Back before independent comicbooks were available at grocery stores and newstands, James O'Barr created what has become probably the most well known and commercialized black and white "graphic novel" (i.e. comicbook) in history: the Crow. Of course, this movie comes from said collection, and director Alex Proyas sticks pretty true to the original plan, though fleshing out some of the supporting cast and taking the atmosphere and setting to a bigger plain, going from the wide open small time feel of the first, and putting it into a claustrophobic city scene without losing the dark, corrupt, tragic feel O'Barr intended. The comic origins of the movie aside, THE CROW also was a landmark film, because it was the movie that killed Brandon Lee, son of the late great ass kicker and subject of the funniest Lipton Brisk Tea commercial in history, Bruce Lee. Like his father, Brandon was struck down on the set. During a shoot out scene, one of the guns had a real bullet when they should all have been loaded with blanks. Wielding the gun was Micheal Massee, a.k.a. FunBoy. Not exactly a career to compare to his father's, though it's still kinda shitty when you think that the Bruce Lee legacy has been sawed off at the roots. Oh well, at least he died entertaining me. Besides, don't blame me, I was just doin my job...

We open on October 30th, the night before Halloween, "Devil's Night", a night known for arson and anarchy amongst the denizens of the city. I think it's Detroit... It's also the night before Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) and his long time love Shelley Webster are to be wed in eternal happiness. But, don't start vomitting from all the mushy shit yet, cuz the starry-eyed couple is assaulted! Shelley is beaten and raped as Eric is held back to watch. Then gang then pounds him shitless and send his mailing through the apartment's gothic picture window, doing a double-header triple axle to the unforgiving pavement below, with nothing more than shards of glass to, uhm, soften the fall. "One year later", Eric crawls forth from his grave, not showing a DAY's worth of decay as he is lead back from Limbo by the power of the Crow: an entity that allows those wronged in life to comeback from the big dirtnap and get some sweet sweet revenge vigilante style, made flesh in the form of the bird of the same name... though when you think about it, crows are really nothing more than winged rats picking at carrion. Leave it to comics and movies to make a worthless scavanger an object of coolness. Then again, to Goths, anything black is cool. Then again, REAL Goths were barbarians of the middle ages who did nothing but pillage and guzzle mead all day...

So, back from the dead, it's time for Eric to kick some ass. First though, it's back to the dilapidated remains of his burnt out apartment, where Eric is subjected to violent flashbacks of that fateful night. They obviously didn't live in a good part of town, not only because they were murdered, but also because in the entire year the apartment's been unoccupied, not ONE person has moved in on it! Well, seeing one of Shelley's artsy clown-like masks hanging from her mirror, Eric is nailed by a spark of inspiration, painting his face up in a black and white make-up to give himself that evil Harleyquinn look. Some people may not think it's that scary, but I painted my face up like that one year for Halloween, and everytime I grinned at someone, they had a fucking heartattack! Oh wait, that was the year I didn't WEAR a costume... After slapping himself from head-to-toe in black leather and doing some acrobatic flips for the Hell of it, Eric is finally ready to take on the world as the dark Brian Boitano! Just shittin' ya, he's actually ready to dispense some whoop ass! And he's not alone either, as he and his stool pigeon, errr, stool crow (whom we'll call "Skip") are fueled by such heavy psychos as Stone Temple Pilots, Nine Inch Nails, the Rollins Band, and Helmet on the soundtrack! Nothing better than heavy metal death kill satan loving rock music to serve up a cold dish of revenge!

While Eric and Skip work their way through the bad guys Jason style, he's also got a little something to help him out with the obvious disadvantage he has numbers wise: a healing factor that would put Wolverine to shame. Yep, that's one of the best parts about the Crow, as long as his bird is alive, so is he. Then again, I don't know if I'd put my existence in the hands of a bird whose species is well known for flying headfirst into semi grills, but hey, it's better than being eaten by worms. During the adventure, we're introduced to Sarah, a young girl who's pretty much an orphan, seeing as how her mom is a neglectful crack whore. Lucky for Sarah she was also a good friend to Eric and Shelley, so when he comes back he sets Sarah's mom straight, turning her from Courtney Love into a regular June Fucking Cleaver. While doing so, he also sticks one of his killers full of painfull injections, so I guess he kills two birds with one stone... oh man, that was the biggest and most blatant pun I've set up in my millenias long career! Aside from Sarah, there's also police officer Albrecht (Ernie Hudson), the city's last "good cop" who covered the murders of Eric and Shelley, and has taken an interest in this crazy mime that's started corpsifying the local hoodlum populace. Eric has use for him though, as an informant. So, like I said, Eric gets medievil on some villain ass, using knives, guns, explosives, hypodermic needles, and a kamikazee hot rod (which also features a funny AND cool chase scene). At each death he leaves a crow symbol, usually in blood or fire.

Now, it comes down to Eric and one last killer: Skank. Skank's really nothing special, so to spice up the flick a little, Skank's boss Top Dollar gives the boy refuge. Don't misunderstand, he has no love for the dirtbag, he's just using him to lure Eric, whom he's taken a serious interest in. Again, don't get the guy wrong, he's not into guys. Why should he, when he's got his sister Myca to fuck... So, to prove himself muy macho, when Eric comes looking for Skank, Toppy says no and has his boys show Eric who's the boss (though we already know the answer: Tony Danza) through the use of automatic weapons. Seeing as how he's pretty much unkillable, the attack phases him about as much as some fucking heartburn, so he gets up, dusts himself off, and wastes wave upon wave of gun-toting extras in sunglasses and berets in one of the best pre-MATRIX, non-Schwarzenegger shoot outs that Hollywood has to offer! After making a fool out of the Stuntpeople's Union, Eric finally finishes the immediate vendetta that brought him back in the first place, tossing the weaselly Skank through a big pane of glass and racking his cranium off a packed dance floor 30 feet below. Now it's off to see the Wizard, as our painted anti-hero, finished with those DIRECTLY responsible for the death of he and his fair love, goes for the man who warranted the attack in the first place: Top Dollar. Not one to back down from a challenge, though one to pull the old supervillain mistake of "if the hero can have power, then there must be a way I can take it for myself". But, to help re-even out the odds a little and help boost Eric's incentive level, Toppy and his incestuous sibling kidnap Sarah for use as a hostage! Sometimes being an immortal tool of vengeance doesn't pay.

Upon his arrival to Toppy's cathedral hide-out, the bad news starts early as Toppy's sidekick number one, Grange (played by the CANDYMAN himself, Tony Todd!) pops Eric's magic bird, winging it and severing Eric's fast healing powers! To help out, Albrecht arrives, venting Grange himself, before he too takes a lead injection courtesy of Myca. Speaking of Myca, she gets her just desserts as the injured crow pecks out her eyes in the standard Hollywood irony demise... had I told you that Myca had an eye fetish earlier in the review, this statement may have actually made sense. I really gotta start outlining these things before I just start typing them up randomly as I go along... Damn it, enough about these minor leaguers, what about Eric and Toppy! Well, funny I should ask, because the two have made their way to the cathedral's roof, where they're dueling it out man-to-bird. Toppy's swingin' his favorite Katana blade and Eric, well, he's brandishing a loose lightning rod while Sarah hangs from the roof's egde, nothing but 4 stories of atmosphere between her and the sidewalk! Just when it looks like evil may triumph over good for once, Eric lashes back at Toppy, grabbing his face and transferring 36 hours of unadulterated agony, courtesy of Shelley's final time on Earth before her death, driving the bastard temporarily mad. As Eric goes limp, Toppy stumbles back onto the waiting horns of a gargoyle statue, impaling himself and falling to his demise, allowing Eric to rescue Sarah and good to triumph over the forces of darkness, blah blah blah. Afterwards, Mr. Good Guy can do nothing more than drag himself to Shelley's gravesite, where he bids a final farewell to existence. With his job done, Eric is visited by Shelley's phantom, and the two walk off into the light, presumably to live happily ever after in the other world. Aw, how sweet... so sweet I'm shittin' toothpaste...

This was a great movie, though were many comicbook fanboys say that it was very true to the comic, I say thee nay. There was not ONE solitary straight character in the whole 100 minutes! EVERYONE had this urge to spout one-liners and really bad jokes. Two instances that come to mind are "someone stuck his blades in all Tin Tin's major organs in alphabetical order" as delivered by the frightened Skank and the "Jesus walks into an motel" joke that Eric delivers. Yeah, he looks like a madman, but he was more brooding and homicidal in the comic, not a zombie Seinfeld. The humor was funnier than most action-horror comedy, but for a tale of deep gothic revenge and tragic love lost, there were just too many jokes. Maybe that guy was right and Eric is just a clown... The acting was pretty high grade for a comicbook movie, not Shakespearian or anything like that, then again, after Mel Gibson starred in HAMLET, that term doesn't really mean a whole Hell-of-a-lot. Most notable wasn't Lee, but Michael Wincott, who makes the ultimate villain: a white trash redneck swordsman gang leader who tries to be stylish, named "Top Dollar" of all things... funny, but very sinister in that KING OF NEW YORK/DELIVERENCE fashion.

So far two sequels have followed this movie, neither able to capture the feel of the original. In a sad attempt to grab the attention of fans of THE CROW, some "more money than brains" assholes who rule over television land decided it'd be a good idea to make a series based on the Eric Draven character... despite the fact he died in the movie's finale. It was called "The Crow: Stairway to Heaven", and featured a movie-length pilot episode that basically remade the movie, only with the budget of a syndicated tv show. Pathetic right? You have no idea... Needless to say the show was a complete pooper and all 4 episodes are now shown on the Sci-Fi Channel. So, to sum it up, THE CROW bares lots of action, plenty of mysticism, and even a "love conquers all" story that your girlfriend can get misty-eyed over while your jaw slacks at the action and kung-fu. Oh, and for anyone sad about Brandon's shuffling off of his mortal coil, not to worry, as he and his father Bruce spend their days beating each other with furniture here in the Underworld. Besides, Brandon's career wasn't exactly stellar, so just be glad I tookcare of him before he wound up like Steven Segal! Speaking of which, if anyone ever tells you, "move and you're dead", then you reply, "I say I'm dead and I move". Then, while they sit there baffled as Hell, throw your shoe at them... Emilio Estevez falls for that trick everytime!

Sequels: THE CROW: CITY OF ANGELS; THE CROW: SALVATION

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK or HIGHLANDER