Question: Is domestic violence a learned behaviour?
Answer: Yes, often time’s batterers witnessed domestic violence as children. But the abusive behaviour that is learned can be unlearned, and positive behaviour can then be relearned in a healthy and constructive way.
Question: What does a batterer look like?
Answer: A batterer looks like any other person you commonly come in contact with. He can be of any race, socio-economic class, age, religious affiliation, sexual orientation and geographic background.
Question: Can a batterer change?
Answer: Yes, batterers can change, but the process can be slow. It may take a while for the batterer to see the need for reform since it may have taken many years for him to develop and rationalize his behaviour.
Question: Am I to blame for his violence?
Answer: Absolutely not. Even in the heat of anger, batterers make the choice to hit. They do not go "crazy" or "lose control," but know who to hit, where to hit and how hard to hit, to accomplish their ends. Men in domestic violence treatment groups, when they become honest with themselves, admit they use arguments or stress as an excuse to use abusive tactics to control their partner.
Question: What if he says he is sorry?
Answer:The batterer may promise to end the violence, go to therapy or buy presents, anything to get back to normal. Yet when the victim returns, the batterer begins his pattern of abusive and controlling behaviour again. His statements of apology and remorse in many cases are just another way to maintain control. The way the batterer can change is if he takes full responsibility for the violence, stops assaulting and enrols in treatment.
Question: How do I know if he is changing?
Answer:Trust your gut feelings regardless of other signs. Some of the things that we look for are:
* Has he completely stopped saying and doing things that frighten you?
* Can you express anger toward him without being punished for it?
* Does it feel safe to bring up topics that you know upset him?
* Can he listen to your opinion and respect it, even when he disagrees?
* Can he argue without being abusive or domineering?
* Does he respect your wishes about sex and physical contact?
* Has he stopped expecting you to do things for him?
* Can you spend time with your friends without being afraid that he'll retaliate?
* Can you do other things that are important to you, such as go to school or get a job?
* Are you comfortable with the way he interacts with the children?
* Do you feel safe leaving them alone with him?
* Is he being supportive and giving compliments?
* Does he listen to you?
* Does he do his share of housework and childcare?
Some Signs He Is Not Changing
* Does he use his treatment against you in any way?
* Does he tell you that you're abusive?
* Is he pressuring you to go to therapy for yourself or couple's counselling for the two of you?
* Does he tell you that you owe him another chance?
* Does he say that he can't change without your support?
* Does he try to get you or the children to feel sorry for him?
* Does he instill fear in the children about the future, or finances, or where they'll live, etc?
* Do you have to keep after him to attend his sessions in the program?
* Is he making his abuse sound like a lot less than it really is when he talks about it in group? (You can ask his counsellors to describe to what he is reporting).
* Does he expect something in return from you for the fact that he's attending treatment?
* Is he pressuring you to make up your mind about the relationship or to move back together?
* Is he pressuring you to drop your protection order?
Question:Should I stay with him
Answer:Your first consideration should be safety for you and your children. We encourage you get support for yourself, if it is safe to do so, through your local program for battered women He may pressure you to stay with him while h attends treatment, as this is a tactic of abuse an control designed to keep you from making up own mind. If he's serious about changing' he’ll respect your wishes about the relationship.
Question: How can our community stop domestic violence?
Answer: The whole community must send the message that it will not tolerate domestic violence. We can do that by providing education, a strong consistent law enforcement response, and comprehensive services for victims, children, and batterers.
