Don't you hate it when all movies start to look the same? You've had it up to your fleshy jugular with all the slasher flicks that don't even try to be different, instead turning out to be a badly made HALLOWEEN, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, or FRIDAY THE 13TH? You sit there in the video rental store, on the brink of going to the "Drama" section and picking up THE JOY LUCK CLUB simply because you've seen everything horror has to offer?! Well, sometimes something new and off-handedly different comes along on the Direct-to-Video shelves, trying to be new and in a league all it's own, possibly to inspire others to make cheap rip-offs of it too. Well, HELLMASTER proved itself to be somewhat different to me, and here's my stance on the movie: sometimes repetition isn't so bad after all.

Our story opens with a lot of opening narration (as opposed to middle or finishing narration), informing us of an experiment funded by the US in hopes of advancing our military back in 1969. Using an abandoned church as their base of operations, the US funded "the Nietzsche Experiment" helmed by Professor Jones, which was supposed to create a drug that would allow US troops full access to their own brains, opening the gateway for such things as telekinetic powers and hyper-intellect. But, as with all government funded "top secret military advancement projects" something goes wrong. In this case, Prof. Jones gets his funding cut off (as opposed to other, more painful things) when Uncle Sam thinks the plan's too much of a risk. But, ever dedicated to his country and the ability to bring harm to his fellow man, Jones continues his experimentation under his own funding, aiming for human testing... this probably isn't the most humane idea, since the drug has already caused serious defformation and addiction amongst lab animals. Going on without the financial support of our tax dollars, the Prof. kidnaps students from the nearby college campus to practice with. This is all brought to an end when some dude in a beard wearing backpack shoots him in the head.

FF>> to "Twenty Years Later", where it's business as usual on that same fatefull campus, and the whole incident with Jones back in '69 ("no time for love Dr. Jones") is chalked up to an accidental fire. But, thanx to our new reporter friend (who's never given a name other than, "the Reporter") we learn that the local hobos and derelicts have been getting hooked on a new drug called, "the Reward". The guy offering them this so-called reward is the HELLMASTER (our title villain), who turns out to be Professor Jones... oh come on, you knew it was gonna be him! Turns out that the bearded dude didn't shoot Jones (obviously) but a doppelganger that Jones created with his new mental powers! Along with Jones are his minor legion of mutant followers, the only 4 people to survive his new drug: 2 guys, a babe, and a nun... that's right, a drug addicted and freakishly mutated nun! Now, armed with their big grey "Happy Face Bible School" bus, the HELLMASTER and his goons go about the college campus, killing off some students and tempting others, though for a college campus, the student body is rather small... hmmmm, must be a mid-semester break.

On the plus side of this homocidal rampage, at least no REAL actors are being killed off, though I begin to ponder just how powerful these bastards' telepathic powers are. Normally I'd just go along with the concept, but since they're doing most (if not ALL) of their killing with their sickled billy clubs and triple-dose syringes (packed with the evil chemicle), you gotta figure that they can't be too adept in the "kill people with your mind" department. As with the majority of "cut to the finish" horror flicks, HELLMASTER does not sway, hacking down student after naive student, even killing off our friend the Reporter! The remaining heroes get the bright idea to inject the freaks with their own surprise: vials of unadulterated acid! No, I'm not talking about LSD (though Timothy Leary's ear poked up like a greyhoud there for a second) but good ol' fashioned hydrochloric acid like mom used to make! However, in a bit of Faustian tragedy, the group's crippled member gives in to Jones's offer of a new pain-free life, becoming one of the mutants himself! This gets incredibly funny though, when the girl to whom the cripple had affections, beats the now evil gimp to death with his own crutch!

Finally, to bring about an end to this unrelenting terror, our heroine Shelley (who also happens to be psychic) shoots herself up on some of the Nietzsche drug in an effort to heighten her own mental powers and battle Jones. However, while they have their beating of the minds, it winds up being a young girl (one of our only survivors) wielding a syringe full of acid (remember, the painful kind) that takes out Jones, turning him into a pile of flaming goo. With all of Jones's zealot dead, Shelley, the little girl, and one other person survive, walking off into the sunset.

Though the story can trace it's roots back to other movies, including A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and the similar sounding HELLRAISER, HELLMASTER manages to provide something vaguely new in the fields of biological horror, drug addiction, and even theology (actually, as Nietzche said, God is dead... I embalmed him myself)! However, it's on pretty much ever other plane that the movie just stumbles like a snowball, starting small, but continuing down the hill until it becomes just too big to stop, bowling us over in the end with it's loads upon loads of bad acting, trivial make-up and gore FX, and weak soundtrack. Concerning the acting, it's on par with TROLL II as some of the worst attempts at making a living I have ever seen! The make-up, though deffinately bad at some points, was also successful on several levels. For instance, where as Jones's follower Joey looked like a disgruntled Garbage Pail Kid (that made me want to laugh more than cringe), Jones himself was done up pretty bad ass! Especially his wardrobe of the leather trenchcoat and the devices screwed into his forearms! Also, the nun was cool, though she could've used more screen time

Speaking of which, I would've liked to have seen some more character development done on our villains. Mutants are cool, but their backstories and motivations would've increased my interest in them ten fold! Like that guy "Bobby Razorface" for instance! Bobby does much of his attacking in this movie from the backseats of cars. Now, is this due to some kind of traumatic situation experienced in his lifetime, such as his mom attempting to pull a do-it-yourself abortion on him in the backseat of a car? Or possibly because he was just brutally dumped by his high school crush in one? I need to know more! Tell me about the backseeeeeeeeeeeeeat!!!!!!!! Possibly a growing feud with General Motors?! Maybe his grandmother died and fell on him when they were taking her to the hospital and young Bobby was only 5?! So many possibilities! Well, time's up for this review, gotta get my copy of THE JOY LUCK CLUB back before noon...

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: HELLRAISER or NIGHTSCARE