No matter how many times I say it, I can never say it enough... no, it's not "I love you Krissy" (though I don't mind saying that either), but, "I hate child heroes!". I always have hated them and I always will hate them! From the dawn of time to the fall of time, child heroes shall always be on the top of my hit list (which also includes TV Evangelists, Extremists [for ANY cause!], Regis Philbin, etc.)! Especially kids like the little shit eaters in this movie! They (who I shall call Tom, Blacky, and Fatty) read DC comics (I'm a Marvel man myself) and not only act like dorks, but they get pushed around by a gang of guys who dress in 'Vipers' T-shirts (which they probably got on their rampage through Busch Gardens) and drive around in a station wagon!!!!! Okay, so maybe the station wagon ain't so bad. I myself drive a wagon... hey, it's the poor man's hearse! But, you won't catch me wearing a T-shirt from Darien Lake! I don't care if it's 'Viper', 'Predator', or 'the Bowel Loosener' (well, I might wear that last one, heh heh)! Anyway, when these little douche bags rat out the 'Vipers', the thugs return for vengeance, taking the brats down in a hail of bullets (and just as their wiener leader Tom is about to get laid by the only girl who'd go out with him). This is the closest thing to "enjoyable viewing" that you're going to get to in this movie. But, there is a very satisfying feeling at watching all three of them die! Just thinking about the pain they went through: the feeling of their organs being shredded, the hot lead peeling through their bodies, the waves of shock and agony enveloping their fragile young minds... when you look at it THAT way, it makes me PROUD to be the guy who gets to drag them to the great beyond! Unfortunately, their local newspaper stand owner, Mr. Sumatra, swipes the heads from their young corpi, shrink their rotting crania down, and reanimate them (I'm SO sorry Dr. West, please don't curse me for associating you with THIS). The process that brought them back gave them "super" powers: Tom's head shoots electricity, Fatty is nosferatu (vampire) now, and Blackie's head carries a switchblade... damn you Charles Band, a switchblade?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN! So, now they live only for vengeance (and the chance for Tom to fly down Sally's dress heh heh) and go about... well, avenging their deaths dumb-ass! Though I'm sure they went out for Lime Rickeys and chicken Gorditas after a hard day of "crime fighting". Uhm, all the people they kill turn into do-gooder zombies (who also fart alot) and uhm, I think they kill the butched out dyke of a mob boss (played by Meg Ryan... what a waste)... I don't care, this thing was just TOO terrible! I could have spent this space telling dirty jokes or telling you how to make megaton bombs from household products! Boy, for a Death God, I AM SUCH A FOOL!!!!! ARGGH!

Sequels: Ewwww! No!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: shrinking your own head and using it for a softball