(310503 - Saturday)
She arrived early this morning. And where am I? A hundred km away in the next state. Arghhh!

This is the first Forum I went to and not get to eat at the Banquet Dinner. I'm a paying delegate for crying out loud. Why don't I get a seat? That's the main event, why does the committee have to be so Goddamn stingy about paying for one more table? Even the committee needs to eat you know.

The footloose which followed shortly after the banquet was a big hit among some. Others, like me just walked off to attend to the phone. Almost an hour later I returned to find a whole lot of people slow dancing with someone of the opposite gender. I was feeling kind of left out, which is not usually the case. Calling Her up didn't help the situation. She said somethings which actually made me feel a bit worse. I got off the phone and went back in when two pretty young ladies (1 of which I know a little) asked me to dance. Before I could say anything, the phone rang again. I walked out to take the call. It was from Her. She wanted to check and make sure that I was alright. By the time I got back into the hall, the slow dance session was over.

She has impeccable timing I tell you! Actually, anything and everything between us revolves around timing. Up to now, timing has been simply perfect. Well, at least that's how I see it. If things are this good right now, timing has got to be great!

(300503 - Friday)
The day started early. I packed 3 days worth of clothes and other necessary stuff within 20 minutes. It doesn't get any better than that. Best part of all, I didn't leave anything behind.

Most of the day was spent at Terminal One (Seremban Bus Station). I decided to keep Robert company with his duties since he was kind enough to give me a lift to the next state. It was a slow day at the bus station as we waited for Leos to arrive, and sent them off to the hotel by specially chartered taxis. I managed an entire chapter of Financial Accounting in that smokey environment. Bus exhaust fumes aren't good for you, that I can guarantee!

The evening wasn't too exciting either. Tropical Extravaganza for a theme had me wearing my good old bright orange hawaian shirt. That, with my yellow jersey shorts wound me on stage once again. Exactly four years ago, I ended up on stage for an impromptu contest as well. At least then I won! Hahaha.

I was invited on stage twice during the award presentation ceremony. Once was to collect an award on behalf of KL Unity for Outstanding Community Service Project. The second time was for an appreciation certificate for helping out at the Youth Retreat.

My new car arrived today. WKW 5975. Mica coloured Proton Wira 1.5GLi. Unfortunately, I wasn't around to see it.

(290503 - Thursday)
Sometimes I have to keep asking myself why I give my heart away so easily. For so many years, it has brought me nothing but pain and suffering. Yet I do it again and again. I know for a fact that I definitely do not enjoy going through all this nonsense. Yet I keep letting down my defenses. I just hope that this time, the other party isn't too harsh on me. Sighhhh...

(280503 - Wednesday)
Less than two weeks to my finals, and yet productivity is still so low. I really don't know how to handle my time anymore. I spent 6 hours out of the office so that I could focus on my work, but still that doesn't help. I think come next Monday, I'll only go into office twice in the week. And on the week of my finals. I resolve to only go in to office after my last paper on Friday. Yes, that is a good resolution. Studies first.

I paid a short visit to hell this evening. My sweetheart 5000km away was having some personal problems, and it was definitely tough on my part. I learnt today that not every troubled soul needs comforting. Some just need others to understand. Well, as much as I hate myself for not being able to offer her my shoulder to cry on, I think these little unfortunate situations can bring us closer together. I would go to hell and back over and over again for her. Shit happens to all of us. I just hope to be able to do more the next time she needs me.

(270503 - Tuesday)
I've pretty much decided that I don't want to ponder anymore about my flight schedule. Its obvious enough that I won't be able to make the perfect arrangements. At least not anymore. After doing considerable amounts of research, I found that I might as well just pay the extra RM600 and travel with MAS. It is still a little rush, but it's my best bet for a hopefully enjoyable fortnight in Melbourne.

Two weeks ago, the plan was to stick with my RM2500 vacation budget. If in the event I couldn't arrange to live out the vacation within that budget, I would either shorten it, or not go altogether. However, now even with a busted budget, it seems that backing out is the last thing I want to do. On top of that, I'm also tied to a minimum stay of 14 days - if more ok, but not less. I will just have to figure some way to cover the extra costs incurred.

Note to self: Next time someone tries to put you in suspense, don't go asking for hints. It only makes things worse.

(260503 - Monday)
I'm proud to say that I've finally started revision. Not very much, but at least I've started. I will try to do more tomorrow. And more again the day after. I hope it works out in the end.

I'm so in love again. Such a wonderful feeling. Such a spectacular view. Such an amazing young lady. If we were destined to not go beyond what we already have, I'd still be happy. Not just content, but happy! As long as I have what I already have now, I'll continue to be happy. And no one can tell me otherwise!

(250503 - Sunday)
I know I haven't made and updates on the new car. About 10 days ago, the buyer for the old Daihatsu Charade backed out. I guess we just took the RM13,000 offer for granted. So the Wira Aeroback is off the list too. Today, we just put down RM500 as booking fee for a Proton Wira 1.5 sedan. The new car is due to arrive before we kick off the next month. I can't wait.

Everyone dreams of that fairy tale love story. I'm living it! The feeling is indescribably amazing. And my pride is through the roof. Now aren't you jealous?!

(240503 - Saturday)
It has been a very long evening. A simple barbeque it definitely was not. I certainly did not expect to be voicing my visions and aspirirations for KL Unity so soon. I certainly did not expect so much attention in one night. All because I'm the next president, and trying to get a flame burning within the rest of them.

If only the follower shared the same vision as the leader - and that's exactly my duty. What I have to do is get the rest to share my vision and aspirations. I'm about to lead a club with so much more potential than anyone could imagine. The heat is on, and I say - "Bring It On!"

I miss you!

(230503 - Friday)
So did anyone doubt my ability in completing my assignment before the 5.30pm deadline? I actually didn't start until I woke up this morning... slightly before 8am. The assignment was completed shortly past 11am, with a couple of breaks in between mainly because I was having a hard time concentrating. I admit that the assignment isn't as comprehensive as it could have been, but bottom line is that it is done and over with.

The smallest actions of one person just put me up on Cloud 9. I'll admit that I've been up here a lot, but the view is always different. This time, it's so much more spectacular. This time, it means so much more to me. This time, I'm actually scared!

This isn't the first time this person has put me up here. It is in fact the third time. The first time she did it, I fell. And I hurt myself pretty bad. That is why I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid to fall again. I'm afraid to be so badly hurt, again. The second time, I was so afraid that I climbed back down just to make sure that I was safe. But this time, after some thought, I've decided that I want to remain up here, as long as she's with me. I can deal with the fear as long as I get to be with her. It is indeed worth it!

(220503 - Thursday)
It takes Pos Malaysia up to 18 days to send a simple letter over to Melbourne. However, it takes them only 3 days to get a small parcel across. Malaysian systems can be quite screwy at times. Nonetheless, kudos to them for carrying out the service efficiently when it mattered most to me.

For the record, the parcel included a handmade card, 36 Hershey's Kisses of various flavours, 2 containers of Smints (blue), a CD containing a homemade 7-minute movie and a letter attached to a softtoy from a third party. All the items were squeezed into my Nokia 8310 packaging because that was the only box I had which I was confident would stand the wear and tear of the journey. The box was wrapped in two layers of brown paper, with RM21.90 worth of stamps attached outside. Oh, there was lots of bubble wrap too.

I am 18 hours away from my assignment deadline. I've only completed research on the first of two questions. I still have to write a 1500-word essay before I complete this question. Then only I can move on to the next. Dejavu I tell you. Last minute work is always the case when it comes to assignments and studies. Anybody want to make a small wager on whether or not I'll complete it in time?!

My heart is getting the better of me again. And now, after such a long time, I'm actually getting scared. Scared to love. Although I want to, I still hold back. But why? What do I fear? What do I have to lose? What if I lose her? She's everything to me. So if I lose her, I lose everything! I need sanctuary, just for tonight. Just long enough to get the assignment over with.

Alright... whether I like it or not - back to work!

(210503 - Wednesday)
Three weeks to go til my finals, and yet I haven't started revision. Instead, I'm still struggling with my last assignment. Has any of my wonderful readers done a paper on Materiality and also FRS12? If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you obviously can't help me. But if you do, please get in touch with me immediately. I need to get this out of the way so that I can move on!

Well, other than that, I'm a happy person. Keeping in touch with a loved one is a nice thing to do. Called her in the morning before I woke up. Called her again when I got into the office. Met her online shortly after that. Met her online again around lunch time. Received an SMS from her in the evening, and a call from her at night. It has been a wonderful day indeed.

I also realized today that in one year, 16 May 2002 to 15 May 2003, I watched a grand total of 27 movies at the cinemas. That averages to one movie every 13.5 days. Try and beat that!

What do you know... I have snakes in the house. No joke... my dad just clobbered a 2 feet long snake with his old driver (golf club). The darn thing was sitting on the kitchen floor cloth. This one has got to be a baby, judging by its length. I'm beginning to wonder if the mother and father are around. Hmm... anyone know a zookeeper?

(200503 - Tuesday)
We're already two thirds into the fifth month of the fourth year of the first decade of the first century of the third millennium. Feel free to correct me on that if I'm wrong! I'm just bored.

A whole lot of relationships between some of my friends seem to be falling apart lately. I wonder what's wrong with the world. So little love left. Is the world going to stop spinning soon? It is love that makes the world go round isn't it? I'm just bored.

The syllabi of my subjects are coming to an end... yadda yadda yadda... I'm just bored.

With so much boredom, how does anyone survive? Well, at least I have tomorrow to look forward to. Actually, other than an early phone call appointment, I don't expect much to happen. Oh well, at least I can look forward to another sunrise. Did you know that the probability of the sun rising tomorrow is 99.99999451%? The statistician who came to this conclusion must have been as bored as I am.

(190503 - Monday)
Postage to Melbourne for a parcel weighing slightly under 500gms isn't as high as I expected it to be. Pos Malaysia website needs to update its information. So deceiving. I could have dumped so much more in the box, if not for my worries about weight. Well, I just hope it doesn't take forever and a day for it to arrive.

Here's another stupid thing about this country I live in. Our tertiary education system may be one of the tougher ones around, but it sure as hell doesn't make any sense. The problem with the system here is that you can apply with choices you prefer, but which university you get to study at, and what course you take, is assigned to you rather than your choice. For instance, someone who applied for medicine is sent to East Malaysia to do Economics - totally irrelevant. Another friend who applied for education and Bach. of science is also sent to another part of East Malaysia to do Forestry - also irrelevant. Now you know why I have no faith in local universities. What's the point of having your future determined by pricks?! If you're fortunate to be studying at a foreign university, count your blessings.

(180503 - Sunday)
I received a call at 6.05am today. I was of course busy tossing and turning in bed. The call came in and my brains barely had time to get its generators started. The humming, buzzing, beeping, ringing, and whatever other noises the phone made, just didn't quite register in my brain. The only thing on my mind was to shut it up. I fumbled a bit before realizing that it was my phone. How ironic that the first contact my fingers made with the phone was the 'reject call' button.

I then looked for the 'missed calls' menu to see who it was. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out that I canceled the call instead. It wasn't a familiar number. Yet the only person on my mind who would call me at such an hour is in Melbourne. Sure enough, 30 seconds later that very person rang again. Thank God!

Looking for company to kill boredom at 8.00 on a Sunday morning is weird enough. But to call someone who's local time is 6.00 on a Sunday morning is outrageous. But I'm not complaining. Calls from a select few will be answered without fret anytime of the day; any day of the week; any week of the month; any month of the year. And of course, she is one of the select few. Calls like these brighten up my day before it even starts.

After a nice half an hour chat, the conversation ended. I attempted to go back to sleep, but the birds in my neighbourhood started their own orchestra, with the volume set to 'extreme'. I decided to come down for breakfast since I was bloody hungry. Alas, there was no food for my unfortunate tummy. I gave up and went back to sleep.

An hour and a half later, my phone did its thing again. Only an SMS this time from the same gorgeous young lady. This time she wanted my company online. And so, again I scraped myself out of bed and to the computer. Still no complaints. this is the only time I've ever been woken up by the same person twice in the same Sunday morning, and actually enjoy it!

While online, I was notified that viewers of this blog cannot access the links to "Articles" in the top right hand corner. It just occurred to me that those links have been inactive for the past 10 months or so. My humble apologies to all who have tried day after day to have a look see. I've already amended 4 of the 5 links. The fifth article, "Merv's Paradise", has not been created yet. Will get it done and notify you guys as soon as I can.

Time flies - My project is near completion 5 days after it first began. It's a simple thing, but it sure wasn't easy. Nonetheless, it will be done and ready for submission by noon tomorrow. At least now I can move on to more pressing matters, like my revision.

(170503 - Saturday)
I haven't slept so much in such a long time. Today, I slept so much that I still feel like sleeping. So lethargic. So not willing to move. So not willing to think. Yet my heart still keeps bugging me to get out of the house and do something exciting. I decided not to go with my heart for a change.

For those of you who've always wanted to know where I am during office hours, here's a nice blurry picture of the cubicle where I carry out my blurry job functions.

(160503 - Friday)
It's been a very long day. All I have to say is that I'm way too sleepy to blog. Nothing much happened anyway, except for the fact that I'm so stuck. I lack the resources and skills to complete my personal project. Shitterz!

(150503 - Thursday)
Yawn... Amazingly, I woke up before 10am this morning. My little personal project has come to a short pause. I managed to achieve a little bit more today. And I have to finish up tonight. The camera has to be returned tomorrow. I wonder if an extension is possible. There's still so much more I want to put in.

My two days break has come to an end. And what have I accomplished? Well, the original plan to start work on my revision took a slight set back due to this personal project of mine. I think the soonest I can get started would be Monday. Over and over again, I just have to push my luck. Screw me!

(140503 - Wednesday)
Whoa... look at the time! It's 4.20am on Thursday morning already. It's been such a long time since I last had the energy and the motivation to stay up till this hour. Doing what you ask? I hate such dumbass questions... and thus, my dumbass answer would be masturbating!

Actually, I finally collected enough photos to create a custom desktop. I've got 10 photos compiled into one nice big jpeg. There are 8 different individuals all together. However, there are still 2 people whose pictures I lack - Huey Lim & Samantha. My desktop is far from complete without their faces. You can have a sneak preview here if you want.

(130503 - Tuesday)
It has been a pretty shitty day. Two of the people who mean the most to me have contributed to this.

The first was a mild case of rejection. Wrong impressions caused the relationship to take a sudden twist. I wouldn't say that the outcome was bad, but it is not as I had hoped.

The second blow came not too long later. The girl I have loved for the longest time (now a gorgeous young lady) just wasn't in 'the best of moods'. Nothing I said or did could change that. Every topic I brought up for conversation was killed instantaneously. And so naturally, my already not-so-good day worsened. The worst thing in life is to see someone you love go through some rough times, but you just can't be there for them, and nothing you say or do helps.

I now have a Sony Digital Handycam in my possession. It is on loan to me for the next 2 and a half days. With my imagination, I can do wonders with it. But that's provided I can figure out how to use it. What can I say, I'm no genius. Another thing, I don't know which is harder - talking into a camera while someone is holding it, or talking into a camera that's just sitting there. Maybe the hard part is just talking into the camera, regardless of what's holding it there. Sheesh! More practice... yes... more practice, tomorrow!

(120503 - Monday)
Donated blood for the 7th time in my life. Save a life? Yeah right. That's no where close to my intentions. Hell, I have no intentions. But hey, if it does me no harm, then why not?!

Today's blood-spilling session took place at the nursing school which is a part of the building I study in. And of course, at a nursing school, you're bound to find lots and lots of student nurses. The best part about donating blood at such a place is that there are so many nurses around, they can afford to assign one to you alone for the entire duration of your visit. You get to be somewhat pampared while you give away your life-force. Even though it sounds kind of twisted, it's just so cool!

Everytime I let my emotions run wild, they turn on me. I now remember why I was so cautious when allowing my feelings get the better of me. I now remember why I stopped flirting for such a long time. I now know the troubles of a young man's heart, once again. The pleasures and sorrows of love come hand in hand. It's all about balance I tell you!

(110503 - Sunday)
That's two days in a row I've let a very special someone down. Both times, she looked me up for company. And both times, I just wasn't capable of being there for her. All my alternatives weren't good enough for her, and I was fresh out of ideas. I did what I could, but somehow it still didn't feel like it was enough. Alas, the disappointment of not being able to be there for her is unbearable.

(100503 - Saturday)
Much to my surprise, KL Unity's desire to head the Leo Forum in 2004 came to an end today. The end of this desire, is not due to obstacles we're facing, but rather a choice we chose to make. The "Bring it on" and "Die die must do" policies have to be ignored this round if we want to live up to our fullest potential, in the Leo Forum of 2005!

I'm addicted, to something so fine, so pure, and so sweet. I lay in bed with my eyes close at night. But before I sleep, the slightest smile is clearly visible across my face, simply because of this addiction. This is not love. It is an addiction. A good one.

(090503 - Friday)
The issue on my first love has been settled. She now knows how I felt back then, she now knows how I feel now, and now she knows how I'd probably feel in the future. Whether we have a chance to make it happen is a whole different issue.

It's amazing how fast we all grow up. Back then, discussing such things openly was the last possible thing to happen. But look where we are now! All grown up.

(080503 - Thursday)
If my life were to end now, I'll leave knowing that there's nothing that weighs my heart down. Everything that needs to be said has been said. Everything that absolutely needs to be done, has been done. My soul is weightless as this moment. So dying isn't something I fear. What I worry about is living, and with that, events will take place, and begin to burden my soul once again. Then I'll fear death; I'll fear dying without 'settling' things. That's my greatest fear.

Too much to think about. Mainly about my feelings for a certain someone, and what the future has in store for us. Will blog further at a later time.

(070503 - Wednesday)
The lecturer did decide to get creative with the exam questions. And as suspected, I won't be able to pass. I think I answered slightly over half the requirements only. And of that, I'll probably only get 75% correct, thus leaving me with a grand total of no more than 45%. That's equivelant to a fail, in case you didn't know. Fortunately, this only carries 10% of the subject's assessment.

Amazingly, it's been 5 years since I first fell in love. The fact that it hit me is a sure sign that I'm still not completely over it. It never worked out in the beginning. And it took forever to get over it. Then out of nowhere, I fell for that same person all over again. This time I gave up trying to get over it. I accepted the fact that I can love her, and not desire her.

As for now, many years after it all began, I still love her. And today, I told her. So now she knows, and I know that she knows. Surprisingly enough, she told me that she sometimes wondered if I'd ever be interested in her again. Boy, even I would love to know the answer to that.

Although I still had more to tell her, time didn't permit it. And so, still no closure.

If someone chooses to do something, and even though you've tried over and over to discourage the person from doing it, then let go. By trying to discourage the person, it shows that you care for him/her. If you care enough, and they're still stubborn, accept and support their decision. If you expect things to be rough, then so be it. If you really cared, you wouldn't be another obstacle in their path, but rather help him/her paddle the boat safely through the currents.

If you've made it onto a special list of mine, then you can rest assured that I'll paddle with you right through till the very end. If you're not fortunate enough to be on that list, then I promise that I'll do my best to not be another obstacle. Question is - Are you on my list?

(060503 - Tuesday)
12 hours left. Yes - I've started. And I somehow feel comfortable enough to stop. I'm ready enough to not fail the paper. But definitely not enough to get a perfect score or anything near there. I mean, I've grasped the basics, that's for sure. But if the lecturer decides to get creative and all, I can kiss the pass goodbye.

Ever found yourself in a completely hopeless situation? When things are as though it couldn't possibly get any worse. When you're options are limited, and no matter which you choose, it still just makes things worse. Well, first ask yourself this, is correcting the situation worth the trouble? How badly do you want things to be 'better'?

I think if you don't want to give up, then no matter how dark the sky gets, the sun will still rise. Be strong, and have faith. Put some effort into it and hope for the best. If you want it bad enough, things will work out just fine.

When I first got the idea of flying to Melbourne to see the people who are dearest to me, the exchange rate was 2.29. Then I waited a little and it hiked a little - 2.31. Then I waited a bit more, and it hiked a bit more. Now it stands at 2.40. This is depressing!

A little something happened today. An event that is good, and not so good at the same time. Not so good because, I, being the ambitious type, really looked forward to being the Organizing Chairman of the largest function in the Leo Program within our District. I wanted to show everyone how much potential an event of that size has. I wanted to prove my club's worth... again. I had my sights set so far, yet it was within reach. (Notice all the past tense?)

Without thought, I gave it all up by offering the position to the Incoming Vice President. I believe she has just as much potential as I do, if not more. If not for furthering her studies, she would be President for the 03/04 term (my term), and I after that. Anyway, back to the issue at hand - I think by passing this on to Paige, I'll won't be so tied up with so many things. Furthermore, I work in a HR Dept. I strongly believe in developing human resource. I already know I'm good enough, so the right thing to do is give others the opportunity. It is up to them to make the most of it.

My brother's wise words - "The dogs are clean... in their natural sort of way."

(050503 - Monday)
Oh my, 36 hours left, and still I haven't started work. I think it will have to be 2 sleepness nights in a row. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Been into a baby store lately? Where everything in there is somehow related to the world of babies, infants, or rug rats. I was standing in one today. I'll tell you this, if I can get all caught up in 'wedding' moods, 'baby' moods aren't any less contagious. Looking at all the cute little outfits, their shoes, the cot, the nappies and diapers, bottles, toys, and everything else, you just can't help day dreaming. I look forward to having a child of my own, gender not a factor. But of course, I'm in no hurry.

It was another night out with the 'Lou Yehs" of KL Unity. 4 of the 6 Past Presidents were present. The current President was there. And of course, the next President, myself, was also there. Out of the other 3 people present, 2 of them were Leos, and Past Presidents of their individual clubs. And the third, well, she's not related to the Leos. So basically, everyone at the table who are related to the Leo Program, will be, are, or once was, a Leo President. How rare!

(040503 - Sunday)
I have about 60 hours left till my Quantitative Analysis mid-term test. This one will cover 'Probability Distritbution', 'Estimation', and 'Hypothesis Testing', and it carries 10% weightage in my overall grade. The shitty part is that I have not lifted a finger to do all the catching up that needs to be done. Fortunately, 2 of the 3 topics were covered in last year's Business Statistics. But then again, I didn't do very well in that either.

Too much is happening to me lately. Have you realized the number of events I'm counting down to? The nearest one would be Samantha's Birthday. She's also in Melbourne, but I'm going to go all out again. There's also the Leo Forum in Seremban at the end of the month. There's preparation to bid to host next year's Leo Forum. There's my semester finals in the middle of June. There's my 21st Birthday which I might end up not celebrating. There's that oh-so-important function where I get installed as President of my club. There's also a trip to Melbourne I oh-so-look-forward-to in July. Busy indeed!

(030503 - Saturday)
What a long day! I left my house at 10am, and arrived home at 12am. Two hours? Think again. Wearing the same pair of shoes, without socks, without taking them off for the entire 14 hours, now that's discomfort! It's times like these I'm glad I chose to buy a pair of shoes with good circulation. Kudos to Adidas for creating my Lampreys.

Today's General Meeting brought a very pleasant surprise. 7 new faces at the meeting. For a moment there I thought that I'd have more guests than members present. Fortunately that wasn't the case.

(020503 - Friday)
3 hours sleep, woke up at 8am, completed the balance of the 3,000 word assignment, then straight off to work. I should avoid days like these.

It seems all my rantings here have taken its toll. People are beginning to think that I'm really stressed out and everything's not going my way. Some clarification is due. Quite frankly, my life is getting along just fine. I blog mostly about the shit that happens, merely because it's on my mind. The best way to clear my head and let go of such negative thoughts, is of course to let it out. Have you blogged lately? If you're a blogger too, you'll understand.

Nonetheless, thank you for your concern. You're loved because of it! Hell, you've always been loved!

(010503 - Thursday)
A 3,000 word essay due in less than 20 hours. And I'm still within the first 100 words. Frankly, I don't know how in the world the lecturer expects us to stretch the essay to that length when there's seriously nothing to write about. It's going to be a long night.