Out of all the parodies and clones that came out of BLOOD FEAST, BLOOD DINER is by FAR the best of the lot! Who would've thought that from such amateurish shit like BLOOD FEAST could come such entertainment, NOT involving the torching of a video store? Firstly, for those kids at home who watch wrestling, then go into the backyard and break window panes and hockey sticks over each other's heads, this movie gives a little warning, "All the mutilations, bodily dismemberments, and cannibal rituals were performed by seasoned professionals. Please do not attempt any of these stunts at home. Thank you". So, remember boys and girls, only you can prevent, uhm, Joyce DeWitt... Okay, anyways, BLOOD DINER is the story of two brothers: Mike and George Tutman. Back in their 1950's suburb home, their escaped psycho uncle, Anwar Namtut, with meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other, bursts into their house. He gives them both ancient black magic amulets before running back out of the house and into a hail of police gunfire! "20 Years Later" the boys dig up the remains of Uncle Anwar, split open his skull, and plop his eyes, brain, and lips into a pickle jar! Thanx to Anwar's talking grey matter, the boys are anointed as servants of Shitar: an evil ancient Egyptian goddess. This job requires them to create the perfect body for Shitar, so she may come back to this earthly plain and fuck up A LOT of people! To create the perfect body for Ishy, the boys go BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, luring hot babes and playing doctor, then chopping 'em up! How to lure hot babes though! Simple, the boys open up a health food restaurant! In addition to their culinary mischief, the boys (wearing Jimmy Carter and Ronnie Reagan masks) also gun down a squad of topless cheerleaders doing aerobics for a fundraiser! They chop the girls up and make Shitar's new body, but what to do with the extra parts? Do what the mob does: make veggie-burgers out of 'em! Give new meaning to the term "finger foods". HAHAHA! Wait, I think make that joke in every cannibal movie review... Sorry, been too busy to come up with new material. Well, the boys now have everything they need. Now, they just have to hold the "Blood Buffet" ritual, sacrifice the virgin daughter of the cop who killed Uncle Anwar, and Shitar can start some shit... tar... argh! They disguise the ritual as a party at Club Dread, offering free food to the party-goers, transforming them into zombies as the Tutman bros. resurrect Shitar! When she is revived, she makes many a head explode, complete with a 4th of July fireworks show! Everything would've gone fine here too, if only the cops following the boys' case hadn't shot Mike in the head, leaving Georgie to be eaten by Shitar. With her summoners both dead now, Shitar goes up in a poof of smoke and all the zombies get aced by the fuzz. But, not to fear, cuz Uncle Anwar's got a new "man eater" prostitute body, and he's goin' home with some dump-ass in a convertible! Sequel! What can I say, if you're a gore whore like I am, and you love Troma movies, then see this movie! It's got projectile vomit, head crushing, cannibalism, a deep-fried decapitation, organ meat, full moon complete with methane discharge, headless driver, kung-fu, nad busting, a ventriloquist dummy, and Nazi wrestling to complete the package! Something for everyone! YOU CAN'T LOSE! DAMN IT, GET THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!!! Oh shit... my heart stopped........... okay, there it goes. Just trust me, if you need a flick that out Tromas Troma, get BLOOD DINER. Your spastic colon will thank you.

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: TROMEO AND JULIET or BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH