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The
Book of Blessing
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8:1 |
In the days when his fame had waxed great, FishGod did travel to the city's school, where he did perceive that it was little skirt day. |
| 8:2 |
(Which ought to be a holiday.) |
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8:3 |
And he was greatly blessed by this in his soul. |
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8:4 |
FishGod said, "The blessing which I have received here today deserveth reciprocation, and so I shall pour out my blessing upon this place. |
| 8:5 | "Watch, Apostates, for I charge thee to bless in this manner that which blesseth thee, and mine favor upon it shall be sweeter than the original Coca-Cola, which did contain so much sugar that it was probably more potent than the cocaine, which is an interesting fact." |
| 8:6 | And FishGod did begin the blessing, saying "Oh blessed be this place and all of thee who art its people! May thou be blessed with great disposable incomes and honest accountants! |
| 8:7 | "And may thou have numerous inauspicious meetings with celebrities, which thou mayest tell thine friends with pride! |
| 8:8 | "And may this injuries be numerous so that thou mayest brag about them, but not too serious so that thou doest not have to spend time in doctors offices, which are cold and uncomfortable. |
| 8:9 | "May thine pets live long lives and not grow decrepit and sad. May thine hacky-sack skills be increased so that thou doest no longer suck, but art greatly skilled and doest draw a crowd and impress hacky-sack chicks (who art easy, as a rule). |
| 8:10 | "May thine jokes be funny and not get courtesy laughs, which verily, art worse than silence. May thine creepy obsessions become funny quirks, may thine depression become sexy brooding, and may those of thee who art freaks be characters instead. |
| 8:11 | "May the fundamentalists grow open-minded, but let them retain their fervor, that they may provide comic relief and keep debates from getting all lovey. |
| 8:12 | "And to the young women I say: Hi. May thou take comfort when thou art spoken ill of and disrespected in rap music (which, yea, is mostly crap), for thou knowest that those who disrespect thee want thee badly but cannot have thee, which frustrateth them to no end. |
| 8:13 | "No matter how many times they say 'bitch'. |
| 8:14 | "May thou find a hot foreign exchange student and be the first to be nice to her (or him) so that thou might make thine friends jealous and possibly get some sweet imported lovin'. |
| 8:15 | "May thine job continually have those days when thou mayest slack off and it will not harm thee in any way, and is greatly relaxing. |
| 8:16 | "Let not the gossip about thee be good or bad, but suggestive and intriguing. Let thine conscience leave thee alone if it is not going to stop thee anyway. Let thine celebrity impressions be good, and if they are not, may thou know it and cease to use them." |
| 8:17 | And FishGod did say, "Thou shalt bless in this manner, but bless thee sparingly." And the Apostates did obey. |
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