Have you ever been to the corner video rental store, which consists of one small room containing several flimsy sets of movable shelves along with shelves which line two of the walls. On these shelves sit dusty and neglected video cassette boxes for such hard to find movies as THE BEAST and such modern classics as FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII. While shifting through the volumes upon volumes of forgotten celluloid lore, you happen upon a movie that you've never seen before. Cramped in between copies of HELLRAISER III and ANTS, a faded and neglected box peeks out at you, it's plastic wrap torn and the scent of mildew escaping out from it. You grab hold of the box, pulling it out into the artificial light, turning it so you can see the label. On it reads, "BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA", and you suddenly realize, THIS is what being a B-horror fan is all about! These precious moments in which you find a movie that sounds so campy and so cheesy, that to pass it over is to forsake yourself and give your life up to a band of cannibalistic girl scouts! So, fearing the fangs of those afformnetioned girl scouts, you take firm hold of the video box, stack it on top of your pile of HALLOWEEN III, BLOOD BEACH, and GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER, and head for the check out counter. The clerk may laugh at you, or look at you oddly, but you're not concerned with them, because all you can think about is getting home, taking the inter-racial porn out of your VCR, slapping in BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA, and living out possibly the corniest moment of your illgotten existence! Well, even if that's not your idea of the perfect day, it IS what happened to me. Now, background aside, let us get to the movie!

This flick stars John Carradine (in what he considers his worst movie eveer) as Dracula, a role he's no stranger to, thanx to such movies as HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN and HOUSE OF DRACULA. Our story takes place in the time of Manifest Destiny, as the still young country of the United States of America continues to make it's way toward the west coast, through what was known as the "Wild West". Thankfully, this period was free of Will Smith's evil ways. Drac came over to the US stowed away in the luggage of a Hungarian family, apparently looking to escape the growing resistence in his home country. One night, he comes out of hiding, biting the young daughter of the family on the neck, having a quick snack before escaping into the night with the help of a skip in the film. Later on, Drac is picked up by a passing stagecoach, whose passengers pass Drac off as simply being a stranded weirdo. Inside the coach, a fat old woman shows Drac a picture of her nubile, barely-legal daughter, causing Drac to pop a boner and take some serious interest! When the coach stops at an Indian camp for a rest, Drac lays down the lovin' as he hypnotizes a nice piece of red ass (gotta learn that trick) and chomps on her lovely neck. When the other Injuns find out about this, they get seriously pissed and massacre the coach's other passangers! As for Drac, he's probably off smacking his undead pudd in some Sioux snatch. Elsewhere, we see what Betty (the previously mentioned hot young daughter) is doing, and discover that she's actually engaged to the infamous Billy the Kid! Speaking of Billy, he's setlled down now, taking up an assumed name and working on Betty's ranch as the new foreman... sleeping with the boss will do wonders for your career.

Back to Drac (who I just noticed lacks an accent), he arrives into town alone, attmepting to pass himself off as Betty's long lost Uncle Jim, who was actually one of those massacred on the stagecoach. Also, the Hungarian family from the begining arrives in town, spoutting stories of vampires and such. When "Uncle Jim" confronts Betty with the news of her slaughtered mother, she understandably gets all sad and shit, crying her eyes out with "Uncle Jim" providing the proverbial shoulder for her to shed her tears on. Billy's a little suspicious about the Hungarians' stories and this unbelievable "Uncle Jim" and his miraculous escape from the massacre happening at the same time, so he invites the family to stay at BEtty's ranch to help him keep an eye on Drac. As if keeping track of "Uncle Jim" weren't bad enough, Billy's also got to deal with the everyday foreman problem of mutinous and unruly ranch-hands! A hiding criminal's job is never an easy one... As for his fears of "Uncle Jim", Betty passes them off as nonsense and superstition, also getting fed up with the Hungarians' same concerns. As for "Uncle Jim", when he discovers just who Billy really is, he decides he's not too keen on the idea of his "niece" marrying a known felon, so he declares Marshal Law (as always, no Samo) on the ranch, taking it over so as to keep to his "niece's best interests". Upon his tyranical action, his first proclamations are the unemployment of Billy and the incarceration of Betty! This dramatic cliffhanger is given tension as... the movie changes reels... damn I hate old technology. Ok, back to the story now, Drac goes about his plan to make Betty his undead bride, feeding on her supple neck while Billy gets into a bar room shootout with one of his disgruntled ex-employees, wnding when Billy shoots the man dead. The next morning, a comatose Betty is taken to the town doctor, and Billy is taken to the town jail.

Drac, not one to let his meals get away, steals Betty back from the doctor's office. When the doc sees that ol' Drac doesn't cast a reflection in her mirror, she starts believing Billy's stories and helps him break out of jail! Billy, now with the doc and the sheriff on his side, hunts Drac and Betty to an abandoned cave, where he learns that bullets really do have no effect on the undead! Drac, sick of Billy's bull, then chokes out the rascal, using none other than the cross-face chicken wing for all you pro-wrestling fans out there! The doc and sheriff then take the opportunity to distract Drac from killing Billy, who awakens and clubs Drac with the butt of his pistol (just cuz the bullets don't work doesn't mean the gun has no effect!), putting him off balance enough for Billy to plant a stake in fang face's heart, bringing an end to his wild west carnage. The killing blow also awakens Betty, allowing for everyone to stroll out of the cave to the tune of a happy little soundtrack, off into Happily Ever After land. Just one question before the movie ends though: What the fuck was the deal with that dead bat flying out of the cave when Drac is staked and reduced to a cheap Biology class skeleton?! is that supposed to be Drac's soul? Perhaps that's his true form (the skeleton being a decoy) and he's escaping to go fight Wild Bill?! What the fuck happened?!

Oh well, confusion aside, lovers of B-horror camp will enjoy this movie, if for nothing more than a good heartfealt laugh! The special fx are predictably bad, the acting is straight out of a cheesy western, and the whole concept was a joke to begin with! You can't help but love it! I mean, how can you not love it when Drac's "bloodlust" is signaled by a piece of red film being pulled over the off stage lighting? So bad, but so well meaning, this is the kind of movie you show your kids if you want them to get into horror, but don't want to traumatize them with RE-ANIMATOR or LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. Good natured fun for the child in most of us, in a vein with LA INVASION DE LOS MUERTOS! Even a Death God can feel all warm and giddy inside, heh heh. :)

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER or HOUSE OF DRACULA