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The
Book of Weasels
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Which
Regardeth Interpretation
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11:1 |
As FishGod did begin to think of leaving his Apostates, he did have to get down to business. And so he did say unto them, "Hear my words, for they shall save thee from the snares of televangelism in years to come," and the Apostates did listen up. |
| 11:2 |
"When I am not among the to open a can of righteous whoop-ass upon the unholy, heretics shall try to warp mine words, saying that the Laws of H are only suggestions, or that fishes are metaphors, which is complete crap. |
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11:3 |
"When such hypocritical punks do try to confuse thee, remember these words. Behold, fish are fish. They art not nirvana, nor are they Tipheret, nor are they the collective unconscious. Verily, they art fish, which is a difficult concept if thou art a theology geek. |
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11:4 |
"And behold, the Sphere of Glory is not heaven. It is not Hod, and sure as hell is not sex. It is the Sphere of Glory. And again I say unto thee, it is spherical (literally) and is made of glory (literally). And this is not a metaphor, damn it. |
| 11:5 | "I charge thee, deceive thineselves not, trying to contort thineselves out of my holy law which is very reasonable. And do not give money to anyone who shouteth at thee or doth stoop to weeping on television, which is a sign of wimpiness and repressed homosexuality. |
| 11:6 | "Thou shalt read the scripture in a shallow fashion, for it is written in a spirit of shallowness. And thou shalt harass as loonies those who try to interpret the word numerologically, for that is the oldest trick in the book. 'Oh look,' they shalt say, "the Apes of Justice are really the archangels! That means I can kill Jews!' |
| 11:7 | "Behold it is always the Jews, for every man is envious of those great beards. |
| 11:8 | "Let not power freaks make new laws, for behold, they are only trying to ruin thine fun because they are not having any. |
| 11:9 | "Argue not about the meaning of the word if thou art going to be all picky. For this doth irritate bystanders and getteth dull fast. And if a thing be dull, FishGod is not in it. For he hath a short attention span, and doth not suffer bores to waste his holy time. |
| 11:10 | "Mostly I shalt bless thee in whatsoever thou doest. But sometimes I shall not, and thou shalt not have a cow when this doth happen. Nor shalt thou make excuses as I were thine rebel boyfriend and were meeting thine parents. |
| 11:11 | "Behold, FishGodism is not polytheism, nor is it monotheism. We do worship FishGod who is fish, which thou knowest if thou didst read the beginning of the book. Thou shalt not pick apart FishGodism for verily, it doth not make a lot of sense up close, much like grammar. |
| 11:12 | "Whine not in thine prayers and torture thineself not with needless rules, lest thou go crazy and live in a cabin in Montana constructing firearms and eating squirrel meat. |
| 11:13 | "Fight thou holy wars if thou must, for it is a hard habit to break, but thou shalt not drag me into it. Rather thou shalt admit it is for fun or money, which are worthy ends and are nothing to be ashamed of. |
| 11:14 | "And if thou doest as I have instructed, the scripture lawyers shall flee from thee as if thou wert on fire, which thou shalt be if thou doest ignore mine words. Just kidding" |
| 11:15 | But the Apostates were not so sure, and did write it all down. |
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