Give the dog a bone... and yes, I DID have to make that joke. Speaking of dogs, what the Hell is this tightly coiled stack of dog shit?! I'd say it looks like a David Lynchian public service announcement for missing children (only without all the talent and vision), but that'd be an insult to David Lynch AND public service announcements for missing children! Then again, I'm almost moved to find these missing kids, if it means that no-talent, self-loathing community college film students will stop making it the subject of their homework assignments... such as I'm imagining is the case here. But, we all know I'm far too lazy to help kids, so maybe I'll just put a death warrant out for these pathetic students and just stop the movies with the more direct approach. It's not easy being the Egyptian God of Death and Embalming... though it is fun, that's a for sure!

The villain of our little educational film is Millaine. Millaine lives in the basement of a run down high school, scuttling about like a spider most of his days, awaiting his prey, picking his nose, and screaming at the camera. Millie gets his hands on a Goth girl who apparently strayed a little too close to his web of deceit, obviously lured by cries of help, the promise of candy, or the standard "did I just hear a noise?" slasher gimmick. Whatever it was it wasn't quite clear, as there's not real story here, simply badly edited snippets of film, like a Marilyn Manson video edited by a blind and retarded child. The majority of the pic is spent with Millie harassing the girl, screaming at her about his tortured existence and slapping her around a bit. Millie tosses us the occasional curve ball when he rants about worshiping Satan in his own goofy and overly dramatic way. He either kills the girl or she kills him, I'm not sure, again thanks to the incompetent "blind and retarded child" editing method.

As I've said, you can't tell just what the fuck is happening most of the time, as not only the editing is pathetic, but the guy responsible for the special FX went a little crazy with Photo Shop and played with the visual and audio the ENTIRE time, resulting in one big garbled, echoed blur that's hard on both the eyes AND the ears. The only advantage of this film? It was less than 7 minutes long. That's what I call a mercifully short, albeit incredibly painful, death. Knowing my luck though, you'll find me reviewing something else by this retard, like a $50 billion Hollywood release about the crash of the Hindenburg, the Chicago Fire, or "The Tom Arnold Show". Oh ye cruel fates, why must you mock me so! Would you like to partake in some of this pain and see just how bad this shit it? Well my fiend, click video box art below and you will be magically wisked away to a site where you can view this garbage for free! Come on, you didn't think you'd actually have to PAY to sit through this did you?!

Sequels: Hahahahahahahaha... in other words, I really hope not.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BECOMING a missing person... for the good of society.