He's Bach... I mean, he's back, again. Arnold Schwarzenegger, former Lord of the Dance... uhm, I'm of course talking about the, uh, proverbial Dance of Action Movies... yes, that will do nicely... Yeah, about Arnold, anyway, we all know him as the figurehead of '80s action flicks. After the Van Dammes, the Segals, the Stallones, and the Richard Pryors, there was only one man after all the neckbreaking gun slinging kung-fu smoke cleared: Schwarzenegger. Look up the word "action" in the dictionary, and it would simply say "refer to 'Schwarzenegger'". There was none better in the land of beefcake bad boys. He's played such legendary screen presences as Conan the Barbarian, the Terminator, the Running Man, Commando, the guy in PREDATOR, and of course, Hercules. But, as the '80s dies out, so too did the need for walls of muscles to play lead roles. More streamline ass-kickers like the afformentioned Van Damme and Segal took over the action stuff, while bulgey brutes like Schwarzenegger and Stallone were pushed to the back, forced to do unbelievably bad comedies, like KINDERGARTEN COP and STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT... any chance to make fun of STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT is a requirement here in the Tomb, and coincidentally (probably due to my latent SCANNER mind powers) both STOP! and THE 6TH DAY are both directed by Roger Spottiswoode... scary info, right? But, just thinking about that illicit love affair that came about between Sly and Estelle Getty because of that movie makes me laugh. Oh, and throw up violently.

So, anyway, Arnold must've been watching JUNIOR on cable one night, realized how his carreer had become a laughing stock and decided he'd try a new action flick. This new blockbuster that was supposed to revilatize his carreer was END OF DAYS, a mixing of COMMANDO with the OMEN that, well, you'll have to wait for my END OF DAYS review to see how that came out. Needless to say, END OF DAYS didn't win an Academy Awards, or even any Fangoria Chainsaws for that matter. Realizing that maybe horror action isn't his style, Arny goes back to his sci-fi action roots with this, THE 6TH DAY. Speaking of the movie, enough about it's limp leading man, and on to the review.

Here goes: "in the near future", "closer that you think", cloning turns out to be a failure, as the first human specimen is dubbed an abomination, is ordered destroyed by the Supreme Court, and the practice of such unholy science is banned under penalty of death. This act is called the "6th Day Law", named so after all that, "and on the 6th day God created man" bullshit smeared on the front of the Bible. The world looks like something out DEMOLITION MAN or BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II, and old skool airplane pilot Adam Gibson is just living his life like any normal shmuck. Hmmmm, "Adam" huh? Obviously a biblical referance there. Like any normal old codger, Adam believes in the old ways better than the new, like shaving with actual razor blades and driving an old fashioned car rather than shaving with a laser and driving a mini-van. It's the old man's birthday today and to celebrate, he's going to work. Former pilot in the armed forces, Adam is now a commercial pilot for a small time airport that caters to the "eXtreme" crowd, giving charter flights for snowborders and the like, flying them in their fancy helicopter/jet planes. Adam is scheduled to take famed rich boy Michael Drucker out for some action on the slopes, but since it's his birthday his pal (and comic relief) Hank offers to take the run instead, filling in for Adam as pilot. But, when Hank and his passanger arrive, there's an unhappy 'border there waiting for them, who zaps everyone in Drucker's crew, including Hank! Meanwhile, that no-good slacker Adam apparently blacked out, waking up in a taxi cab at the mall. After checking out the local RePets store (to look into getting his dead dog cloned and spare his daughter the reality of death), Adam buys his greedy offspring a SimPal Cindy doll, meant to be the most realistic fake friend toy available. Not only is it more expensive than getting a real friend, but those Cindy dolls go far beyond my capacity for creepy toys! That voice, that face, it's all so evil! My life-size Jeffrey Dahmer doll's got nothing on Cindy!

Afterwards, Adam makes his way home for his "surprise" birthday party, and gets the shock of a lifetime. When he peeks in the window he finds the party already in full swing... with him in attendence! Cocfused as Hell, Adam stands there on his porch, slack-jawed with a life-sized doll slung over his shoulder as two strangers approach him, asking him to go with them. The two taser our big lunk, but as they're dragging him back to their secret Men in Black mini-van, he wakes up, kicks their asses, and makes a run for it. Despite the best efforts of security official Robert Marshall (Micheal Rooker!) and his three stooges-like henchmen Talia, Wiley, and Vincent, Adam escapes FUGITIVE style, taking a nose dive into a river from a height that would kill any other man... except for Burt Reynolds of course, and Kevin Bacon, since he's a robot... After dragging himself from what should've been his watery grave, Adam goes to the cops for help, obviously not aware that, if anyone is powerful enough to make clones of people, they're probably also powerful enough to bend the police to their will, especially since they'll take bribes from ANYONE these days. The fuzz lock Adam up in a waiting room, under the impression that he's a mental patient. After escaping his confinement, again to the disproval of Mr. Marshall, who was sent to pick him up, Adam seeks out his friend Hank... who I thought was shot. Since he doesn't remember anything abour getting zapped earlier that day, it's my guess that he's a clone too. To get Hank to believe him, Adam takes his pal on a field trip to his house, where they findthe clone still hanging around and completely unaware that he's not even the real Adam Gibson. After making Hank a believer and tucking his daughter in, Adam and Hank head back to Hank's bachelor pad to gather their thoughts. It's a short process though, as the disgruntled snow-border who killed the original Hank earlier returns and zaps Hank again, because he's a soulless abomination of a clone... and I'll bet you he plays in a Christian Metal Band too. Adam chases the guy down, getting some info about clones from him before the dude blasts himself in the head, making him and all his info safe when Marshall and his re-cloned goons arrive. If they can't access the brain, then they won't be able to clone the 'boarder or steal any of his secret info. Marshall and Talia are killed yet again, this time getting a few limbs blasted off by the blaster wielding Adam, who swipes one of Talia's thumbs for use later.

Meanwhile, the not-so-mad scientist responsible for perfecting the cloning process, Dr. Griffin Weir (Robert Duvall), who also works for Drucker now, has to deal with the death of his wife AGAIN, as her clone expires, just five years after her first demise. This is caused by a failsafe glitch in her genetic code, that Drucker had put into the latest clones in case any of them became a problem. You know, if a senator he bought out suddenly grew morals or if the star quarterback of his XFL team decides he needs a raise... that's actually not a joke, it's a part of the movie... I'll elaborate on that odd little statement later. Weir's not too happy with this latest discovery of Drucker's actions, and he's got something to say to his friend/boss... but that'll have to wait, because Adam has infiltrated Drucker's corporation looking for some answers. Using Talia's dismembered thumb, Adam makes his way deep into the building's core, where all the illegal test tube babies come from, and where he meets Dr Weir, holding him at gun point until he can get some answers. For being a part of a tightlipped illegal project like this, Weir seems all too eager to cough up the info, telling Adam all about Drucker's business, plans for the future, and why a Jo Blow like Adam is suddenly mixed up in all of it. Turns out that the guy who killed Drucker and Hank was a morality fundamentalist... leave it to Christians to bad mouth murder, but then committ it for their own goals. Anyway, when the guy killed Drucker and Hank (who, remember, was filling in as Adam), Weir automatically popped out clones for everyone to help cover up the incident. Problem is, before they realized it was actually Hank and not Adam that was killed, it was too late, as they had already made a clone of Adam instead, and sent him out to live out his life like normal, making it home before the real Adam did. Well, after realizing the mistake, they had to regenerate Hank and then it was off to ice the real Adam, so he couldn't uncover the cloning plot. Now, Adam's life is in serious danger, because if he unveils that Drucker is a clone, Drucker will lose ALL his properties and then get exterminated, because as a clone he has no rights and is a soulless abomination that must be destroyed. In other words, Adam just got himself in deeper...

Adam then escapes once more, realizing that Drucker will now target his family and even the clone in an effort to shut EVERYONE up and keep the secret of his counterfeit genes just that, a secret. So, at a school recietal, Adam's wife and daughter are kidnapped by Vince and Talia, with the help of some genetically altered pooches, and the Adam clone is just in time to, well, yell at the bad guys, then take cover inside when they start shooting at him. When he tries to contact the 911 video phone service, in walks the real Adam... two Schwarzennegers... the fourth sign of the Apocalypse... the end is upon us. No mad despot, intergallactic bounty hunter, or self-respecting movie lover is safe... So, the two Adams team up after Adam 1 (the real one) and Adam 2 (the clone) trade info on just what the Hell is going on and just how they're gonna solve it. Somehow, despite the fact the two are both a couple of meatheads, they formulate a plan and invade Drucker's corporate base. Adam 1 makes it inside, blasts out a bunch of security cameras, and shoots a couple of guards before Marshall and his goons finally corner him, capturing him, and giving him a personal meeting with Mr. Drucker. Drucker tries to reason with Adam and turn him over to the dark side, then reveals what I've been suspecting all along: movie writers read too many comicbooks. They steal their ideas from the 4 colored genre, and not even the low profile shit, but the big name stuff! Yep, the movie's big plot twist is taken directly from the Spider-Man Clone Saga that pissed off many a fanboy back in the mid-'90s, as we discover that, yes, Adam 1 is really the clone and Adam 2 has been the real Mr. Gibson all along. To people like me, that little "secret" was hidden about as well as Godzilla in a fucking Dairy Queen. No, better yet, Godzilla in a Dairy Queen restroom!

Despite this mind shattering news, Adam 1 still refuses to join Drucker's freakshow, grabbing Mr. D to use as a human shield, who gets taken out by the overzealous Wiley, in his 3rd or 4th incarnation. Meanwhile, Adam 2 (the real one) re-infiltrates the building, cleaning out the place and saving his family while Adam 1 distracts the bad guys. Drucker dies eventually, but not before cranking out an imperfect clone of himself that was incompleted for some reason, looking something like Jeff Goldblum in the later stages of THE FLY, with misplaced flesh lumps, patches of undeveloped hair, and just all around uglier than a Pakistani man's ass. After Adam's shoot-out with Talia and Marshall results in the plant's destruction, the Drucker clone dies too, falling some 40ft from a broken skylight and snapping on the hard floor below. Then, following a laser-blazing, chopper flying finale, Adams 1 and 2 make it out okay, none the worse for wear and Arnold adds another vanquished bad guy to his resume... though I don't think Drucker was really a bad guy, just a misunderstood smart dude. He was only evil in the eyes of God fearing Christians, in which EVERYONE IN THE FRIGGIN' FREE WORLD IS CONSIDERED "BAD"!!! Adam 1 says goodbye to his "twin" and his "family", then heads out on a 3 week cruise to try and straighten himself out and get on with his life... also leaving the doors WIDE open for a sequel. We're talking "wide open" as in "like a Saigon whore's legs on payday". As for Adam 2, well, he was never really associated too heavily in the story anyway, so I guess it didn't really affect him that much. As for his family, I don't think they had any idea as to what was going on anyway, so who cares. If you think I do, then you're sadly mistaken.

THE 6TH DAY is to Arnold what DEMOLITION MAN was to Sly: a simple parody of the future starring some really bad ham actors in the lead roles. Just like DEMOLITION MAN, 6TH DAY is chock full o' wacky future quirks, like the fact that everything is automated, from doors to cars to bathroom mirrors. Also, everything is "extreme", even the air field Adam works for, Double X Charter, A.K.A. "the Extreme Express". That's what you get when the second most powerful person in the free world is a snowboarder. Oh, and about that XFL thing, this is the best part of the future: the XFL becomes bigger than the NFL and MLB combined. Yep, the opening scene features a fucked up looking XFL set up, complete with holographic score boards and digital playbook screens in the quarterback's visor that even warns him when he's gonna get blitzed! Man, the laughs just don't stop! Along with the little in-jokes about the future, there's also all the clone jokes. I was afraid that Arnold would be spouting some horrible one-liners like "Send in the clones", "Enough cloning around", or "I'm beside myself" but he didn't... though that one "go screw yourself" gag caused me to wince in pain. Sadly though, this didn't stop the cheesy nitwit from muttering some Godz awful puns and the like, but atleast the clone gags were left to the other characters. For instance, when Talia is first re-cloned, she bitches because she has to restyle her hair all over again and re-pierce her ears. Other great moments in clone humor include Wiley, the stupid jackass, blasting Mr. Drucker, prompting him to zap Wiley in return, and telling Marshall not to bring him back again. Another good one, Drucker complains because each clone costs him something like 1.3 million dollars each, and they could atleast make him feel like they're worth it. Of course, we also get the semi-colorful commentary by Arnold, like "how many times do I have to kill you!?", but like I said, he mainly sticks to the casual meathead jokes that have become his trademark. Speaking of the meathead...

Schwarzenegger will never, EVER, in this lifetime or the next (or the next), win an award for his acting. He's won many awards for his achievements in physical prowess, which I can understand. The guy's a walking steroid growth for shit's sake, but his acting is the quality of a stump, outshined by soap opera actors and car commercial guys alike. But, give the chunk of man a role where his lines are limited, like THE TERMINATOR, or where his lines are dubbed by someone else, like CONAN THE BARBARIAN, you can't go wrong. All the other acting was just fine though, especially Micheal Rooker, who shows he can keep his raspy voice in check if he tries hard enough. The action was pretty standard, though the CGI could've really used some refining. Come on people, after INDEPENCE DAY, you can't expect to impress people with out-of-focus helicopter jets and weak laser beams. If you're gonna use CGI, atleast so it right. he story itself was actually not bad, except for the Spider-Man twist, which, as I said, I saw coming from miles away. Sadly though, since he was also one of the producers, the story probably never would've made it off the ground without Schwarzenegger's cash, so it was damned if it did, and damned if it didn't. All in all, it's heart was in the right place, but two Arnolds are just two too many.

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: TOTAL RECALL or DEMOLITION MAN