I hate French people. I hate them a lot. I don't know why, I just find French people to be snooty and stinky and cowardly. I know my human vessel has never been to France, so he can't really back up his claims for why we hate French people, but I'm the God of Death and Embalming and I've slaughtered many a Frenchy, and believe you me, every claim I make is true. The people piss in the streets for Fuck's sake! You don't know nasal Hell until you've embalmed a French person. They're as rancid on the inside as they are on the outside! Blegh! However, in spite of the French people, their culture does have it's high points. For instance, their cinema is exquisite. I'm not talking about those flicks where gay mimes sit around eating pudding (as opposed to the gay cowboys of American independent cinema), but shit like CITY OF LOST CHILDREN and this film, THE FINAL COMBAT (Frenchly called LA DERNIER COMBAT), prove that the French do serve a purpose: to occasionally entertain obscure American movie critics who live with their parents and think they're deities... Enough about me, let's talk about THE FINAL COMBAT.

Here we have a post-apocalyptic flick, not too much unlike MAD MAX or WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND. Nuclear war has devastated the planet and only a handful of survivors are left to pick through the rubble and do their best to survive. However, this time there's a little something extra to add to the suffering of the survivors: the radiation has left everyone left on Earth without the ability to speak. Yep, apparently American nuclear technology is made with the concept in mind that, if we can't kill all the French people, then at least we can shut up the ones who live through it! So much for your funny talking and bad mouthing us you frog leg munching, wine sipping pricks! USA! USA! USA! USA! National pride aside, there's another unique prospect about this "future gone to the shitter" flick: it's entirely in black & white... for some reason I enjoy b&w films, it seems to make them classier, like CASABLANCA, CITIZEN KANE, or the first two GODZILLA installments. Yep, in my world, black & white = artsy! Well, except for ERASERHEAD... what was up with that shit?! Anyway, to recap, we've got a black & white French flick with no dialogue... some of you may feel the ol' "fight or flight" instinct, but I ask that you stay and at least read the review. Who knows, maybe you'll be intrigued enough to check THE FINAL COMBAT out yourself and become enlightened such as I have!

As I was saying, the future sucks. Such is the case for our hero, whose name we never learn, so I will therefore call him Frenchy. Given the guy's mannerisms and way of dress, I think the only way to truly describe him is to say that he's basically a French Eskimo. Women in the future wasteland are scarce, as is often the case in these situations... ovaries must react badly to nuclear fallout. Either way, Frenchy's got no woman, so he has to open the movie fucking a blow up doll. Women or not it's good to see that rubber chicks are still there for us lonely guys! Frenchy then goes about his daily routine of foraging and poking around the debris that was once civilization. He then returns to his burned out office apartment, where he reads, he dabbles, he sticks his hands in his armpits ("and them I smell them like this!") and he tinkers with what looks to be a homemade airplane put together with household items. Elsewhere in Oblivion, a band of radioactive hobos who live in a caravan of abandoned cars a waken to the sunshine's deadly rays and send their little bitch man (you know, every social group has a bitch... unless you're it, then you're in denial about it and don't even realize it) out into a nearby sewer/reservoir to gather water for everyone. Ah, nice to know that even in the blown out nuclear Hell of the future you can still get room service before noon! Frenchy's little trips into the wilderness find him amongst the savage car people's territory. Like a thief in the night he kills one with a homemade lance and swipes a few engine parts before escaping into the wastelands and back to his abode.

The car people aren't much for sharing, so they stalk the French Eskimo back to his lair and come knockin' on his door... with a car axle. But, by the time they get inside they're already too late, as Frenchy has hopped aboard his completed "Bob Villa Do-It-Yourself Kit" aircraft and is well on his way to who knows where, all highlighted by some groovy and happenin' tunes on the soundtrack. This is definitely some feel good music here! The focus shifts now, to an undisclosed location where an ugly ugly man I'll call Leon (since he's played by Jean Reno, who played Leon in THE PROFESSIONAL) apparently attempts to barter with a guy who's locked himself up in a little fortress of solitude. He offers the old guy a box of canned food (one of which is apparently Primus in SOYLANT GREEN form), though what he wants in return I have no idea. Either way Leon gets screwed as the old guy swipes the box and locks the hapless Leon out... crafty old people, you know I hate 'em. You'd be surprised how many try to cheat me at Shuffleboard just so they can live a few more months. Fuck, even if they win I still kill 'em! Don't look at me like that, I can't afford to lose any of my contracts just because these geezers have a few tricks up the sleeves of their big ugly sweaters! And why do they have to wear those damn things all the time?! I mean, even when it's 90 degrees out I can't look left or right without seeing a senior wearing a heavy wool sweater and matching slacks! Do they have AC in their damn Depends or what?!... yeah, so like I was saying, Leon gets screwed... figuratively, not literally.

Back to Frenchy, his little personal pan plane runs out of gas and he has to make an abrupt landing amongst some bombed out ruins. The accident catches the interest of a group of thugs in gas masks and cloaks (same outfit I wore to my prom). Frenchy evades their snoopy eyes though and the next morning he explores the nearby city remains, where he sets himself up in a nice new apartment. Very new age too, with all the modern conveniences, like radiation and non-running water. Back to Leon again, he tries to one up the old guy, who I'll refer to as, uhm, let's say "Stiffy". Yeah, that'll work. However, age beats ugly once more as Stiffy again remains the artful Dodger, suckering Leon with a second line of defense and humiliating him yet again. It's kinda like a real life Sylvester and Tweety situation here! We leave these walking, talking, well, "walking" anyway, cartoons to their own devices while we check up on Frenchy again. By now he's comfortably settled into his new digs and is giving himself a house warming party, complete with getting drunk on toilet wine and crying to some jazzy sax music... then it rains fish... don't ask... cuz it's funnier if I don't explain! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Later on, after sobering up a little, Frenchy decides to patrol his new neighborhood. Then, all of a sudden, he's attacked by Leon! The two brawl it out prison yard style, with Frenchy ultimately getting his ass kicked, BADLY I might add. Placing his tail firmly between his buttocks, Frenchy then escapes, followed by cheesy piano music that just makes your heart bleed for him all the more.

While stumbling around his new 'hood in excruciating pain, Frenchy stumbles into Stiffy's abode... so, Leon can't get in there no matter how hard he tries, yet Frenchy, completely by accident, manages to waltz in without a second thought?! Boy, what's that say about the villain?! Oh well, at least he can still kick the shit out of Frenchy, low IQ or not! Anyway, probably in the hopes of gaining an allie against Leon, Stiffy patches up our silent hero, Stiffy was apparently a doctor before the nuclear apocalypse, hence why he lives in a hospital. Could that be what Leon's after: medical supplies? Whatever the case, Stiffy and Frenchy share a dinner of fish and wine while that punk Leon also feasts on fish... in Frenchy's apartment, which he's taken for his own in Frenchy's absence. For dessert, Frenchy and Stiffy do hits of what I'm guessing is Nitrous (good ol' laughing gas, chases the tears away! heh heh) before sharpening their skills and keeping in shape with the ultimate slacker sport: ping pong! Actually, that's not the ultimate slacker sport. The ultimate slacker sport is video game miniature golf. Hey, taking the sport with the least strenuous amount of activity required and making it even LESS strenuous is the ultimate slacker triumph! As for our heroes, after they get down with the pong, they engage in some arts and crafts. Back to Leon, he keeps on keepin' on, attempting still to bust in through Stiffy's front door(s). He tries repeatedly and fails repeatedly... nevermind the Sylvester and Tweety thing, this is turning into Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner! If Leon comes at them brandishing an Acme Ass-Whomper, I'm gonna laugh till my spleen leaps out of me and cuts off my fucking head!... okay, maybe that just didn't make any sense, but you get the idea... I think.

Let's leave Leon to his failures though, and check back with Frenchy and Stiffy. After blindfolding Frenchy and leading him down a labyrinth of numerous corridors, Stiffy introduces Frenchy to his greatest possession: a lovely young woman (perhaps his daughter)! Let's call her, uhm, what the Hell, let's call her Mary. Hey, maybe this is what Leon's after! Yeah! The only thing that would cause a guy to go through all that Looney Tunes shit would have to be some a slice of pussy pie! Ah, sex, the ultimate motivator. Ah sex, the answer to, and cause of, all society's problems. Wow, Frenchy's got a friend, a potential lady, shelter and plenty of provisions. Looks like his life's going pretty good! Well, being a French film, his little house of happy cards is due for a collapse... That day comes soon enough, as Stiffy is struck down in a rain of debris (possibly hail?) and killed. Now it's up to Frenchy to bring Mary her food and possibly form some kind of sexual relationship, now that Stiffy's out of the picture! But, when he goes to feed his lady, he finds someone far less attractive: Leon... and he's got a sword! Let the funky disco chase music begin! This is where the "Final Combat" comes is, as Leon and Frenchy have a rematch. Avenging his previous loss, Frenchy comes back with a vengeance, throttling the evil Leon to death with a coat tree of some kind... hey, in a fight in a post-apocalyptic flick you take what you can get! Victorious, Frenchy heads back to Mary's room, probably in hopes of a congratulatory screw. Instead he finds horror, because Mary's been mutilated and murdered by Leon, that asshole. Hmmmm, maybe she wasn't what he was after... unless she was just too strong for him to rape properly. Being the Wile E. Coyote character, I wouldn't be shocked if he got his ass kicked by a woman. HA-HA!

Triumphant in one way, yet soundly defeated in another, Frenchy kinda breaks even and decides to head home. Returning to his homemade plane with a fresh supply of fuel in tow, our hero prepares for the trip back to his old burned out apartment... I'm sure his blow up doll missed him. When he gets back he's a changed man. That inflatable pussy isn't enough for his French Eskimo desires, so he pays a little visit to the junkyard mafia again. This ain't no social call though, as he pops their leader with a flare gun! He also sets the water gatherer bitch man free too before claiming dominion over the group... and the ex-leader's personal lady friend! Claiming dominion over her should be fun, heh heh. Ah, in the end it all works out and Frenchy gets a happy ending after all. He grew a set of balls and even found a woman to unload them in. The future's not such a bad place after all!

I was so surprised by this film. I thought it'd turn out to be stupid, especially since there nobody had to deliver any lines... and let's not forget this is from the land of baguettes and croissants. However, by eliminating the dialogue, the actors have to convey themselves completely through their actions and expressions. In addition, this prevents the health hazards of bad acting and uncomfortable dubbing! It must not've been hard for the company who released this film in the US too, considered they didn't have to change it AT ALL! Yep, they didn't even bother to translate the opening credits. The only thing they had to do was buy the rights and redistribute the videos, nothing else. I liked the burned out settings and the costumes are very ROAD WARRIOR, as everyone is decked out in whatever they could grab and protect themselves with. FINAL COMBAT is one of the best "grim future" flicks I've seen and it's sad that it doesn't get the attention it should. All in all, it's the best non-Australian apocalypse film in existence! And that's all I gots to say about that... The film's director, Luc Besson, would later go on to direct sci-fi blockbuster THE FIFTH ELEMENT, as well as cult action faves LA FEMME NIKITA and the Jean Reno magnum opus THE PROFESSINAL! Hey, with movies like those under his belt now, why isn't there a DVD or at least a vidoe re-release for THE FINAL COMBAT!? The world's definitely an unfair ball o' shit if ya ask me! Anyway, culture yourself a little and look for THE FINAL COMBAT at any second hand dirt video stores near you.

Sequels: not that I know of...

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: CITY OF LOST CHILDREN or MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME