Alright! Finally someone has made a movie based on the life and exploits of classic '80s WWF superstar Hillbilly Jim! Oh man, I can't wait till they show the match where he fought King Kong Bundy with a team of midgets, one of which looked like a tiny Mr. T! Ah, the greatest Wrestle-Mania match of all time! Why, I remember... Oh wait, it says "Hillbilly JOHN", not "JIM"... and it was made in 1972... Damn it, this is gonna hurt...

We all know the classic American legends of such trailblazing patriots as Johnny Appleseed, Daniel Boone, and Davey Crockett, but they were from a different time, fighting for causes that people today can't really relate to. In other words, "ya had to be there". But, in a time when the people needed a hero to rally behind and lead them to the promised land (i.e. the '70s), there was... well, nobody. So, instead of fighting back, the people just got dressed in fruity clothes, smoked a lot of dope, and listened to the heart enlightening tunes of acid rock. Meanwhile, some hick named John keeps up the fight against the man. And this is his story... and boy are those who watch it ever screwed...

John's story is narrated by the bulbous and homoerotically garbed Mr. Marduke, a fat beard-o in the Appalachian Mountains who likes to babble on about some crap involving Satan building an 8 lane super highway to Hell over God's green Earth. Yep, you know how those construction guys are always dickheads, taking 7 hour lunch breaks and making a 2 day job into a 12 week job? No wonder, it's because they're working for the Prince of Darkness! It does make a lot of sense if you think about it though. Anyway, this fat tub o' guts is going to tell us the story of Hillbilly John. We meet John right after he's done butt-pumpin' his girly friend. Unlike other hillbillies, who would just drink a half pint of moonshine and smoke a pig after such activity, John instead decides to pick up his guitar and start singing in the afterglow... THEN he starts chuggin' down some moonshine! Afterwards, like any normal guy, he makes a dash for it, leaving his girl behind in a stupor while he runs home to see his "Granpappy John", who apparently had an unfriendly visitor last night. No, it wasn't a stray grizzly, hungry bobcat, or even a gang of still jumpers, but from ol' goat boy himself, Satan. Why Satan would harass a pathetic old redneck is beyond me, but he did, so just leave it at that.

After an overly emotional hug and grope session between John and John, Granpappy tells young John not to worry, as he knows how to beat "His Majesty": silver. What kind of silver? Well, instead of going the safe bet with a silver bullet, knife, cane or even a silver shoe horn, the old codger goes the path of less violence and uses silver guitar strings... Yes, Granpappy John plans to beat the raging God of Hell, the Master of Havoc and Pain, the Fallen Angel with a taste for sin, with nothing more than eardrum ravaging southern rock. The fateful moment arrives as the neighbors gather round for a good ol' battle of the bands. Probably still trying to live down that golden fiddle duel he lost in that country song, Satan isn't about to lose to yet another stringed instrument, as the unseen miscreant causes the film to go off reel and distort, which is apparently too much for Granpappy John to handle, as we see his funeral in the next scene. Oh damn, and I'm sure that old turnip farmer still had so much to provide the world... Worthless or not, young John still feels the need to avenge his fallen kin, who he feels was cheated out of his life by the government.

Yes, though Satan rules over the US Senate I don't think that's reason to blame him for every little problem people have in their lives! The Senate is only one third of the government folks, try to blame JUST the Senate and not the entire nation's republic when something goes wrong, okay? Oh, John blames the government because they stopped making "silver" dollars out of silver. Since Granpappy made his guitar strings from melted down silver dollars, they weren't really silver, so that's why the guitar strings didn't work, and NOT because it was just the stupidest fucking idea out of a pig plower since Crystal Pepsi. So, armed with his guitar, his knapsack, and his trusty mutt "Honor Hound", Hillbilly John sets out on his crusade to right the wrongs of the world. The first step to the path of righteousness though, is to find some real silver to make... more guitar strings... GET A FUCKING GUN YOU STUPID HILLBILLY! HASN'T YOUR OLD MAN'S SLAUGHTER BEEN ENOUGH PROOF TO YOU THAT SILVER MUSIC CHORDS DON'T WORK! Not only is he a stubborn young man, but he's a stubborn young hillbilly man to boot. With the help of that fat purple blob Marduke and his silver finding divining rod (yeah, I'll bet he'd like to trade it for the use of John's divine rod for use as an enema), John finds some 419 year old silver Spanish coins buried no more than 2 inches under the surface of the ground.

Now, I can't speak much for the Spaniards who explored these great lands from sea to shining sea and all that shit, having not been over her in the Amerikas at the time of all that historical bullshit, but what pea-brained nitwits bury their precious coins TWO INCHES IN LOOSE DIRT! Did they just slap em on the tip of their tiny Spanish pricks and stab at the ground for pleasure, is this how they buried their coins?! No wonder we're the ones with the land now and not them, stupid cucurachas. Lucky for them they were better at ethnic genocide, allowing them to plunder the gold of the Aztecs and such, or they would've never made it in the new world, not that they knew how to invest or hide the plunder properly...

Finally, with some shiny new strings strapped to his twang box, John sets out for his first target: a greedy undertaker by the name of Yondro. That name's so absurd that I won't bother to mock it, so I'll just continue. Turns out Yondro is the descendant of another greedy fellow, who promised to spend a year with a witch that fell in love with him. When the ill-fated day come to pass, the guy headed for the hills instead, leaving his blushing demon bride at the alter. John confronts Yondro about a seemingly abandoned gold mine where he's found lots of the yellow ore. Yondro jumps at the offer and has John lead him into the hills where, sure enough, the two run into the same witch that Yondro's Granpappy screwed over a few decades ago. The specter offers to give Yondro the riches she would've given her turn tail husband, if Yonny promises to spend a year with the babe-a-licious mountain witch. Shit, she's gorgeous and it's gold right? So, Yonny gives an enthusiastic Hells yes. Everything backfires of course, as Yon gets sealed in a cell with the chick, and she gets REAL ugly REAL quick. If you didn't' see that coming, then I suspect you to be as out of it as one of John's kinfolk. Having destroyed one man's life now, John heads off to Hark Mountain for some reason. Along the way he runs into an evil strip miner and his oversized "ugly bird", which is featured all too prominently on the video box cover.

And when I say strip miner, I don't mean he's a Chippendales guy in overalls wielding a pick-ax with coal dust smudging his greasy sweaty pecks, his bulging biceps rippling and glistening, begging you to lick them clean. His strong hands gripping you, dirtying your pure white clothing like a bad Madonna video as the two of you kiss and he undresses you with his teeth, all the while you... Oh man, did I just have another episode? Why can't I just edit these things out of my reviews after I write them? Why is it that I appear too lazy to cover up my closet homosexuality and my desire to write cheap dime store novels featuring crude paintings of Fabio on the cover? All it takes is a simply stroke of the delete key and all these sick twisted tidbits could be erased from existence forever. Oh well, why bother, no one ever looks at this stuff anyway. As for John, he kills the miner and the big vulture when he clubs the winged beast with his silver stringed axe, like a true God of Hillbilly Death Rock! The miner, obviously bonded with the bird, dies as well. Then, it's time for more man-loving hijinx, as John goes off to recover from his harrowing experience with another harrowing experience: bathing with Mr. Marduke.

Afterwards, Marduke gives John a new guitar body to replace the one he shattered over the giant vulture's shriveled nutsac-like cranium... yes, I could make a joke about how these two backwoods butt pirates did more than "bathe", but just the mention of such acts, let alone the thoughts that some with them, make me want to eat burning coals and stuff a couple of those STAR TREK II brain eater bugs in my ears. So, let's just stick with the idea that they just had a nice bath together and... oh Godz, I'm gonna blow my lunch! Just a second......... Afterwards, probably in an attempt to prove to himself he's not COMPLETELY gay just yet, John hooks back up with his trailer hopping white trash girlfriend Lily to talk about marriage.. hey, "denial" isn't just the river I dump bodies into... With his broad next to his side, John goes, uhm, back in time to free the slaves. Okay, I'm not sure as to what the fuck just happened either, so just bear with me as I try to lead us out of this nightmare! John teaches the slaves to rise up against Uncle Tom and the white man, in an effort to get equal cotton picking prices for everyone. With John's help, they free themselves, then John leaves Lily behind again, something to do with fighting his battles on his own. As we men all know, he actually found out his slut was pregnant, and afraid that by some slim chance the kid (or whatever it is) is his, John stuck his tail between his ass cheeks and scuttled off to find Satan, maybe to make a deal of some kind. Our final scene before the credits see John strolling onto Capitol Hill, hinting that he's found out that my pal Mephistopheles is really... Ted Kennedy! Like you didn't know that already. Proof that the people of Massachusetts are really Satanic cult members.

This was insane! Fucking Hillbillies, Satan, demon birds, slavery, witch ghosts, and a fat beard-o in a purple coat... if I ever see such a combination even remotely like this again, I'm going to kill Kenny Rogers. I don't care about what he does or doesn't have to do with material involving this movie, but I've been waiting for a good excuse to finish him off once and for all. The acting was decidedly horrendous, insipid special FX, though for an old redneck flick I guess they can be overlooked. As for the music, well, let me just say that after this flick, I'm betting John was going to D.C. not to combat political corruption, but to try out for a part in the Charlie Daniels Band. I'm glad I burned all my minions' old southern rock 8-tracks, because one more cowbell or banjo solo, and I think I'd have to wipe out some people. No, not a simple genocide like the Inquisition or the Holocaust, I'm talking a massive devastation of some place big, someplace densely populated, someplace like, uhm, Greenland? Forget it, I'm really sick of trying to make this movie seem funny via this shitty little review. To Hell with it... no, Hell's too good, to Detroit with it! To Detroit with the cast, to Detroit with the crew, to Detroit with the gaffers, best boys, grips, caterers, and whoever else managed to sneak under my Murder Death Kill Radar back during production. Hey, don't blame me, it was the late '60s - early '70s, I was busy in a drug induced haze trying to catch up with Vietnam tallies and quell the oncoming disco revolt, I didn't think one little mountain movie was gonna cause so much trouble for me later on. Man, my ulcers are getting back to me, so I gotta end this. If you want something to entertain the 5 year-olds and you aren't afraid of them becoming hicks, then let em watch this movie. If you're looking for something to entertain people of an older age group, I suggest almost anything else... except for Eraserhead.

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: I don't know, I didn't like this movie, so I have no idea... try something from Disney, I'm sure they make crap like this all the time.