Before fighting TERMINATORs, Linda Hamilton was beating up on innocent kids in Stephen King movies! "3 Years Ago" in Gatlin, Nebraska: a group of kids poison the coffee in a small town diner, then proceed to slaughter all the adults with farming tools (that's for rushing me into potty training!). This starts a domino effect as all over town the adults' Sunday threads become their funeral duds! Now, we go to "Present Day" (which by my watch would be about Late April-Early May... gotta get this watch fixed) where Vicki (Hamilton) and her hubby Bert are driving through the vast cornfields of Canada... no wait... damn it Martin, they're in Nebraska, not Canada! Some kid trying to escape the Junior Nazis of Nebraska gets a knife in his back for his troubles (I think the knife IS his troubles) before he stumbles into the road and gets nailed by the happy couple's car o' death (I think it's a Dodge). In the outskirts of Gatlin, the brother/sister duo of Job and Sarah (the psychic girl) are the only ones who aren't under Isaac (the evil leader)'s control... who in turn is the minion of "He Who Walks Behind the Rows". After driving around in circles for hours, Vicki and Bert settle for the town of Gatlin, finding everything desolated till they meet Sarah. Bert goes off looking for an authority figure (the kind with the kung-fu grip?!), which leaves Vicki to be swiped by the corn worshiping punks. They plan to crucify Vick and use her as bait to capture Bert, who is prophesized to take down their little Redenbacher Gestapo by destroying "He Who Walks...". To add to the turmoil, Isaac's Bad Lieutenant (no, it's not Harvey Kietel) Malachi holds a coup' and has Isaac crucified! Bert tries to turn the kids around by telling them that religion without love or compassion are lies. Now tell that to the 12 story dragon under the cornfield who's whipping up a hurricane! Bert pumps the irrigation system full of Gasohol and burns the fields down... actually, they go up in an orgy of explosions and flaming clouds... clouds with faces... scary. Vicki, Bert, Job, and Sarah live happily ever after... after Bert knocks the last cult girl out with his car door... then the credits role. A cult around corn... I don't know whether to laugh, or laugh hysterically! Also, you gotta wonder about the longevity of a cult who kills off their members when they turn 18... especially when there's no breeding allowed. As for the all around flick, there were some cool images (especially the crucified cop known as "the man in blue") and if you wanna make a movie REALLY eerie, just have a children's choir backing up people singing Latin phrases on the soundtrack! Oh yeah, this mediocre landmark somehow spawned 5 sequels. I've seen 2 and heard the other 3 were even worse though! I never liked Stephen King...

Sequels: CHILDREN OF THE CORN II, CHILDREN OF THE CORN III, CHILDREN OF THE CORN IV, CHILDREN OF THE CORN V, and CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC'S RETURN

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BEWARE! CHILDREN AT PLAY or THE TOMMYKNOCKERS