"This is a story about Cryogenics, also called Cryonics... the facts are true, the characters are fictional." And thus begins the movie that... uhm... I'm not sure if this flick is pro-popsicle people, or anti-popsicle people, but I wish they would've had a cameo by Walt Disney's head! Anyway, this flick (which Linda Blair will probably sock you in the mouth for if you ever mention it to her at a convention), isn't bad, but it's definitely in need of a few things. For starters, as I said, it stars Linda Blair. Pro: Linda plays stupid little Mary, who gets beaten by her drunken husband and winds up with Grizzly Adams in the end. Con: Linda Blair is a bitch in real life, so it's hard to sit there and watch, unable to smack her in her fucking undeveloped face. Also, let's not forget that the movie also stars Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty as Joe: a laid back but "battle hardened" rent-a-cop. Well, as for the story... We focus on this Cryogenics lab, where they're turning rich people into popsicles until a cure can be found for their diseases or until immortality is discovered. It's funny, because the suits they put these peoplesicles into look like tinfoil long johns! Kinky. Well, all is going fine, until Halloween. A guy robs a hotel office (killing the desk clerk with the cheapest shotgun wound I've ever been forced to sit through), then gets shot down later on during a bank heist. The jerk's rich daddy has him Cryocized. Man, I don't think they're gonna find a cure for fatal gunshots, daddy. That night, a freak lightning storm awakens the freezer burnt zombies, torching them all horribly and making them A LOT more lively! As they make their way around the storage house attacking security guards and the occasional employee, we soon learn that the evil doctor behind the whole operation was just harvesting the peoplesicles for their organs! He'd then sell them, and dispose of the bodies... poor Walt Disney. Actually, the evil doc ain't all bad, as he does give the "cryonoids" an actual fight. Before he gets the cryo-treatment himself that is. Boy, those cryonoids sure carry a grudge. Other than the evil doctor, pretty much the only other resistance they get is from some drunk dude with a sword! I like that, just because it sounds so obscene and reminds me of the "duel" flashback in HIGHLANDER, heh heh. Eventually, the whole place just gets burned down, and the cryonoids get fried or something. Mary and Joe are, of course, in love by the end, having spent the horrid night running from the zombies together. Oh, and Joe also kicked Mary's abusive husband's ass. I think. Sadly though, the fire is not the end of the monsters, as it is later revealed that they went underground, inhabiting the Kansas City sewer systems. Basically, they became Kansas City's answer to C.H.U.D.s! Oh, and I hate to be a spoiler, but Joe's dog does live. The story seemed okay, most notably when compared to shit like RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2, or CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD, but the gore was so lame! Other than the beheading and the cool forklift impalement, it was pretty non-existent. What little other gore there was, was terrible! You do have to ask yourself one thing after it's all over though, "... is this Satan's work?".

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: C.H.U.D. 2: BUD THE C.H.U.D. or THE VIDEO DEAD