"Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night". Never have more truer, more obnoxious words been spoken by a mutated Lucky Charms mascot in the opening scene of a movie. Yes kiddies, the Tomb has began a long journey of pain, both physical and mental, as the LEPRECHAUN series hooks it's poisoned barbs into our digital flesh. It only gets worse children, as sequel by sequel, these movies will borrow deep into your vital organs, destroying them as it goes deeper and deeper inside you before curling up snugly in your colon and laying it's eggs. When the eggs hatch, well, think of the chest burster scene in ALIEN, only out the other end... What the Hell am I talking about again!?

Oh yeah, LEPRECHAUN. We open with some drunken Irish guy (is there any other kind?) named O'Gravy or something, as he's holding a Leprechaun hostage and stolen the little man's pot o' magic gold! Now, old 'Chauny has followed O'Gravy to the US of A, in pursuit of his dinero and some Irish vengeance. Chauny kills Mrs. O'Gravy, but Mr. O'G forces him back into a crate using a 4-leaf clover, a Leprechaun's one weakness. Leave it to one mutant to stop another. O'G fucks up though, having a major stroke before he can torch the evil imp, leaving him trapped in the crate until someone takes off the green leafy. Looks like clovers can last a LONG time after being plucked, as "10 years later", Chauny is still imprisoned when a new family comes to fix up the house... a whole fucking decade that little weed has been sitting in that basement, not decayed into nothing, not knocked over by Chauny's struggling, not kicked off by a stray breeze or rat or something... It just sat there, an invincible little clover freak, not to be moved by anyone or anything... as if the movie hadn't already pissed me off enough. Anyway, for the cast, we get our tragic "valley girl stranded in the middle of East Bumblefuck" Tory, played by the lovably rapable (though annoying) Jennifer Aniston, who's not exactly keen on the idea of staying in the great outdoors (neither would I, Dan Akroyd's a pain in the ass) until she meets the corn fed Kevin Bacon look-alike her dad hired to help fix up the house. Of course, you can't make a cheesy horror movie without the obnoxious and spazzy little boy and fat retarded guy for "comic" relief, so along with the Kevin clone (Nate) comes his little brother Alex and their large incompetent co-worker Ozzy... why does the retard ALWAYS have to be fat?! I'm so sick of people thinking I rode the special bus and wore a helmet in school, just because I'm a fat slob, since that's the image movie have carved for me! That's why I liked THE LAWNMOWER MAN, it was a mainstream big budget horror/sci-fi movie where the retarded guy wasn't fat. Okay, so the cast isn't much, but at least it's not David Shitter, Matt LaButt, and that other guy. Holy shit, this is the end of the second paragraph already and I haven't even gotten to the part where the mangled midget gets free! I told you this movie was evil!

Leave it to the rotund mental defective to unleash unimaginable ethnic horror, as the Lep suckers fat boy Ozzy into removing the immortal clover, freeing him for the first time in a decade. The ungrateful Chauny then threatens to turn Ozzy's ears into boots, before Oz hauls fat and escapes. Afterwards, while Alex and Oz are being stuuuupid, they stumble upon Chauny's pot o' gold. Leave it to the rotund mental defective to bring about all kinds of bad news to himself, as he eats one of the coins, probably thinking it was chocolate... this Ozzy guy is really insulting to all the great people named Ozzy, like St. Louis Cardinals legend (and one time "Simpsons" guest) Ozzy Smith and of course, the original god of rock, Ozzy Osborne. Meanwhile, as Tory's dad is working around the house, Chauny pops out and bites him, prompting our "heroes" to rush him to the hospital. While in town, Al and Oz drop one of the imp's coins off at an appraisal shop, and Chauny follows in hot pursuit... on his tricycle... I kid you not, a tricycle. When he arrives, he kills the appraiser in death by pogo stick, shines up the corpse's shoes, then putters off in a stolen go-kart... this is cheesy. Cheesier than a bag of Super Cheesy Cheese Blast Explosion O' Cheese Cheet-O's Brand Cheese Puffs. THAT cheesy. But, in Chauny's defense, at least he kills an obnoxious cop that pulls him and his little kart over. It's not nice to issue traffic citations to vertically impaired mutants dressed in green... have I mentioned how much I hate, truly DESPISE this movie?!

Chauny's pursuits for his pilfered cashola leads him to shine everyone's shoes (a Leprechaun fetish) and discredit generic Lucky Charms before he munches Nate's beefy man ankle in a bear trap. Everyone then bands together and gang beats the annoying little shithead! It's about time someone kicked his well-deserving-of-a-major-stomping Irish ass! In response to the assault, Chauny totals the gang's pick-up truck, using... his go-kart... just to let you know again, I HATE this movie, I can't make that clear enough. This is soon followed by an EVIL DEAD 2 "inspired" living-severed-hand scene, after which the group tries to get rid of Chauny, by giving him his gold. Of course, this is where fatty's accidental swallowing of the stray gold piece comes back to haunt him. The next few scenes are spent taking cheap shots at the disgruntled dwarf and chasing him around the house until, distracting him with a pile of dirty shoes to shine, Tory (and her LA Gears) run to the local retirement home to seek out the braindead Mr. O'Gravy. Instead she finds Chauny, this time piloting a wheelchair, before finding the real O'Gravy, who tells her the secret of the four-leaf clovers before finally dying. Escaping back to the house with her new find, the cast then wallow in a clover patch, desperately seeking a mutant clover before Chauny gets back. Luckily for everyone (viewer included), they find such a clover, and Al shoots it down Chauny's throat with his Dennis the Menace slingshot. The vile little man then deteriorates, falls down a nearby well and is set a blaze. Actually, more precisely, he BLOWS UP?! One fucking leaf did all that?! Well, the bastard's voice threatens a return, which he does... at least four more times as of this review.

This movie is one of the most painful to watch movies I've ever had to watch. There are movies that have been made with far less ability, but also far less annoying characters, dialogue, and scenes (especially all of Chauny's stupid little modes of transportation). Normally, I enjoy the addition of a midget to a movie's cast, but when he spouts mind numbing limericks and just acts like an all around hemorrhoid, it's not fun at all, unless you find driving long steel carpeting nails into your eyes to be fun. If so, then I hope you enjoy the feel of eye goo streaming down your cheeks, because, like I said, there are FOUR MORE of these fucking movies. I'm not usually one for the gratuitous use of nudity and scenes of explicit sexual content to sell an otherwise atrocious movie, but in this case I'll make an exception. I actually would have preferred watching Jennifer Aniston get all oiled-up and make freaky S+M Leprechaun lovin' to our frolicking antagonist.. I envy Brad Pitt. Oh, and try calling 1-900-370-5825 to see if you can win a part in LEPRECHAUN 2!... oops, wait a minute, that reminds me of the moral to out little story: video contests don't work! All that bullshit about little green monsters and raping Jennifer Aniston, all for something as simple as "video contests don't work"... If that doesn't piss you off, then, well, it sure pisses me off! I gotta go lay down and regain my faltering self reliance before I'm faced with the second LEPRECHAUN log, so I bid the thee good day and fuck off.

Sequels: LEPRECHAUN 2; LEPRECHAUN 3; LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE; LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Insulting a posse of drunken Irish guys wielding shileilehs... and no, I don't know how to spell that...