasped in gorgeous unison.
"They're not on the south side of the island," exclaimed a woman with
dimples and brown eyes.
"Uhhh, pay no attention to those women," yelled the other woman in a deep voice. "I am the mighty and powerful Oz!" The women began typing again and suddenly, inexplicably, disappeared from sight.
But Gabrielle was onto the goddesses and she wasn't about to let go.
"godconnie! Mezzo! Show yourselves!" roared the mighty blonde.
There was no answer from the goddesses, but Gabrielle and Xena could still hear the strange, quick, tapping noises.
"Xena," whispered Gabrielle. "I'm going to try and draw them out. Be ready. We've got to move fast."
"I mean it!" the bard yelled. "Show yourselves! Right now or...or..." she
struggled for something to grab their attention. It was obvious that the love she and Xena shared was important to the goddesses. Gabrielle smiled. "Show yourselves or I'll go have sex with Joxer!"
Xena blanched in horror. "That's a bit drastic, don't you think?"
"Noooooooooo" screamed the two shocked yet stunning brunettes as they appeared before Xena and Gabrielle in a flash of rainbow colored streamers and confetti.
"Anything. Anything but that," pleaded Mezzo.
godconnie suddenly realized that in the horror of hearing Gabrielle’s threat of a gross sexual act, the Island Goddesses had left their computers behind.
"Mezzo, it's a trick to get us away from our computers!" exclaimed
godconnie. "We've got to get back and write our way out of this!"
Xena whipped her chakram out. "Can you write faster than I can fling this
round killing thing?"
Mezzo and godconnie looked at each other, remembering the chakram toss from Motherhood.
"You get us off of this godsforsaken island now and I might let you live,"
threatened Xena.
"Xena," began Gabrielle, hoping to avoid a physical confrontation with the goddesses.
"Can we have a moment?" asked the goddess of all things Connie.
Mezzo and godconnie stepped away from Xena and Gabrielle. Xena
brandished her chakram as a reminder in case they tried to get back to
their machines. The two conferred in hushed tones, glancing back to Xena and Gabrielle every now and again. The goddesses nodded to each other and turned to the bard and the Warrior Princess.
godconnie spoke first. "I'm sorry, we can't let you leave until everything's been put right."
"The Xena and Gabrielle relationship is more important than our own lives," added Mezzo.
"If we have but one life to give for our beloved show..." said godconnie.
"Then so be it," murmured Mezzo as both women sadly bowed their
beautiful heads, awaiting their fate.
Gabrielle looked at Xena and whispered, "Sensitive chat time."
Xena tightened her lips into a thin line, but she put her chakram away.
The bard stepped forward, touching Mezzo lightly on the arm. godconnie
barely caught her as Mezzo's legs buckled and threatened to collapse
beneath her.
"All right. It's obvious this is of incredible importance to you," sighed
Gabrielle.
"Not just to us. We're fighting for the greater good of hundreds of thousands of fans all over the world," said godconnie passionately.
"What do you want?" continued the bard, who appreciated the goddessess' struggle for the greater good. "Maybe we can work this out so you…and the fans…get what you all want, and we get to go home."
godconnie and Mezzo looked at each other.
"Well," said godconnie. "You two are soulmates. And you should be acting like soulmates."
"People believe in you and your love with all their hearts. That's been taken away and we want it back," added Mezzo.
Gabrielle nodded.
"And what about Tapert?" inquired the bard.
"Well, many moons ago, Tapert wrote and produced stories on television of your love. They were beautiful stories of love, right and wrong and
redemption…with some inconsistencies," sighed Mezzo.
"And then suddenly this last year he wrote and produced stories that ruined your love and were morally bankrupt," continued godconnie. "We're showing him the error of his ways."
"In the most painful way possible," added Mezzo.
"I understand," said Gabrielle. She turned to Mezzo and then godconnie,
looking each directly in the eyes. The Island Goddesses sighed, mesmerized.
"Xena and I had a long talk about what's happened to us lately. You have
our promise, godconnie and Mezzo, it won't happen again."
"What she said," noted the Warrior Princess, hoping she was going to get to kick some Island Goddess ass sometime soon.
Mezzo and godconnie looked at each other and then at their favorite, most cherished duo.
"Well?" said Xena.
"We heard that conversation. But we need something, some act, to convince us of your sincerity," said godconnie warily.
"Yessss?" asked the Warrior Princess.
"A hot and heavy, open-mouthed kiss between the two of you would be
sufficient," said Mezzo in a rush, wondering if she and godconnie would be able to get behind a rock before Xena started hurling the chakram.
"Is that all?!" exploded Xena. "We've been trying to do that for days! Every time we got close it was like someone was keeping us apart!"
"That's so easy!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
Xena threw her chakram on the floor and reached for the hooks on her
armor.
"A kiss!" squealed a blushing godconnie. "Not sex. What do you think we're writing here, an episode of Queer as Folk?!"
Xena halted her armor-stripping, but kept her eyes firmly, lustily,
passionately on the bard.
Mezzo threw her hands in the air. "Now look what you did. Thanks a lot,
gc."
Xena and Gabrielle ignored the goddesses' bickering as they approached
each other, blue eyes blazing into fiery green.
"How should we do this, Xena?" said a breathless Gabrielle, happy to have an intimate moment with her warrior. "Hard and fast, slow and passionate, sweet and tasty, long a...?"
"Hush yo mouf and kiss me," growled the Warrior Princess.
gc and Mezzo came to a bickering screeching halt to watch the long-awaited vision before them.
Gabrielle launched herself into Xena's arms. Jet black hair rained down over Gabrielle as Xena dug her fingers into beautifully thick, short, blonde hair. The bard's large, strong hands rubbed the warrior's neck moving up to frame her face as the two shared the hottest, heaviest, most open-mouthed kiss in the history of the entire universe.
Mezzo and godconnie burst into tears and applause.
"Absolutely fabulous, darlings," sniffled Mezzo.
"I guess we'll have to vote them off the island," sobbed godconnie.
"Island?" murmured Xena dreamily, enjoying her closeness to the bard.
"Oh. Island. Yeah."
Gabrielle noted Mezzo and godconnie looking at each other questioningly.
"What? What now?" said a dazed and perplexed bard. "We gave you the hot and heavy open-mouthed kiss. We want to go home now."
"Well, there was another part of our request," said Mezzo.
"There was?" said godconnie, Gabrielle and Xena together. Mezzo raised an eyebrow at her partner in crime.
"Oh. Yeah! There was," stammered godconnie.
"We were kind of hoping," Mezzo said shyly. "That we could get a kiss, too."
"It doesn't have to be too long or anything" said godconnie. Mezzo elbowed godconnie sharply in the side. "Ooof!"
"Sure, I can do that," smiled Xena.
"Ummm, not that I'd kick you out of bed for eating crackers or anything,"
said Mezzo to Xena. "Well, actually, I would…but we really want a kiss from Gabrielle."
Gabrielle crinkled her nose and raised her eyebrows at Xena.
"Anything for the cause," said the bard.
"I told you they didn't like me," muttered the warrior.
Gabrielle stepped up to godconnie, placing a brief yet exquisite kiss on her cheek.
The bard then stepped toward Mezzo as godconnie hit the floor in a swoon.
Gabrielle stood on her tiptoes to kiss Mezzo on her cheek. Mezzo began to wrap her arms around the bard when she heard a growl.
"Does the term 'redshirt' mean anything to you?" said the Warrior Princess with her trigger-happy finger on her chakram.
"Zoinks!" cried godconnie who clambered up off the floor. "Let's make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here!"
"Ruh-roh!" agreed a delirious Mezzo.
The two headed for their machines and began tapping furiously.
"Nothing's happening," said an irritated Xena.
"We're getting to it, we promise," said godconnie. "Mezzo, our timing has to be..."
"...Juuussttt right," finished Mezzo.
Suddenly Tapert ran into the cave brandishing the glowing lavender pen
above his head.
“Why does everyone keep coming into our inner sanctum from that way?” murmured godconnie to Mezzo, barely looking up from her laptop. “Why didn’t they use the shortcut? That way they wouldn’t have to sing and hop and...” godconnie blushed. “Stuff.”
“Aphrodite,” growled Xena. The Goddess of Love, wisely, refused to appear.
"Aha! I've got you now you fan fic VAMPS!!" he screeched, interrupting
Mezzo’s chance to reply…thank god...because she was tired of writing
explanations.
He stopped and looked around. He leaned over to Xena. "Are those the
Island Goddesses?"
"Yessss," replied Xena.
He ran over to goconnie and Mezzo, waving the pen in front of their faces. "Ha! Now you have no power!!"
Mezzo looked up irritably from her lap-top at Tapert. She licked her index
finger and thumb, reached out and snuffed the light from the pen and
returned to typing.
Tapert gasped in astonishment. He shook the pen, but the light was gone.
"No, no, no, no," cried the defeated executive. "They really are the power that be," he sobbed.
"What the?!" said Xena.
"Remember, we had to show Tapert the error of his ways," said Mezzo, not looking up from her furiously moving fingers.
"We had to bring him here because we've got to send you all back at the
same time or we won't be able to get you back at all," added godconnie.
The cave began shaking and rocks began to tumble.
"Who made up that rule?!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"The wizard," said godconnie.
"We're breaking up! We're breaking up!" yelled an alarmed Mezzo as more of the cave began to tumble down around them.
Tapert looked about him wildly and spied Xena.
"My hero," he whimpered, throwing himself into the warrior's arms. "Send me home, please, send me home. I've got a DemonRichSpawn for a child, no wife, no friends, no power! Everyone hates me…please, I just wanna go home!"
Xena pointed to Mezzo and godconnie. "Talk to them, Tapert, they're the
powers that be in this universe."
"You can only go home if you promise to take care of the mess you made of the past year of our lives," said Gabrielle to Tapert.
"Actually, 26 years…but let's just call it the Fifth Season," said godconnie
who continued tapping away at her lap-top.
"Season Five only had a few missed opportunities," whined Tapert. "And it was all the subtexters' faults anyway. They didn't make the ratings go up during the Fourth Season," he sniffled. "Besides, I have to think about the 2-12-year-old children out there watching the show."
An enormous stalactite crashed to the floor, narrowly missing a chance to impale Tapert.
Suddenly, Richard and the DemonRichSpawn burst into the room, getting
stuck in the cave doorway.
"You're mine, Tapert! You're going to have lots and lots of babies with me!" screamed the fearsome Rich.
The DemonRichSpawn cackled in glee. "Daddy, come home!"
Tapert's eyes bulged in fear. He threw himself down on his knees in front of godconnie and Mezzo. "OK! Anything! Just let me go home… Pleeeeaaazze!"
Rich and the DemonRichSpawn struggled to get through the cave door.
Suddenly an ominous trickling sound began, followed by more boulders
falling caused by the wriggling of the gruesome twosome.
"godconnie, will that do?" yelled Mezzo, as she was pitched back and forth by the earthquake, doing her best "Bridge of the Enterprise" impersonation.
godconnie nodded to Mezzo. "Let's do it." And the two gorgeous goddesses began typing even faster.
To Gabrielle and Xena's eyes, it seemed Tapert simply disappeared in a tiny blip of light.
