Let's say that you just won the big million dollar hulla-ba-loo on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire". Now, with this cool mil, how are you gonna spend it? You could buy many a luxurious house at which you could vacation at while hiding from the IRS. You could buy a fleet of automobiles, one for each day of the month! You could purchase a universal translator who would sit in your home all day and translate your imported "Dragonball Z" uncut VCDs because they weren't dubbed or subtitled onto English. You could buy every hooker in NYC for a year long orgy for all your friends! What ever your tastes, if I had a million bucks, I think I'd want to make a movie! Always a fan of the MAD MAX school of "Post-Apocalypse" sci-fi flicks, I'd set it in the near future, where the world has fallen victim to nuclear winter. Starring in my cheesy epic, I would cast a retired wrestler from my days as a child, when the WWF was the only game in town and the Rock was just a high school football player with an acne problem! Names like Koko B. Ware, Tito Santana, and "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff come to mind! Yes, I can see it now, Koko B. Ware battles an army of mutants and out of work punk rockers in the radiated fallout that was once Las Vegas! And I'll cast Rory Calhoun as Koko's plucky friend the Plutonium miner! I can see it all now...

Obviously New World Pictures and I have very similar tastes, as we see with their cult favorite HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN, which, to be cool, I will refer to from this point on as HC2F. HC2F (I am so cool) features former pro-wrestler "Rowdy" Roddy Piper as Sam Hell, our title character and hero-of-sorts. As our opening scene informs us, at some point in time 10 days of straight nuclear bombing will occur between the world's nations, leaving the planet a wasteland. You've seen this plot setting a thousand times before, so you should be able to grasp the concept with ease. It is now 10 years after the fatal bombings, and the nuclear fallout has left the majority of the male population shootin' blanks... and I ain't talking about their rifles, I'm talking about their "guns", if you know what I mean and I think you do (sorry Joe Bob, seemed appropriate). This is where our pal Sam comes in.

Sam Hell is one of the last fertile men on the planet, which makes his genitals a target for a governmental take over! After he's been captured (for crimes of rape and assault and other nefarious things guys like myself would do if they were legal), Sam is given one option: work for the goverment as a walking sperm bank. Hey, not such a bad gig right? The governemtn pays you to impregnante fertile women! It's kinda like being a porn star, only without all the lights and the pulling out. But, to complicate matters, since he's a big burly man, Sam must also head an expedition into the amphibius sin city of Frogtown. The mission? Sam, along with his female escorts Spangler (a nurse) and Centinella (a butch broad) and thei big pink armored truck, must break into the lair of the evil Commander Toadie and annex a populace of fertile females from his webbed clutches for Sam to knock up. What, you thought it was gonna be 86 minutes of Roddy Piper sticking it to some young babes?

If you haven't figured it out already, the inhabitants of Frogtown aren't your normal derelicts and rogues, but are actually all human/frog hybrid mutants, probably trying to reproduce the love people had for the Teenage Mutanta Ninja Turtles. The journey to Frogtown is through a harsh desert, which is made harsher by the bitch Spangler, whose job it is to keep Sam potent, by teasing him with little dances and shit, zapping him when he tries to do anything about it. Oh yeah, almost forgot, she zaps him using a hi-tech chastity belt that the government had strapped onto the horney Mr. Hell, which would not only zap him, causing him great pain if he got out of line, but it will also explode if Sam is seperated too far from the belt's radio control. The control is actually one of Spang's earrings. Not only does she not let Sam gets his meat on her, but he also denies it when Sam and the butch babe try having a midnight romp! Jeezus, I guess the old saying is true about how not even the most hardcore lesbian can go forever without some deep dickin' if she's experienced it before! But, it's not too long before Sam gets to let out his artillery, as the crew picks up a savage girl in the dessert who is plenty fertile and just waiting for a planting! After doping her up on spanish fly, Sam plows her fields and plants the crops! Looking on though, is a ribbitting man in a bee keeper's mask...

The following morning, the girl, now settled down after getting some necessary screwin', informs our heroes that she is an escaped prisoner of Toty's harem, and updates the good guys on the status of the girls. Then, now that she's been adequately seeded, Spangler sends the chick on her way back to the human outpost. Finally, our rescue party arrives in Frogtown, where Spang is required to disguise herself as a slave for Sam, which he's looking to sell off to the highest croaker. Here they meet up with Sam's ol' pal Lonney Tunes (get it? Well, not all jokes mean merry melodies...), a grizzled prospector played by Farmer Vincent himself, Rory Calhoun! Sam actually sells off Spang to Leroy: a fez garbed, swin-goggles wearing frog man, or would have, were it not for the intervening and violent interest of Toty's goon Lt. Bull! Sam gets his ass kicked and Spang is kidnapped.

When Sam wakes up again, he is in the arms of his contact in Frogtown, a frog woman named Arabella, who's really in the mood for some mammal meat *wink*wink*! After settling the slimy broad down, Sam goes about looking for Spang, getting himself trapped in the process. After re-awakening yet again, Sam finds himself under the imprisonment of Bull, who, after pronouncing Sam as "one weird dude", does some exploritory surgery on Sam's chastity belt with a chainsaw! Upon removal of the device, the things explodes in Bull's face, allowing Sam to break free, finishing Bull off with a big drill bit! Elsewhere in Toty's lair, SPang must perform the "Dance of the Three Snakes" in an effort to appease Toty and save her neck. Her striptease works, but when the fat frogger tries to move from the Dance of the Three Snakes to the Horizontal Mombo, Spang knees him in his three snakes! Sam then pops in, and with Lonney's help they escape with the captured harem girls to freedom.

But, to fill some more time, Sam must then finish off Toty and take out the evil arms dealing border guard (the ribbitting guy in the bee tending mask) before the mission can be ruled a true sucess and Sam can go onto his next job: makin' babies with the harem girls! Lucky for him that Spang (who he is now mutually in love with) isn't the jealous type! Lucky stiff.

HC2F is a good party movie, especially if you're H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S., but when you're watching it alone it falls apart. Roddy Piper gives out his usual over-the-top performance, which, much like Dennis Leary's stand-up, gets real annoying all too quick. As for Sandahl Bergman (who was also in another H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. favorite: ICE CREAM MAN), she does well as the bitchy, by-the-book Spangle, though I think she deffinately needs to lose those huge glasses when she's trying to do arousing dances. Everyone else in the cast was the standard B-movie fair, nothing special really, even ol' Rory, who's been much better in other roles (MOTEL HELL comes to mind). As for the setting, Frogtown is just an abandoned factory really, nothing all that special, as most of the city scenes take place inside buildings, giving the crew no need to make up something creative. Hey, even though it pretty much sucked gorilla nuts, the SUPER MARIO BROS. live action flick had an interesting neon nightmare with their underground city, putting a lot more effort into it than was every even considered for Frogtown. All in all though, HC2F is a fun if cheesy movie, worthy of viewing if only once. So, what would you do with your million dollars?

Sequels: RETURN TO FROGTOWN; TOAD WARRIOR

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: THEY LIVE or METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED SYN