Far from being the best kung-fu movie ever thrown together, MORTAL KOMBAT IS probably the best big screen adaptation of a video game you're likely to find (note: this comes before the release of TOMB RAIDER, so the title of "best video game adaptation" may be lost by the time you read this). The game of the same name was one of the controversial games from that whole "do video games equal real life copycat violence" those fat cat dick munchers in Congress were pointing fingers at in the early '90s (another of which was "Doom", which is rumored to be on the path to cinematic adaptation sometime in the future). But, despite all their bad mouthing of the graphic fighting game ("graphic" because it was the first fighting game to employ excessive violence and gore... though I hardly think that red pixels count as "graphic"), Congress only helped Midway's sales, as "Mortal Kombat" became one of the highest selling games of the period and a major selling point for Sega's Genesis gaming console... since the Super Nintendo version of MK cut out all the flying red pixels. Anyway greaseballs, I'm not a fucking history teacher, so let's get on with it, shall we?

Our film is actually based upon "Mortal Kombat" and it's first sequel (aptly titled "Mortal Kombat II"... durh) as it features characters from both. We open with our main protagonist Liu Kang, as young Liu has a bad dream. In it, he sees his naive young brother get his ass kicked by an older Chinaman. The older dude then says "Your brother's soul is mine. You're next!" before he turns into a CGI zombie and Liu wakes up with a load in his drawers and morning wood... pervert. Elsewhere, in the underworld of Hong Kong (ALL of Hong Kong is considered "underworld"), American special ops agent Sonya Blade hunts down the evil crime boss Kano, who not only killed her partner, but also has numerous outstanding parking tickets and littering fines to pay! I'm just kidding about those last two, heh heh. Important part here: that tin-faced bastard Kano is teamed up with the evil dude from Liu's nightmares: Shang Tsung. Across the globe, in the cradle of the Great Satan (A.K.A. Los Angeles), Hollywood action star Johnny Cage gets a visit from his old trainer (Shang in disguise) who tells him that in order to dispell recent rumors that he's a big faker of a martial artist, Mr. Cage must catch a boat in Hong Kong and enter a tournament that will re-establish his rep in Glitter Town. How can I explain Johnny Cage? Think of him as Steven Segal minus 100lbs. (20 of which being the ponytail)... in other words, he's an American Jean-Claude Van Damme... though his acting is just a little better.

It's not long before our trio of heroes (along with a mob of everyday fighter cannon fodder) wind up on Shang's dragon ghost ship and are on their way to the mysterious realm of "Outworld" to compete in the Mortal Kombat tournament. Liu is there to avenge his brother's death at Shang's hands, Sonya is there because she saw Kano board the ship, and we all know why Johnny's there. The three aren't alone in their quests though, as the God of Lightning and Kung-Fu, Rayden ( Christopher Lambert ), is there to protect them and make sure that Shang and his goons don't break the rules of the Mortal Kombat tourney, as established by the Godz themselves. Rayden also serves to lay out some background on the tournament too. Turns out that the match is held once every generation. Shang Tsung and his evil leader Emperor Shao Khan want to invade the Earth realm with their army of villains, but to do so they must win 10 straight MK tournaments... and I thought the parallel parking part of my driver's license test was unnecessarily hard! So, so far the baddies have 9 under their belts... 9 inches?! Wow, that IS impressive... uhm, anyway, Lui, Sonya and Johnny are the Earth's last hope for protection from the Outworld forces, since all those other guys that came with them are just as I said: fodder.

Upon arrival to the secluded island where the tournament is held, our trio decides to take a look around. They witness Shang's men in action, namely the ninjas Sub-Zero and Scorpion, as well as Shang's ringer, Goro. Goro is probably the film's best piece of eye candy too, as he is a 7ft tall, four-armed man beast with a dangerous overbite! One giant muppet whose ass you DON'T wanna stuff your arm into! The heroes also meet the lovely and mysterious Princess Kitana (Talisa Soto, who later went on to become VAMPIRELLA), adopted daughter of the ruthless deviant emperor Shao Khan. She doesn't seem all that evil, but when it comes down to it, is she friend or foe? Considering Khan killed her parents and took Outworld by force, turning it into a wasteland instead of the paradise it once was, I'd say she's on the side of Liu and friends... plus I've seen this movie before. For warm-ups, our good guys wail on some of Shang's faceless goons who all wear red hood masks and dark parachute pants... you know, the standard issue clones that the good guys beat the fuck out of like it's simple as buttering bread? Every martial arts villain has at the very least 20 or 30. The next day, what we've been waiting all this time for finally begins: the tournament.

Our first bout sees Liu battling a no-name jobber black dude, whose ass he kicks thusly. Afterwards, the loser's soul is then devoured by Shang Tsung... yes, he takes the losers' souls, just like Joe Esteves and Robert Z'Dar! The next battle is Sonya against the object of her desire/hatred: Kano. They smack each other around a while, until Sonya finishes it by breaking the prick's neck. Good riddance to him and that stupid accent! Now Johnny fights Scorpion, the yellow ninja. Scorpion's hand based spear dragon whip projectile and his ability to breathe fire prove too little, as the hero Cage defeats him with a flaming shield, leaving him with a "splitting" headache... I'm so witty. Afterwards, Liu spars a little with Kitana and she reveals the secret to defeating his next opponent: Sub-Zero. Sure enough, Liu and the blue ninja Sub-Zero duke it out, and Liu uses the brainwashed villain's own freezing powers against him, impaling him with a big ice spear. Then, Goro comes out to play, wasting all the fodder Earthlings and putting doubt in our heroes' minds. But, Johnny steps up to bat and does some serious Van Damme-age on the brute, punching him remorslessy in his big monster nutsac with his patented Cage Ballbreaker! Pretty boy then smacks Goro a fe wmore times before sending him over a cliff and to his demise... and his first defeat... though I doubt that mattered much to Goro during the course of his decent. But, knowing the big softies like Goro, I'm sure he shed a single tear before becoming a big greasy smudge on the cliff face.

With his ringer croaked, Shang makes a desperate gambit and swipes Sonya, taking her to the Emperor's castle, where he plans to fight her, defeat her and seal the Earth's fate. Liu and Cage follow and combat the green ninja Reptile who, as you can probably guess, is a lizard man. But, not only is he a lizard, but he vomits acid! Liu takes the flipping bastard out with his patented bicycle kick, my favorite cheap shot of the game! After the bout, Princess Kitana joins them and guides them to the inner sanctum of the vile sorcerer. Here Liu challenges Shang Tsung to final comabt... escuse me, "kombat", and the two battle on the MK dragon logo for the fate of the Earth realm. Despite his tricks and illusions, Shang ultimately meets the fate of all kung-fu warlords: death on a bed of iron spikes. The villain dies, all the souls he's stolen over the centuries are released (including Liu's brother), vengeance is served and the Earth is saved. But, just when it seems like the heroes have a "Flawless Victory" after a hard day's work, the sky above them opens up and the Emperor Shao Khan makes his intensions known! Basically, he's there to kick some Earthling ass and eat a buffet of souls! Our heroes jump into collective fighting stances and the film ends on a "if this flick makes back half the money we spent on it, we're gonna make a sequel" scene. Then the credits role and the best video game adaptation to date is over... even if it does end on a rather corny note.

Basic breakdown looks like this: the fight choreography was good, especially for an American flick, which usually features low grade second rate fist throwing like Chuck Norris and Steven Segal. It's not up to the test of a Hong Kong actioner, but hey, it's impressive none-the-less. The special FX were kinda on and off. On the one hand, the CGI was pretty high grade, but on the other hand, it was CGI after all. The best part FX wise though, would have to be the scene where Shang steals a guy's soul, trapping it in through his eye. The worst? The lizard form of Reptile. The acting was about as good as you'd expect from a bunch of no names: stricly B. Though I love Christopher Lambert and he does get into the wacky side of Rayden, it's still not gonna win him an Academy Award. The worst instance of "acting" was the exchange between Liu and Shang (disguised as Liu's brother at the time). It's like, Liu speaks real good English up until he sees his brother, then he just loses any acting talent he might have had before. The music was good, as the crazy fast techno shit worked well when the fighting started, and that Mortal Kombat theme was actually very catchy.

The set pieces were good, I'd go so far as to say they were startling at times. Everything from an island paradise to a twisted boneyard of sharp sticks and platforms (Scorpion's lair). Probably the part that made all the fan boys like myself giddy like school girls getting ass fucked by the cute English teacher, was the classic Mortal Kombat lines from the game. Most of which were delivered by Shang, such as "Flawless Victory", "Fatality", and of course, "Finish Him". Finally, the story. The writers did great here, and I condemn them... err, commend them. The game's plot was simple: beat people up and prove yourself the winner, plain and simple with lots of violence. The movie writers stuck with pretty much the same idea, adding just enough extra plotline to keep the audience interested and make it an almost legitimate film! Like my high school Biology teacher used to preach: "Keep It Simple Stupid!".

Sequels: MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION

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