Down the pub...
A man walked up to the bar and ordered a pint of less.
"Less asked the barmaid, I've never heard of that before, is it a new beer?"
"I don't know,"replied the man. "When I went to the doctors he told me I should drink less."
A couple go down to their local pub one night. The girl sits down and the man (a 6ft 6in bodybuilder) goes to the bar for the drinks. When he returns his girlfriend is sobbing her heart out. "What's wrong love"? say's the man.
"That short guy over there just came up to me and said he'd love to cover me in fresh cream and lick it all off me."
"Right" said the man standing up rolling up his sleeves, "no wait, he also said he'd love to turn me upside down and fill my fanny full of beer and drink it out of me in one go," sobbed the girlfriend.
"Woa steady on a bit" said the man sitting back down, "maybe it's not wise to fuck with a man who can drink that much beer."
A man walks into the pub and gets a seat at the bar next to a drunk. For 10 minutes the drunk keeps looking at something in his hand and eventually the man's curiosity get's the better of him and he ask's the drunk what it is.?
"It's odd," replied the drunk.It looks like plastic but feels like rubber."
"Here let me see" say's the man. He takes the object and begin's to roll it between his finger's.
"You're right," he say's "It does feel like rubber but look's like plastic. Where did you get it from?"
"My nose," replied the drunk.
A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and in doing so shows a good hairy underarm.
Down the other end of the bar is a very drunken man..
"Hey waiter, get that ballerina a drink!" he shout's.
"How do you know she's a ballerina?"
"Well no one else can get their leg that high."
Two mates are talking in the pub one night when one say's to the other, "I was shagging the wife last night and half way through I muff dived her a blew right up her fanny, it excited her so much that she lifted 6inch off the bed." "That's nothing" said the other, "Last night I was shagging my wife and half way through I picked her up sat her on my cock and spun her around like she was sat on a swivel chair, she was so excited that she lifted 10inch off the bed".
"That's nothing lad's"  said a man of about seventy who had been listening to their conversation. "Last night I shagged my wife and when I finished I wiped my dick on her new nightie and she nearly hit the fucking roof!"  
Two men talking in the pub and one say's to the other "Do you know any cures for cold sores, I've got a terrible one on my lip"? "Yes I do actually, go home and give your dog's arse a right good kissing." Why will it cure it"? "No, but it will stop you licking your lip's."
Two men chatting in the pub one night, and one says to the other, "I'll never forget the time I turned to the bottle as a substitute for women,"
"Why's that then?" says the other.
"I got my dick stuck in it."
A Scttish man burst's into a bar with his tongue hanging out and it's completely black.
"What happened to you," ask's one of his mate's,?
"A bottle of whiskey fell out of my pocket and broke on the hot tar road," he said.
A white horse walk's into  the pub and order's a double scotch,. The barman say's "wow, we have a drink named after you"
The horse say's "what George."
More Jokes coming soon...