Okay, time for episode three of the FDTD series. Will it be the last? No one knows, but I sure as Hell hope not! Once again, Tarantino and Rodriguez are on only as executive producers, with directing chores being passed on to Mr. P.J. Pesce, who fills the rather large shoes quite well! Yet another prequel of the first movie, this one is set much farther back in history than TEXAS BLOOD MONEY, going all the way back to cover the origin of Selma Hayek's "Princess Satanico Pandemonium" character from the original FDTD. It's soon after the US Civil War, and American writer Ambrose Bierce (an atheist alcoholic who treats missionaries like I do, just without the disemboweling) seeks to go to Mexico and join the army of the infamous desert rat Poncho Villa. Meanwhile, some criminal named Johnny Madrid is about to be hung, and I'm talking in the good way guys! But, with the last minute intervention by an amigo (ala THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY) and Johnny's boot knives, Madrid escapes, with the Hangman's daughter Esmerelda in tow! When the dirty faced chick that shot out Madrid's noose comes around looking for thanks, Maddy does the whole "you talkin' to me?" thing in Spanish, then Maddy and his gang decide to rob Bierce and steal the prized object he's apparently planning to give to Poncho Villa. Protecting Bierce's ass is the stagecoach's shot gunner: a real cool blind dude who's a fucking sharpshot! Sadly though, one cool blind dude isn't enough to stop Johnny's gang, and they overtake the coach! Johnny gets screwed though, when we learn that the gift Bierce was referring to was himself... yeah, I'm sure Poncho would love to find an old man under his Christmas tree... maybe he just gives good head, or can sing show tunes while drinking vodka... anyway, Johnny and crew depart, leaving their victims pretty much unharmed. Bierce and the missionary couple then make their way through the desert, where they happen upon a conveniently placed bar... bet they do a LOT of business in the middle of nowhere! This is, of course, the future site for the now infamous "Titty Twister" bar, complete with the same bartender of the first two flicks: Razorblade Charlie! The locale is called La Tetilla De Diablo, for all you FDTD completists and fan boys. Soon, business is booming, as, despite being located in the middle of the Godz damned desert, everyone in Tiero Del Fucking Negro shows up! In addition to Bierce and the missionaries, we also have a traveling salesman, Johnny and his gang, as well as the Hangman and his posse! Middle of nowhere my hairy ebon ass! Well, it all breaks down from here, as the usual FDTD acts of violence and rioting ensue. As always, former enemies must become partners as left and right they all start getting bitten and mauled by a variety of fanged beasties. After a lot o' bloodshed and a dash of tango, our core group of heroes make their way to safety in the basement, with Bierce playing the voice of reason to settle the feuds for now. Turns out the vampire queen is also Esmerelda's mom, so she is half vampire (hence why her father's kept her shut up and beaten into submission), and her people want her back! So, they finally catch our group, transforming Essy into Princess Satanico and planning to eat the rest. However, Johnny's boot knives save the day once more, as he and the only other survivor, Bierce, make their way out into the sunlight, then going off to join Poncho's army as originally planned. The vamps ii this flick were great and numerous in variety, like the ones in the first picture, including the awesome reptilian one! Good acting all around, and again, the camera work of Mr. Pesce was great, even startling at times! Keep an eye on this guy, he does great things with horror! Finally, the moral of our story is: even out in the middle of the dessert, no matter where you put a whore house, business is constantly booming! Just look at Las Vegas.

Sequels: So far, this is the last installment of the series.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT or BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA