elricwanko

I arrive at the site. I have prepared myself mentally as best I can for the onslaught of utter crap I am about to sift through. I take a deep breath as the page slowly loads before my eyes...
The page opens. Two daunting pentagrams greet me, flanking a page title: "Welcome to Elric's Gothic Domain" I start selecting the darkened text to enable myself to read it. Suddenly a banner comes to life! "Trust me not" Hey! No problem, is my first thought. It changes "Nor take me into thy heart" Hmmm... I really don't think I was going to anyway! It changes once again: "A plague I am" No Elric, you're a wanker! Which, on second thought, is like being a plague in it's own right. Ok Elric, you can be a plague if you must! Also, the border he has used is so goth it makes me feel a little inferior. Never mind, I must go on.
I carry on down the page as Elric tries to justify his existance (I love this! -Gutter), and I get to the "About me" link! Let's see what makes this wanker tick! I should know better, but for the sake of the review, I'll enter it.
And once again I am forced to highlight all the text just to enable me to read it! Does our wanker use night vision goggles to write this crap? Or is he just aware that it's probably not worth reading anyway, and has tried to just disguise it as dirt on his nice clean black gothic background!
Mostly it's just rubbish about how goth he is (isn't it always? -Gutter). Basically, am "I love Elric" page. I see a few links. This could be interesting! A few are about his friends and places he has worked. Like I care. I'll just have a look at the "Music" and "Jokes" links, then I'll carry on back to his main page to follow up an his "Goth Link".
I enter the jokes section first, and I am left staring speechless at a whole page of Computer programming jokes and some rather nauseating jokes about UNIX. Time to leave! Now!
Let's look at what kind of music our wanker listens to! I enter. "well this page is dedicated to bands and people who have influenced my musicle taste" (like Satan? -Gutter). It seems we have a talented wanker on our hands! He plays the guitar! The most goth of all instuments! Next we are greeted by a table listing all the bands who have influenced him. I am appalled at the blasphemy of it! He list his influences as: Enya (oh yes, the goth queen!), Tool (no comment)(I like Tool -Gutter), Marilyn Manson (I, like you, was waiting for that)(Oh, for fucks sakes... -Gutter) Roxette (Sorry, too goth for me!), The Beatles (Elric, if they were goth they would have called themselves the scarabs or something. Wanker), Queen (Let's just carry on through and not touch anything...) Rolling Stones (No, Elric, please, no!) And last but not least, the ultimate goth group - Creedance Clearwater Revival ( you earn extra non-wanking points if you don't even know who this band is) Now what really turns my stomach is the fact that the same table as all these wanking groups and more list Joydivision and a few other greats !(Ian Curtis smites you, bitch! -Gutter) I can't take this anymore. Back to the main page!
I now cautiously venturee into his goth page! I am greeted with a whole lot of tripe as Elric explains everything we need to know about goth, including how to become one! He has links which he thinks is great, and that I think are wanking! He explains what goth means to him and other sickening ramblings. A fewbooks have beenlisted as recommended reading by our wanker! I'm not even going to bother with those! The goth page ends with the cryptic and gothic message (gasp)
            I can live in oyur minds eye,
            Live in your heart,
           And love you in your dreams, (nightmares -Gutter)
           But please don't try to hold me in your arms. (wouldn't think of it, too unsanitary -Gutter)
I think the prfoun gothness of that is going to caus eme some sleepless nights for a while to come.
In closing I noticed on his main page that he has links to his local club scene and his local fetish scene,neither of whick are even links, and indicate that our wanker has a less than adequet social life. But have a look at his "goth boi of the year" finalist pictures, and you won't have a hard time wondering why! Maybe he should stopgiving goth a bad name and start huis own subculture called "mouth breathers" or something similar.