Many true horror followers out there recognize this movie as the controversial slasher flick that put a whole new twist on the genre of "scary movies" (uggh, just saying that phrase makes my guts boil and eat themselves in heresy), giving the killer a rather abnormal motive. On the other hand, horror fans may instead note the flick's harsh journey, originally slated for a theatrical release then brutally raped, forced to it's knees, and getting a cable release forced down it's throat... and all it could do was swallow. Yep, USA Films decided that, instead of pushing it to theaters like it should've been, CHERRY FALLS would instead be debuted on their USA Network during a week long Halloween movie marathon, along with it's other "originally slated for the big screen" horror parody: SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH, which was just a really pale attempt at a SCARY MOVIE clone, though that's another review entirely...

Our film opens as a virgin teen couple prepares to share their first time together... in the front seat of a car. How memorable, probably with Monster Ballads in the stereo so they can rock each other's worlds to the heart pumping rifts of Winger! Cinderella! Extreme! Rush delivery is AVAILABLE! Nothing like popping your cherry to a bunch of one hit wonder hair bands from those wacky '80s while in the front of a Buick... But, a parked car by a secluded lake isn't exactly the best place to be doing premarital relation type things in a horror movie, as this law is proven when a psycho in a miniskirt, a leather trench coat, and a bad hair weave goes ballistic and hacks up the budding lovers! Elsewhere Jody and Kenny, another virgin couple (though they've been dating for OVER A FUCKING YEAR!), are having relationship speed bumps because Jody won't put out. This prompts Ken to threaten Jody with a break-up. Oh well, I know I'm gonna get the reaming of a lifetime for this, but I think Kenny's in the right. Yes, usually I'm a staunch crusader for women's rights (because when you tell em what they wanna hear, they give it up willingly), but this is bullshit. For over a year Kenny's probably been treating Jody good, giving her all sorts of shit and giving up his friends for her, and here she refuses to go for one little trip on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Don't look at Kenny as an asshole, because he doesn't just wanna get laid, he wants to share this special moment between them so as to bring them closer as a serious couple. If you can't share EVERYTHING with a person, then you obviously don't love them enough to have a long lasting meaningful relationship with them, so why bother in the first place if you're just going to doom it from the start?! Sex after marriage is way overrated. This is the cause of many divorces, because the man or woman discovers that their partner is lousy in the sack. See, had they known this ahead of time, they would never had gotten the ball and chain in the first place, and people wouldn't look at them like heathens when they say, "oh, I'm divorced". In other words girls, I say lighten up, bend over, and bite down on a sock... guess that does it for my career as a relationship councilor...

Anyway, after Kenny leaves, we learn that Jody is not only a prude, but she's also the loving daughter of the Sheriff of Cherry Falls, Brent . Likely a reason for her granite stance on her sexual repression... ya think?! The next day, right on schedule, Jody's high school is broken up by the previous night's murders, and Kenny is seen "reassuring" one of his fellow student bodies. More specifically, a body with yummy titties and who probably puts out (or so class gossips say). After a day of controversy and tension in school, the following night brings another murder, as another cherry is extinguished before it can be popped. This time the victim (of the clitoral persuasion) is slashed up and hung from a large novelty light fixture that looks like a suspended wagon wheel. This latest death prompts the arrival of the FBI who, I guess, have a "3 kill quota" rule they have to follow before they look into small town affairs. Each of the three bodies, upon autopsy examination, bare a carving of the word "virgin" in their inner upper thigh. This brings cause for worry to Sheriff Brent, who, after confronting Jody, learns that his little girl is still his little girl... though I think Jody's having some incestual feelings for her daddy...

Feeling it necessary to warn the parents of Cherry Falls about the killer's motives, Brent orders a town meeting in the school gym. Peeking in on the activities is Jody and her freaky reporter pal Tim, who actually manages to do what Jim Carrey cannot: be funny without going so far as to be intolerably annoying. A fight breaks out when the parents hear about the situation (accusations of daughters being sluts for the most part), and Tim breaks away to call his editor. But, leave him alone for 2 minutes and his throat is slashed in common slasher flick fashion. When Jody finds his body, she also finds our killer in the skirt, who proceeds to chase out heroine through the school's hallowed (and badly lit) halls. After a couple close calls, Jody manages to fend off the fiend with a big model shark in the biology lab (pushing the edge between "humor" and "all out wackiness"), allowing her to escape into her father's waiting arms. After a police sketch artist takes Jody's description down, we get a picture of what looks to Brent like Loralee Sherman, a girl that went wacko 25 years prior after she was supposedly raped by four football players who were never convicted of any such charges. It very well could be Loralee, as that was the name the killer used when trying to get into the house of the third victim. Despite Tim's jugulated demise, word of the killer's virgin obsession reaches the student body. In a panic, all the virgins in school organize the only solution: a "hymen holocaust". Yep, they're gonna hold a good ol' fashioned orgy in hopes of taking themselves off the endangered species list. Before the party, the class doorknob (on whom everyone gets a turn) gives all the female virgins a pep talk, which annoyed me, being a guy and all, as she basically does nothing but bad talk men and tell the girls the work is all up to them. Hey, without us, they don't even have a chance of evading the killer's blades, so I suggest they take a look at my directions from earlier in this review and just be thankful we're here to save them like always.

As for Jody, she's still unsure about her and Kenny, who's invited her to the party so they can share their first time like they'd planned. To occupy herself, she goes to the public library to look at the Kama Sutra. Just kidding! She's actually there to look through old copies of the town newspaper in hopes of finding something on Loralee. Just then her mother arrives, and tell her the whole story about the football players and their drunken violation of the young Miss Sherman. Startling revelations come to pass too, as it turns out that, not only in the school's principal one of those football players, but so is... Jody's father, the Sheriff. Hey, I say it time and again that all law officers are hypocritical bastards, but no one ever listens to the insane guy who looks like Charles Manson and claims he's the God of Death and Embalming... Speaking of Jody's criminal father, he goes on a tip out to West Virginia, where he checks up on the supposed last whereabouts of Loralee Sherman. He finds a run down old farmhouse, containing a crib and other dirty decayed baby items. Could it be that Loralee had a child from one (or all) of her "lovers"?! As Brent leaves, a long-haired figure watched from the shadows. Just who this figure is is undiscovered, though I'm sure we'll find out later. Meanwhile, Kenny and Jody have another rocky encounter, when, for a change, HE's the one turning off JODY's attempts at intimacy! Whatever this moron's problem is, I suggest he seek professional help. Otherwise, maybe he should change his name to Bruce and start looking for a boyfriend, because if there's a hot little fuck doll like Jody all over me, taking off her shirt and clawin' at my crotch, then I KNOW I'd be all over her like... uhm... sorry, that mental image of Jody doing all that shit to me threw me off for a second there. Anyway, as for Brent, when he goes to confront the principal about a call to meet with him, he finds the fat ass dead behind his desk, tied up with the words "Virgin Not" carved in his forehead! He then gets cracked over the head from behind, likely by the killer.

Meanwhile, at the cherry poppin' festival, it's humor abound as a full house (look out for John Stamos and Dave Coulier) of virgins try to sort out sleeping arrangements and get past the first awkward stages of makin' sweet love down by the fire for the first time. This is compounded by the fact that they're also attempting to do it in front of a mob of other teens in the same situation! Kenny gives up his date to go and try to sort things out with Jody, YET AGAIN... get over it Kenny, or you're gonna be a victim before you're a sex god. As for Jody, well, she's gone looking for more mature pastures, as she seeks out her hunky young English teacher, Mr. Leonard Marliston (Joy Mohr... what's he got that I don't Jody?). But, when she finds her dad encased in a trunk in Mr. M's basement, things go from awkward to life threatening, as he cold cocks Jody's ass too... not literally, I mean he knocks her out. So, with father and daughter both restrained, Leonard dresses himself up all pretty before he kills them both, forcing Brent to tell the story of Loralee's rape so he and Jody can get the full effect. Afterwards, Leo continues the story where Brent leaves off. Turns out that, yes, Lora WAS cursed with the spawn of at least one of her ass-ailants. That spawn grew up to be the bastard Leonard, whom mommy beat on a daily basis because he looks so much like his daddy: Brent. Yes, before he plopped his seeds in her plowed field (I hate sloppy fourths), Lora was secretly in love with young Brent. So, being the reminder of a beautifully disturbing obsession gone horribly wrong, Lora walloped her little Leo with a belt since Brent wasn't available. After reading us his fucking autobiography, Leo finally gets down to some business as he begins to carve Jody's tender leg flesh. Just then, Kenny arrives, knocking on the door looking for Jody. When Ken sees Leo dressed rather homo-erotically, lipstick on his lips and Jody's bicycle parked by his porch, Ken puts two and two together and gets five, or I should say he gives five, as he decks Leo, slides into the weirdo's house, and locks the door behind him. Hearing noises in the basement, he goes down to find Jody and Brent in their current predicament. Playing the knight in shining armor, he frees Jody then, as he's freeing Brent, in comes the angry Leo. While our young lovers make off into the safety of the night, Brent and Leo trade stab wounds, with Leo eventually winning out so as to pursue his escaped prey.

Jody and Kenny make it to the orgy house, where the party has moved upstairs for some reason (hey, an orgy is an orgy, no need to do it upstairs when the downstairs floor will work just as good! After forcing a cop to "split" his post, Leo chases the couple into the lodge, where he slashes up random sexually active teens in his pursuit. Now, this is where I have to get pissed and ask, "why don't any of these big strong manly people jump the freak and kick his ass?!", just like I did with A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2. Yes, some people are gonna be scared and run screaming like manic farm animals, but with all these naked babes around, it's the perfect time for some lame-ass nerds to band together, overwhelm Leo with their sheer numbers, and gain the adoration of lots of female tail! Sadly though, no one takes the opportunity, allowing Leo to get a good slash to Ken's abdomen. This site sends Jody into ass kicking panic mode, as she grabs the lunging Leo's arm, tossing his momentum out the window... literally. He falls from the second story, winding up impaled on a porch railing, then getting ventilated furiously by the town's one female cop. Afterwards, Jody and her mom decide to keep tight-lipped about Leo's story and Brent's involvement in it, making for a happy ending... though I think that both Brent and Kenny are dead, so I guess it's not really a happy ending after all...

Movie critics alike say that CHERRY FALLS was a victim of D-t-TV syndrome because production companies didn't know whether to release it as a horror movie like SCREAM, or as a parody movie like SCARY MOVIE, so they just avoided the need for advertising and shipped it to cable. My theory though, is that the only reason CHERRY FALLS got screwed like a child molester in prison is the lack of name power. No one in CHERRY FALLS really has any recognition beyond this movie. None of them have been on "Dawson's Creek", they've never been on "Party of Five" and not one of them has ever been in a commercial for 1-800-CALL-ATT. The only reason shit like SCREAM and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER even get screen time is because of the "hot young stars" featured in them. It's true! Look at URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT. Though it followed the usual cookie-cutter equation for a modern teeny-bopper slasher flick, it failed miserably since none of it's stars had contracts with the WB Network. Now, I guarantee that, if you stuck them on the cover of Seventeen, YM, and Highlights For Kids, then re-released the movie 3 weeks later, it'd make twice it's original gross. Trust me, I may hate the trend sucking bastard youth of Amerika, but I can read them like a Dr. Seuss book. This is really sad though, because quality slasher stuff like CHERRY FALLS is alienated. All the acting was pretty quality stuff except for the occasional dud. The humor was toned down, but that's good for this kind of movie. Since it focuses on lampooning one aspect of slasher flicks (making virgins the victims instead of the people who score) it allows more energy to be directed on the jokes instead of something like SCREAM, which tries to do a broad tongue-in-(butt)cheek rendition of all slasher stereotypes. When you spread yourself too thin, you lose your hold. Meanwhile, SCARY MOVIE not only spread itself into too many fields, but it also went overboard on a lot of the humor. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was a funny movie, but I prefer the more subtle humor of CHERRY FALLS. Basically, CHERRY FALLS is just another sad story of a good movie done a horrible injustice.

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: SCREAM or TERROR TRACTS