From Mark Jones, the rat bastard who made us suffer through LEPRECHAUN, we're treated to RUMPELSTILTSKIN. For those of you who hated LEPRECHAUN because the title character was too annoying, his accent was too nerve wracking, and his outfit was too "St. Patrick's Day Gay Pride Parade" to take him seriously, then you might actually enjoy RUMPELSTILTSKIN! This time, our anti-hero title character doesn't rhyme constantly, he doesn't have an accent that I can trace to any distinct ethnic stereotype, and his outfit consists of tattered rags sewn together and a leather skullcap to keep his noggin warm! Plus, where as the LEPRECHAUN was pretty much just a pain-in-the-ass midget, RUMPELSTILTSKIN, though short, is more of a pissed off hunchback troll, so, despite his attempts at medieval Freddy Krueger one-liners, we can still take him fairly serious at times.

Loving referred to by my former H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. pals and I as "Rumpled-foreskin", our movie opens in 1400's Europe, where out title fiend is being chased down by a mob of unruly and unwashed peasants. The plebeians are chasing the imp, because they want what he has: a woman's child. This all takes place after Rumpy has rightfully won the child from the woman, following services he provided her with, possibly another of those "straw-into-gold" fiascoes. Whatever the reason, the stinky, torch baring medieval Europeans corner Rumpy on a cliff. Forced to defend himself, Rumpy mauls a few of the assholes, biting faces and eating eyeballs and such, you know, typical soccer riot fare. All the madness is halted though, when a spell casting witch amongst the group casts a curse on Rumpy, that reads something like this: for the time being, Rumpy will no longer be the lovable imp who terrorizes the poor people, but a shiny green booger the size of a football. As always, there's a loophole: should Rumpy be asked a "love lorn" wish by a heart broken mother, he must grant it, then become his old self again, going about his baby snatching ways. I'd just like to take a timeout and ask a simple question: WHY THE HELL DOES EVERY CURSE HAVE A LOOPHOLE?! Just look at all the medieval Disney characters! Snow White? Eats a cursed/poisoned apple, then falls into a coma from which only her true love can wake her. Sleeping Beauty? All it takes is a kiss form a prince! Speaking of princes, the frog prince? All it took was a kiss to turn him back into a man! Why don't the evil witches/warlocks/demons/etc. just make a permanent curse?! Sure, you can put Snow White into a coma where her body dies while her mind remains conscious, but do it so no one wake her up! Sure, turn someone into a pig, but permanently! A simple kiss?! Shit, I'd slap my puckered lips against those of a pond frog if it meant I was gonna get rich! It's easy! All it takes is no self-respect! I can understand the purpose of a curse: cause your enemy a lot of pain and suffering without the final bliss of death. Everlasting torture is something I can respect, but not if there's a way out of it!

Alright, now that I've ranted about both the stupefying wonders of LEPRECHAUN and the pointlessness behind curses, allow me to continue with our movie. So, the little booger statue gets dumped into a large body of water (though it resembles my fish tank at home, minus my piranhas and the half eaten torsos). Zip ahead to "Present Day" LA, where we're introduced to that aforementioned "heart broken mother with a love lorn wish", Shelley. Recently, Shelley's hubby was shot in the line of duty, as this fine member of the minority oppressing LAPD was mowed down while trying to stop a hijacking. Though the criminal takes a good shot in the head, the husband gets his guts perforated, dying of fatal gunshot wounds. Now, after purchasing the petrified booger at a curio shop (Rumpy apparently makes a lovely mantle piece, right up by her dead husband's picture), Shell makes the mistake of splattering a few tears on the misshapen football (keep your eyes open...) while making (here it comes...) her "love lorn" wish (touch down!) for her husband's return. Sure enough, before you can say "back door entry", the dead cop returns for one last night of hardcore cop sex! Actually, we never really get to watch all the hijinx, but since they're technically still married, they probably just screwed missionary style for 2 minutes, then spent the rest of their night in bed, Shell unsatisfied and her husband apologizing as they watch Letterman. The following morning, as Shell stalks toward the shower, hoping to catch her favorite piggy all wet in the shower, she gets a very different surprise. Yep, the husband's gone again, and in his place is the baby hungry Rumpelstiltskin! Being the kind of backstabbing wench some women tend to be, Shell simply plows the repugnant hunchback in the balls (that answers the question in my head), stabs in the head with a butcher knife, shoves a broomstick down his throat, and locks him in the closet. Taking the opportunity, she scoops up her child and heads for her friend's house, running the persistent midget over with her pick-up in the process. The next night, while still at her pal's house, Rumpy makes another appearance, breaking in through one of the walls and breaking the friend's neck. Rumpy becomes my hero at this point, because that woman was so damn obnoxious. I'd rather watch 1,000 LEPRECHAUN movies as opposed to spending a week with that ditzy chick!

Anyway, Rumpy once again gives chase after Shell and her child, this time losing his arm to a hungry station wagon before his prey escape. But, always the trooper, our villain shakes the maggots out of his stray appendage, slaps it back on, then goes off to kick an old biker's ass and steal his hog! Rumpy looks a lot more bad ass on that chopper than the LEPRECHAUN ever did on one of his misbegotten "rides"! Not being much for good balance (probably due to that big lump on his back), Rumpy slides the motorcycle, wrecking his transport. Only option is to pick up some new wheels, something with a little more in the balls department, like a MAC truck! Beheading an unfortunate truck driver, Rumpy commandeers a 16 wheeler. At this point another question comes to mind to distract me from the movie: Since Rumpy's been a big booger for the past 500 years, where did he learn modern English, including slang and technical terms? Speaking of technical, where the fuck did he learn to drive for that matter?! Back to the movie, Shelley winds up stranded in the dessert because of her dead friend's shitty wagon. While hitchhiking, she gets picked up by a Howard Stern shock jock wanna-be who listens to Duran Duran, named Max. But, when his truck too breaks down in a chase with Mr. Stiltskin, he resorts to leading the bad guy away using his back up go-kart and an impostor baby. It actually works in spite of the idea that a go-kart outrunning a tanker truck is ludicrous at best, as Rumpy is sent careening over a steep hill, going in up in a *whoosh* of flames and black smoke. When the cops finally arrive on the scene, we learn that this movie is far from over, as Rumpy, still alive despite his little Barbecuing accident, shows up and peels off his own face! Then the little monster pulls off his own head, using it to bite and kill the cop! Rumpy then chases Shelley, Max, and baby John to an abandoned restaurant, shuffling in hot pursuit. When some more police arrive, they arrest out heroes, under suspicion that they were responsible for the other cop's death! Man, this is a lot of shit to go through just to keep a kid.

They're not incarcerated long though, as guess who follows them to the police station, becoming MY personal hero as he slaughters every last redneck cop in the place! He even impales one of them with an American flag! I don't normally do the pledge of allegiance, but at this point, I couldn't help but stand in salute to my country, for providing me with such violent entertainment! Lucky for the good guys though, because, with his last ounce of strength, one of the cops releases Shell and Max, freeing them so they can go hunt down the babynapping Rumpelstiltskin, who now has young John! Now, for a little rules and regulations, Shell confronts the woman who sold her the Rumpy decoration in the first place. The old witch tells her that she must beat Rumpy repeatedly with flaming straw and "chant" his name 3 times... things were so much simpler in the fairy tale days, when just his name was enough.

The final showdown takes place in a nearby graveyard (where Rumpy is performing his ritual baby soul eating ceremony). Rumpy pretty much gets the short end of the straw, as he's trapped in the bucket of a front-loader, which happens to be full of flaming straw, and driven by Max. Max drives the thing into a telephone pole, which zaps Rumpy for good measure and blows him up. This still isn't enough to stop him, as the badly burned and flesh shedding beasty keeps coming! Shell puts and end to it though, as she calls out his name 3 times. Rumpy gets turned back into a crusty piece of booger art, and then gets huffed 3rd baseman style into a nearby pond, as Max and Shelley walk off into the sunset with baby John, happy ending. The film is officially finished though when, "3 years later" a little girl finds the ugly statue and takes it home with her.

As I said earlier, Rumpelstiltskin seems to be a much more menacing figure than the LEPRECHAUN ever was. He seemed far more brutal, he had a more fiendish looking face, and his wardrobe wasn't stolen from a gay midget. However, Rumpy did have his problems. His main problem was his seeming incompetence to kill ONE woman, while all others, including officers of the law, simply feel before his blood soaked hands. Our hero aside, the rest of the cast was very weak. Shelley's friend being the worst, with that moron Max coming in a close second. The gore was fun, and I'm talking about Tipper. I especially liked the FX and make-up work. They worked best of all in the hilarious scene where Rumpy's severed head plays Hot and Cold" with his body! So, if you're looking for a fun and action packed movie starring a hunchbacked imp that you and your friends can sit around and get drunk to, then here's your movie! If you're looking for a seriously artsy and well done horror movie that will scare you shitless and turn your life around just by watching it, then you've taken a WRONG turn in the Blockbuster isles. One final gripe to display though: how is it that crap like LEPRECHAUN garners 4 sequels as of the time of this review, but RUMPELSTILTSKIN is left dead in the vaults, with not ONE sequel?! I know it'd probably just be a rehash of the first, but how is that different from that other midget's flicks?! Fucking Hollywood, land of broken dreams, famous prostitutes, and numerous enema clinics. Moral of today's story kiddies: "When you wish upon a star", you get what you want, no strings attached (little Pinocchio joke there). But, when you wish upon a big paper weight made of dried snot, you're in for some trouble!

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS or JACK FROST