The average grave is 6ft deep. If each installment of the PUPPET MASTER series transfers into one foot of dirt, then RETRO-PUPPET MASTER would be foot number 7. What is your problem Charles Band?! Are you trying yo make people hate those adorable little wooden miscreants so they'll turn to your stupid urban horror imprint "Alchemy" for there D-t-V horror needs?! Why sacrifice an established series just to gamble on a VERY unpopular one? Were you hoping to corner the nonexistent market on urban horror?! Shit, the only competition you've got is TALES FROM THE HOOD and VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN, which have been out for years! The only other u.h. competition of recent months is LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD, and the day Full Moon feels threatened by Leprechaun movies is the day I give up hope. But then, if not for the Alchemy gamble, then why? Why put out such crappy PM movies that can only hurt the series further? Damn you Chuck... Okay, time to get down to the business and tell you about the story itself. We open in 1944, shortly after the Nazi hijinks of PUPPET MASTER 3. Andre Toulon takes a break out of his run for the Switzerland border so he can tell his puppets a story. Now, the magic of flashback takes us back to Paris 1902, where a young Toulon (say, late teens-early 20's) and friends do what all guys their age do on a Friday night: put on a puppet show! Well, that's what I do on my Friday nights... Anyway, just outside the puppet theater, an Egyptian sorcerer named Afzel gets his ass handed to him by some hired goons under employment by the dark god Sutek (the giant muppet demon from the 4th and 5th PM movies)! In addition to meeting and saving Afzel, Toulon also meets his future penis sheath: Ilsa (not the She-Devil, nor the Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks), who at this time is the young daughter of the Swedish Ambassador. Ilsa is out looking for a good time... so she goes to a puppet show?! Chicks, never try to understand em, you'll just hurt yourself. So, while Toulon plays nurse to the old sorcerer, the guy shows his thanks by giving young Andre the secret to transferring the soul of a person into another vessel. This comes in handy when Sutek's boys kill off Andre's dorky amigos, and Andre must transfer their vengeance hungry souls into the crude gang of puppets they use in their shows. The puppets all have that crude toy-like appeal, and they are: Cyclops - a one-eyed puppet, in case you couldn't guess; Dr. Death - think of the Grim Reaper if he were dressed like a surgeon; and early, rough drafts of Blade, Six-Shooter, Pinhead, and Tunneler (who apparently was originally called "Drill Sergeant"). Sutek's mummified minions then grab Ilsa for bait with which to lure young Andre onto a train. Of course he goes for it, but he's in good hands, because the puppets dispose of the bad guys with relative ease. Toulon (the 1944 version), then wraps up the story with a threat of a sequel, when he plans to fill in the gaps later. Looks like Charles Band's shovel shows no signs of stopping in the burying of the PM series. Damn it, despite how terribly made this movie was, I know I'm going to be suckered into buying the sequel. And you KNOW there's gonna be a sequel! Anyway, despite the terrible camera work, atrocious CGI magic FX, the horrid puppeteering, and the A-Pix caliber soundtrack, lovers of the PM series will still get this installment, simply because it's historically important to the series. Yes, even though the flick sucked in general, it was cool of Charles Band to give us a fairly definitive origin story. Besides, what I really look forward to now, is PUPPET MASTER VS. DEMONIC TOYS flick scheduled for early 2001! Sure, it'll probably have no value other than the fact that it's cool to watch toys fight, but who needs anything else?!

Sequels: So far, this is the latest one. But then, I don't really know if you'd classify this as being a sequel, a prequel, or what. And what about the upcoming PUPPET MASTER VS. DEMONIC TOYS? Would that be considered a sequel or a stand alone? My head's gonna pop!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: DOLLS or GHOULIES II