queenwank

Wow, what a shitty movie. I can't believe I spent $10.25 cents on this piece of shite. I mean, I knew it was going to be bad...but this turned out to be complete garbage,unless you appriciate the comedic value. Because, where else can you go and watch Goth Wankers in their natural habitat? If you can handle the little twinkies looking you over and drooling, take the time to note the moviegoers stylish vampire capes that their mother's made them for Hallowe'en when they were 13. Beautiful.

Okay, I admit: Stuart Townsend is one hot piece of ass. But that is in no way a substitute for talent. I tell ya, this guy is a comedian. Never in my life have I laughed at so many inappropiate times as at this dude in the film. I mean, look at the freakin' sheer shirt on the guy. Tres sexy, mais oui? I especially enjoy his meaningful lines like "come out, come out where ever you are..." and other clever clever statements. Or when he was crawling upside down on the ceiling and his hair didn't "fall down". What I really loved was Jonathan Davis's (of Korn) voice coming out of his mouth while singing. Pure unbridled comedic genious. The song lyrics especially: "Why can't you die? Your blood and mine". Can you believe that Jonny-boy wrote those amazing lines? One would think that this was indeed a goth wanker satire. And then... yes Stu, you get me with your sexy poses. Especially the ones where your shirtless and looking like a flamboyantly gay cabana boy. At least you"re not Tom Cruise. But it get's worse...

Now this my friends, is Armand the vampire. I, like many of you, was under the impression that these vampire dudes where supposed to be attractive. Instead, we have an Armand looking like a drowned Lemer on crack. Lovely. It looks like he washes his hair in mustard. I would comment on the acting, but since this tool didn't even have any lines, we're all spared. I will comment that he too fell victim to the open shirt gay cabana boy look as well in the film, only it was much funnier because this bloke is so ugly. I was thinking "Yo Akasha, kill that sucka! Go, Aliyah go!" but alas, this little bastard survived. Oh well, at least they killed...

This chick. I think it's Pandora, I could be wrong. She thankfully had no lines, but did a lovely job entertaining us all with her scary vamp hissing and stoic facial expressions. I gotta say, love the frock. The only problem with killing Pandora, is that she appears later in her own book in Anne Rice's vampire chronicles (the twinkies bibles). That sort of messes things up. Anyhow, this lady is terrible, and it makes me wonder what sort of crack the film makers are on to cast this chicka anyhow. I'm guessing she's somebodies mother suffering a mid-life crisis and wants to feel sexy again be playing a "hot" vampire.

This is Jesse. Jesse is pathetic, annoying and has really chunky arms on her really skinny rib cage. Hmm. She is even lamer than in the book. Are you enjoying her gothic look? In the film, this is even stated as her gothic look, funny, isn't it? Not as funny as the cabana boys, but still...In the end, she hooks it up with hot man Lestat. You don't even know how much this film disregards the book...

Now we have Marius, AKA Vincent Perez, the worst Crow in the world. Vincy-baby, you sound like Arnold Swarzinagger. So fuck off. I really enjoy your gold eye shadow though mate. I especially love though, is how it turns out that you created Lestat, and painted pictures of Lestat instead of Armand. Then again, Armand was so ugly in this film, it was for the best I'm sure. Marius wasn't particularily funny, just really, really pathetic and rightous, which looking back on, was sort of funny. His outfits would be perfect for those losers who play the vampire role-playing game though.

Ah yes, the late Aliyah. Sorry to inform everyone, but being dead doesn't bestow you with depth and talent. You sucked when you were alive, and you suck now. You might suck even more because of this movie. You look like a crack whore. It's amazing how no one gave a rat's ass about Aliyah, but when she died it turned this low rate "singer" into a talented songstress and actress. For fuck's sakes, you're to the girl pop acts what
Hansen was to the boy acts: second rate and not as cute. (Not that I think they're cute *shudders*). This Akasha shit was lame, and this time, even lamer than the cabana boys. I would go on to talk about the other charactors, but it would just be more of what I've already said. And I have better things to do.