Hide your Lucky Charms and alcohol kids, that obnoxious midget with a skin condition and an overbearing Irish accent has returned. Obviously he didn't get the point that he was hated and unloved before, blaming the bad reviews on Jennifer Aniston's piddly performance and not his off the scale pain-in-the-ass factor. Whatever the reason, Warwick Davis is back as the intolerable faerie in green garb, so let's get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible!

Our story opens back in old school Ireland, somewhere on a timeline between the wars of Mel Gibson's BRAVEHEART and the heroin induced tomfoolery of TRAINSPOTTING... wait a minute, those are both Scottish films... Hmmmm, I need an Irish reference. Okay, let's just say it all begins approximately 1003 years prior to the romantic hijinx of Janine Gerafolo's THE MATCHMAKER (which sucks almost as bad as this movie). That gimpy imp the Leprechaun is about to hit his 1,000 birthday, which would mean he's been around since the days of Christ, which would explain why he was in Leonardo's first draft of "the Last Supper"... Anyway, Chauney (which I like to call him) is about to hit the Leprechaun maturity and can now take a bride, an offer only allowed every millennia of his existence. How can the little shit pick up the babe he wants? Well, if the pussy he's targeted sneezes three times without anyone offering her a "God Bless You", then she's fair game... I'm not kidding, this is actually part of the movie. Do you see the kind of crap I have to deal with now?! Alright, so Chauney picks out a girl, and sure enough she sneezes three times. But, his plans are foiled when the girl's father gives her the blessing like proper etiquette. Chauney goes loco, kills the fat old fart and curses the man's bloodline, saying that in 1000 years, on his next millennial birthday celebration, Chauney will marry the man's hottest descendant. This would be funny if the guy's only descendant was Rosanne, or Marlon Brando, but sadly Chauney lucks (get it, "luck" for a Leprechaun?!) out and the girl is what the Italians call, "a very ah fuckable piece of ah the ass".

Unfortunately for Chauney, there's two obstacles in his way. First off, the girl's got two guys who are already looking for some lovin'. Secondly, Clint Howard is a tourist! Okay, so that has nothing to do with his marital crusade, I just wanted to point out that Clint Howard was in this movie for some odd reason. Of the two guys looking to court Bridget (the babe the imp's got his eye on) is our protagonist, a loser by the name of Cody. Cody and his uncle run the unsuccessful "Darkside Tours": a tourist service that hauls unsuspecting Hollywood tourists around the land of stars and wanna-bes, pointing out the places film stars have died or been horrible mangled. Oh well, at least they have a souped up hearse for their tour bus, that's a plus. Sure enough, the mystical half-pint emerges from a tree, COMPLETELY disregarding his death at the bottom of a well in LEPRECHAUN which, uhm, didn't end, uh, "well"... Hey, if I have to suffer through this movie, you should have to suffer through the review! So, Chauney's free now to claim his bride. He's a little jealous though, when he finds his betrothed on a date with another guy. Seeing as how the guy is everything Chauney isn't (he's tall, handsome, mildly retarded, and owns a sports car), so he does what any star-crossed lover would do: kill the competition. By fooling the guy into thinking a spinning lawn mower blade is actually Bridget, Chauney cuts down the competition when the goon tries to lay some mouth action on the hallucination... very messy. This isn't a total loss though, because not only does one of the film's more annoying characters die a gruesome and painful death, but it also cuts out some of Cody's competition! And yet, somehow, I still don't think he can get that chick under his Rainbow Bright sheets...

Speaking of Cody and Bridget, they manage to hash out some of their relationship problems, just in time for Chauney to appear and kidnap Bridget. Slapping a gold collar around her neck, he whisks her away to his subterranean honeymoon suite beneath his magical tree (how he got there in the first place I'll never know) so they can be wed and she can start popping out some "wee ones". I wonder what it's like to squeeze baby Leprechauns out the birth canal. Are they smaller than human babies? DO they secrete a magical ooze that works like morphine and makes the delivery painless? Do they all come out looking like Chauney does? And if so, I'm afraid to ask what those teeth feel like during the delivery! Once again, I'm proud to say I'm not a woman. Sorry ladies. But, always putting his cash before his woman, Chauney goes after Cody to retrieve a gold coin he dropped while struggling to capture Bridget... for once you'd think he'd just let one little coin go and quite while he's ahead! He's waited 2000 years to finally get his claws on some poontang pie and now he's gonna blow his perfect chance over one piece of gold?! Obviously Leprechauns don't have their priorities as straight as we human men do, homo OR hetero. So, Chauney leaves his new fiance at the tree while he goes out to find his money.

Back to Cody, he's returned to Uncle Morty's place to discuss Leprechauns and gold coins. Thanx to a book the old goon happens to have, we learn that the mangled midget is vulnerable to wrought iron, something apparently over-looked in the first movie. When the two go to a local bar to refill Uncle Morty's tank (heh heh, he's a drunk old man with no life and no liver), who do they run into but Chauney. So, to distract the little wretch, Morty challenges him to a drinking contest. Though Chauney's got a posse of midgets cheering him on from the sidelines, Morty's just drinking Coke and water, so the old coot wins out and Chauney gets plastered. Meanwhile, Bridget tries to find her own escape from her underground prison. After the drinking festivities are over, Cody and Morty sucker Chauney into a wrought iron safe. But, being the greedy old bum he is, Morty lets Chauney out in exchange for the imp's pot o' gold. Too bad for Morty though, because Chauney teleports the entire pot directly into the geezer's stomach, which looks beyond painful. Before it's over, Chauney cracks open the dumbass's guts and rakes back his gold anyway. Boy, old people sure are stupid! After that display, Chauney hops into his demonic go-kart, kills a rent-a-cop and then has a final battles of wits with Cody in his catacomb home for the hand of the lovely Bridget. Despite Chauney being a good kisser, Cody foils his evil plans with a chocolate coin in gold wrapping and an iron bar. No soon does he have too much iron in his diet (they just keep coming) then the little turd explodes, leaving our dynamic dating duo to live out a happy ending. I too am happy, because this means the film is over and the world is a better place because of it!

Just like all the other LEPRECHAUN films, LEPRECHAUN 2 suffers from two problems: 1) bad cast, and 2) bad crew. The cast was annoying, no talent, stupid, boring, and all kinds of other negative words. Especially the title character. As for #2, it's the same problem. Not enough talent amongst the entire crew to fill a Dixie cup, and I'm talking about the quaint little paper childrens' Dixie cups with the amusing cartoons and riddles. Now that I think about it, a stack of those kiddie cups is more entertaining than LEPRECHAUN 2. Yet, I will continue to review them. Why? Well, just so I can complain about them and make fun of the people who work on them, making them feel bad about themselves and hate themselves with a few simple key strokes. That, and to help people like you reading this now from making the mistake of renting said films. "I took the whole night off for you! And what about those chili-dogs!". Ah, cram them chili-dogs up your blow hole, dip shit!

Sequels: LEPRECHAUN 3; LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE; LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: stuffing your ass full of gasoline soaked shamrocks, then sitting on a lit candle.