Embarking on the quest laid down for me by the mysterious 'Gutter', I undertake to critique a gothic site, thus insuring I gain Net immortality at some schmoe's expense.
I scan the page, and am immediately taken in by the zombiechick's site, primarily because it promises me Marilyn Manson. He's so dreamy, ans above all, as everybody knows, more gothic than a tree full of crows wearing eyeliner. No, really!
I click on the link. A giant eye-ball appears. After spending some time trying to decide the innate gothicness about a giant eyeball, I finally give up and click on it, if for no other reason because its all scary and stuff. Oh, and I desire to see the "gothic tips" promised within. I love gothic tips.
AAaaaaaarghhhhhh! Spookiness! Skulls and...I can't believe I'm seeing this...flying ankhs! Any doubts as to the extreme gothability of this site are swept away, as I'm assaulted by...well, not a lot really. Unless you count the Extreme Spooky (TM) skull and flying ankhs, of course.
Getting a grip on myself, I scan the page and decide to look into the "about me" section. this should be good.
I am bitterly disappointed. no cheesy pictures! No posing! I begin to fear that maybe this entry will lack the sensationalism of other, more glamorously wanky efforts, but press on. Zombiegirl tells me that her nicknames, no doubt given to friends on the back of cue-cards, include Black Star (TM), Lady Death (TM), the Devil (TM), and Devil Child (TM). Well. For a short time I'm overcome, then I notice that she is in fact 15 years old, and immediatly feel better about the human race in general. After all, there's still a chance a freak storm will drop five tons of rotting salmon on her head before she gets a chance to breed...
Wanting to get out of here ASAP, I quikly note the other fascinating details about our pal zombiegirl; she dislikes colour and normal stuff, so presumably she is a hermit living in a cave somewhere. Musical tastes include (wait for it); Marilyn Manson (YEEEES!), Korn, Tool, Pantera and Rob Zombie, all renowned, nay worshipped, for their undying extreme gothdom.
I go to the next section, promising me unending knowledge of all things gothique (under "definations".). I rejoice, as screeds of information scroll past, including such terms as "baby bats": "wannabe Goths who are only familar with the auperficial aspects of the culture"......HELLO SISTER!! Surely you can't be that stupid! Not a single band you listen to are gothic! You are 15 years old! You listen to Marilyn...I take a deep breath, calm myself, and continue.
Oh my freakin' gawd, she even includes tipos on how to pale yourself via a mixture of lemon juice and floor cleaner. I laugh until I'm sick and decide enough is enough. I am extremely upset at the lack of decent pics for viewers to giggle madly over, and so content myself by including the giant eyeball. |
