Yet another entry into the "video games just don't make good movies" catagory, DOUBLE DRAGON is based upon the video game series of the same name. The series follows the adventures of brothers Billy and Jimmy Lee, a couple of martial arts masters that use their kung-fu skills to clean up the mean streets and rescue whoever's in danger at the time, usually a girlfriend or girlfriends. The movie is, well, not so different, but different enough that people like me aren't amused. On the other hand, it pretty much sucks all together anyway, bad adaptation or not... especially when they star Scott Wolf.

Our story begins thousands of years ago in ancient China, before Nintendo even existed. The ruling king at the time sacrifices himself for the creation of a mystic medallion that would defeat the dark forces threatening his people. He chopped the gaudy piece of enchanted jewelry into two, bestowing each of his sons with a half in order to keep it from falling into "the wrong hands", you know, evil villainous despotic powers who would use such an item such as that to rule the world or destroy it... the typical movie bad guy, like the one in this film. One of the pieces allows mastery of the body, while the other allows mastery of spirit and each contain a dragon insignia, hence the title: DOUBLE DRAGON. Ok, that was the background fill-in segment of our show, now let's get to the meaty center...

We open now, "somewhere in China", as some marauding kung-fu Chinese guys in black assault a village of monks in search of one of the medallion pieces, discovering it in a nearby cave... great hiding spot guys, would you at least put a door on the cave and pad lock it?! Or put the Club on it... just do something to actually keep people from just waltzing in and stealing the fucking thing! Idiot monks... Later on, back in the city of New Angeles 2007, "After the Big Quake", the narrator of our opening sequence also turns out to be our villain (must be the budget didn't have room for a seperate guy just for narration): Koga Shuko (a non-melting, non-alien Robert Patrick). Kog(ashuko) is rather unhappy that he's only got one half of the ancient fashion accessory, which he takes out on his loyal subjects. Okay, the half he does have allows him to become an intangible shadow creature that cannot be hurt yet can be made solid so as to grip things... and he's still not satisfied?! Elsewhere in LA, err, I guess that'd be NA now, KARATE KID wanna-bes Billy and Jimmy Lee compete in a martial arts tournament... and lose when Billy decides to play around instead of beat some ass. Afterwards, hotheaded Billy beats up the guys they lost to. Before you know it, the whirlwind action comes to a head as George Hamilton and Vanna White cover the day's top stories and Andy Dick sprays the weather on us... heh heh, "Dick sprays". Turns out that the good ol' town of NA has a curfew of 7pm. However, unlike most curfews where the cops will beat you like a crackhead if they find you on the streets, in NA the cops just curl up and hide in their donut shops, leaving the criminals in charge of the streets until daybreak... what a compromise.

Billy and Jimmy and their Chinese chick amigo Sartori (who I shall refer to as "Clitori" for comedic purposes from this point on) get caught after curfew and wind up in a car chase with a gang of thugs lead by the big mohawked Abobo and his sidekick, the guy from the "Weird Science" TV show! If you look closely, you'll probably get the same impression I did, "they got those cars from the SUPER MARIO BROS. prop department!", though I don't think that's true, it does seem like a BIG possibility. Not the best auto racers in the world, our heroes wind up stuck in an alley. With their backs to the wall and a gang of socially angry Mohicans to their fronts, our heroes prepare for a rumble... which never happens thanx to the invervention of Power Corps: a vigilante gang of kids lead by Marian Delario (Alyssa Milano in a short bleach job and graffito gear... and minus a brazier *slurp*slurp*slurp*) who are out there doing what the cops can't at night: fight crime. When the boys and Clitori get back home, it's revealed to the audience that Clitori was actually a friend of the boys' dad. When he died, he asked Clitori to look after the brothers... and the other half of the medallion! Didn't see that comin did ya? Then you are obviously a moron. Problem is, she hid the other piece in China, so somehow I bet that Kog and friends are going to be knocking on the Lees' door very soon... if they don't we won't have a movie! Luckily, the antagonists do show up in a scene that I can only describe as HOME ALONE KICKBOXER 7... funny since the guy playing Jimmy was in a KICKBOXER flick anyway. Billy and Jimmy escape the raid on their home, but sady for them their longtime friend Clitori dies in the resultant explosion... and worst of all, there goes all their stuff too!

With the medallion still beyond his grasp, Kog decides to get the warring gangs of NA together, under his leadership naturally. The leader of the Maniacs gang (Michael Berryman of THE HILLS HAVE EYES!) is against the idea, and he winds up strangled by the sinister shadowboxer Koga. I'd like to take a quick time out to ask who the genius nose cone mofo is that came up with these gang names! Is he the same guy who came up with the NFL names?! The Mohawks? The Maniacs?! Boy, how "cool" can you be. I'm sure if they made a sequel to this, the gangs would be the Xtreme, the Hitmen, and the Maniacs will return, only they'll be bad ass and spell their names "the Maniax"... damn the XFL is still fun to make fun of... heh heh. So, now all the gang members are together and Billy and Jimmy have every skinhead, rastafarian, gangbanger, punk, thug, goon, clown AND Kamikaze mailman in town after them, just like the game... except forthe clowns and mailmen. So, in desperate need for back-up (and to check out Alyssa Milano's erect nipplers some more) B + J head to Power Corps HQ. Marian is more than glad to help, and she even offers to help the bros. raid Koga's skyscraper fortress! That's the kinda woman I want: willing to risk her life for me and wear nothing but tight green shirts with no bras... mmmmmm, tangy!

The raid on the bad guy lair winds up a disaster, as Marian finds out her police chief father has been making deals with Koga and the heroes don't even get the other half of the medal for their troubles. What they do get is a ride into the basement, where they battle Koga, who possesses the bodies of a zombie basketball player and a crazy metal mutant cyber-corpse! Jimmy winds up captured while Billy and Marian escape. Now the two potential butt buddies gotta figure out how to rescue Jimmy. Meanwhile, Koga reveals another un-shocking tidbit of info: he was the one who killed daddy Lee. To make matters worse, Power Corps' hideout is sieged by Koga and his goons in search of the second medallion piece! In the resultant ruckus, Koga's femme fatale sidekick Lash uses a horrible "Who's the Boss" line on Marian... I feel ill, but seeing two hot pieces of pussy rolling around with each other cures that nice and quick! Also, at one point Jimmy appears, claiming to have escaped Koga's clutches... in a scene we the audience were obviously not privy to... I smell a classic Hollywood double cross. Just like clockwork Jimmy reveals that he's actually possessed by Koga, who proceeds to the beat Billy (and a "Double Dragon" arcade machine, heh heh) stupid... oh wait, that was a pre-existant condition, nevermind. Billy lucks out though, as his damn medallion piece finally kicks in, making him more UNBREAKABLE than Bruce Willis. Butterfingers he is, the boofball drops the damn thing and Koga catches it, combining the two halves of the necklace and becoming the invincible Shadow Master: a samurai psycho demon that splits into twins to battle both brothers at the same time.

Just when it looks like the boys are about to croak like FROGS, Marian proves she's not just a pair of yummy tits and an ass you'd love to dick slap as she utilizes her head and turns all the lights in the Power Corps' warehouse HQ on, eliminating all of the villain's shadow powers and allowing the heroic siblings to regain the medallions, making them the Double Dragons... who wear Rhinestone Cowboy kung-fu superhero uniforms... you sure this is New Angeles and not New Francisco? Using their powers of homoerotic costumes and not-so-impresive acrobatics and flying feet, they beat the modern day warlord senseless. Also, the medallion allows Billy to possess the bleach blonde baddie, making him make an ass out of himself and donate LOTS of cash to the city of NA before giving himself up to the cops, who show up just in time to be of no use what-so-ever. All that's left os for everyone to celebrate and be happy and shit. As for the fuckulent Marian, she becomes the meat in a Lee sandwhich... wish they'd show THAT scene!

This was a very painful experience. I can't tell if they're aiming to entertain the kids, the guys, or the 24 year old fat guys who still live in their mom's basement with old Nintendo posters papering the walls. I was confused and annoyed and disappointed to see Michael Berryman had such a small role. Robert Patrick wasn't bad as the deviant Koga, but Robert Patrick never puts out much more than a mediocre performance, whatever the movie. The lead roles of Jimmy and Billy were very bad, especially since I'm jealous/hateful of Scott Wolf. As I've stated numerous times in this review, Milano was the best. Her acting won't win any awards, but I think her tits are up for an Oscar sometime soon! Her outfit was insane! That shirt was so damn tight you could see BLATANT nipples! I'm talking areolas and all the right angles! My unholy Death God phallis is filling with blood just remanising! Ah Milano, the natural substitute for Viagra. As for the setting of the film, I'd have to say that New Angeles looks a LOT like the delapidated remains of Los Angeles in John Carpenter's ESCAPE FROM LA. The only real differance is that New Angeles is more lighthearted, with an early '90s groove hip hop atmosphere. Flee is you see Vanilla Ice though, he hasn't eaten in over a decade and may have gone cannibal by now...

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: MORTAL KOMBAT or STREET FIGHTER