Sure, Kevin Smith's brand of humor is that of "Beavis and Butthead", provided the duo went to church and had college educations, but hey, that's what I want! I want intelligent "dick and fart" humor damn it, so I like Kevin Smith! Besides, he brings a human side to his movies, something that the average teenager or college student can relate to and see the comedy within it. It's just too bad that DOGMA is his only movie that qualifies for entrance into the Hall of Judgment, or I'd plaster CLERKS, MALLRATS, and CHASING AMY right up here with it! I'm a big fan of the guy's work, which I should be, considering it's aimed at the comicbook reading, STAR WARS watching, fast food eating people of the world, but I digress. For this flick, Smith centers on the controversial topic of religion, as he lampoons the Catholic faith while bringing us a story of renegade angels, ala THE PROPHECY, as well as dropping a nice helping of action with a side of violence at just the right times! After a funny-as-a-platypus disclaimer, we bear witness as an old man on the boardwalk of Ashbury Park New Jersey is assaulted by a posse of rollerblading hooligans! Trust me, this is important later on. On the other side of town, in Red Bank New Jersey, the enterprising Cardinal Glick (none other than Mr. Religion Mocker himself, George Carlin) has come up with a way to bring people back to the Catholic flock, courtesy of his "Catholicism - WOW!" program! The whole idea is to make the faith "cool" to the youngsters, including the booting out of the old crucifixion image of Christ, replaced by the new "Catholicism - WOW!" mascot: the Buddy Christ! HAHAHAHAHA! Meanwhile, in Milwaukee Wisconsin, we are introduced to the fallen angels Loki (Matt Damon) and Bartleby (Ben Affleck), who are hanging out at an airport while Loki makes a nun give up her faith, simply by waxing intellectual on the hidden meanings of "Alice's Adventures Through the Looking Glass"! When Loki and Bart hear about Cardinal Glick's plans, they learn of a loophole it provides them that could get the two of them back into Heaven! Still elsewhere, in McHenry Illinois, a Catholic abortion doctor (talk about your contradictions) named Bethany starts questioning her faith and a sinister mofo named Azrael (played by the hilarious Jason Lee) sets up shop in a suburban home... after killing it's owner. As for Beth, she gets a visit from (and extinguishes) the burning British angel Metatron, who tells her that it's her job to stop Loki and Bart from going about their plan to get into Heaven, because it would cancel God's decree, causing a ripple that would destroy existence as we know it! But, Beth's not alone, as she is joined by the two "prophets" Jay and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith mainstays) who first meet her when they save her form the same trio of "Mighty Duck Fucks" that attacked the old dude in the beginning! The three heroes begin their quest, and are soon joined by another Heavenly agent: Roofus the 13th apostle (played by the in-your-face Eddie Murphy wanna-be, Chris Rock), left out of "the Book" (the Bible, not "Hustler") because he's black. On the way, our quartet stops at a strip club, where they meet an ex-muse/stripper (the fuckable, though annoying as shit, Selma Hayek) and then battle Azrael's pal the Golgotha: a living fecal elemental (a.k.a. "Excremental" or "Shit Demon") that is beaten by Silent Bob's sprayable air freshener! Meanwhile, those wacky guys Loki and Bart are up to their old Heavenly duties again as they do a little "righteous vengeance", killing numerous people, the most notable being the slaughter of a group of cartoon show executives! As fate would have it though, the two groups meet up on a train, though not realizing their paths have met until both sides are nice and shit-faced! Things get ugly though, which is soon remedied when Bob turns grade 'A' (as in "ass-kicker") on their seraphim butts, kicking Loki and Bart off the train, making the race to Jersey more heated than ever! Oh, and here's where Bart discovers his own blood lust and disgust toward humanity, turning into an official villain and not just a pretty boy angel who's just a little "misguided". Our heroes then exit the train, deciding it better to keep a low profile by staying on foot, as opposed to the much more convenient and FASTER train... yeah, makes sense. While they're camping out by a lake that night, Rufus tells us that Beth is actually the last Scion: the great (to the tenth power) grandniece of none other than the original hippy, Jesus Christ! But, it takes another visit from the water walking Metatron before she gets the self esteem needed to continue with the journey. Hell, if someone told me I was related to Jesus, I think I'd be pretty bummed out too, especially considering I'm an ancient God that outdates him... Az and his goons intercede around this point, taking our heroes hostage, and revealing his little plan. It seems that he's the one who manipulated Loki and Bart about the whole loophole thing. Seems also, that he WANTS to bring an end to all existence! Why? Hey, even oblivion is better than eternity in the subterranean lake of fire! And to keep God from interfering? Well, that's where the old guy from the beginning comes in. See, God is a fan of ski-ball. Once every so often, he takes the guise of a mortal so he may partake in his guilty arcade pleasure in the metropolis of ski-ball: Ashbury Park. Well, as a mortal, he is vulnerable. So, this is when Az decided to send his snot- nosed street hockey dorks to attack, putting God into a coma, trapping him inside his broken mortal body so he can't foil Az's evil plan! This is where Bob, seizing the opportunity, clobbers Az right in his hairy chest with Cardinal Glick's holy 3 wood (it's a golf club the good Cardinal blessed in hopes of improving his game) allowing our heroes to escape and go stop Loki and Bart, who are now laying waste to the media gathered to cover the "Catholicism - WOW!" experience! Now, as part of their plan, Loki and Bart must cut off their wings to become human, then pass through the arches of the church to be forgiven for their sins, then get shot down by the ensuing police gunfire, thereby making them pure and letting them back into the pearly gates. Loki has done this already, taking the opportunity to get REALLY drunk (watch the movie for an explanation as to why God made it impossible for angels to consume alcohol), before pussying out and trying to stop the whole plan, giving the newly vindictive Bart reason to kill him. Then, as our little gang of misfits tries to stop Bart themselves, Beth finds the hospital housing God's human form, then unhooks the machine, "killing" Him and allowing Him to go back to His diety duties. First on the list of things to do? Kill Bart. God (Alanis Morisette?!) appears just as Bart's about to wrap up the plan, then, using Her voice (which humans can't hear, or their heads explode), she wastes the prick SCANNERS style! She then proceeds to make everything right again, even impregnating Beth (recently baron) like She did with that Virgin Mary broad. Everyone lives happily ever after, the Catholics actually win out in the end, and we learn that God does wonders with getting bloodstains out of white cotton shirts. Kevin Smith, what a guy! Give an artist a lot of money, and he will make even greater art... or run off with the cash and buy some drugs and hookers. Either way, I'm entertained! However, when reflecting on this astounding flick, paved with good special FX, intelligent story, and the finest in high class toilet humor, there are three things to remember: 1) Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. 2) There's nothing worse that watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep. 3) Mass Genocide's the most exhausting activity anyone can engage in... next to soccer.

Sequels: Not really...

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: MALLRATS or THE PROPHECY