Take one look at the MPAA rating of a "PG" on the cover for this, this, "thing" and you know it's gonna be lacking! Hell, add to it the fact that I hate movies consisting of an anthology of stories, and you can understand MY rating. It stars Peter Cushing and 30 people I've never heard of and of course it's based on the old TALES FROM THE CRYPT and VAULT OF HORRORS comicbook series from EC Comics. Some slow witted tour group gets lost in a series of catacombs and come upon some monk who sits them down and tells 'em stories (thank you mother goose). The first is "And All Through the House": some guy in a fez is reading "The Burley Observer" (quite possibly THE most homo erotic newspaper title I've ever laid my Death God eyes on), then his hot bitch wife splits his skull with a hot poker. As she goes about the clean up and cover up, a radio report in the background informs us of an escape psychopath stalking the city streets, dressed as Santa Claus... this is the story that everyone convicts SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT of ripping off. Sure enough, the evil "Santa" shows up at the house. The chick knows he's out there, but she's too busy covering up her own misdoings to care, so she just locks him out and continues her housework. But, her naive daughter lets the goon in (thinking he's the "real" St. Nick of course) and he proceeds to strangle mommy... she was on the naughty list. Next is Reflections of Death: a married guy gives up his wife and kids to run off with his mistress, only to die in a car wreck... after dreaming about it... okay, that was stupid. Next! Poetic Justice: some rich snobbish bastards want a kindly garbage man (Peter Cushing) to sell his junkyard to them in order to increase their property values. So they take away everything he loves including his dog, his job, and visits from the happy-go-lucky kids of town. To top it off, they have the whole town send him hate mail valentines (I've been doing that since the rise of the Old Kingdom ya copycats!). This leads the guy to hang himself. One year later he rises from the grave and rips his shithead neighbor's heart out. Victim #4 is Wish You Were Here (and no, it's not about Pink Floyd): after a business venture goes bad, a man and his wife have to sell their house. It then turns into a "Monkey's Paw" clone, when they get a hold of a wish granting statue and the woman's wish for cash eventually winds up making her husband deceased (featuring a cameo by me on a motorcycle!) then immortal, spending the rest of his days embalmed "alive". Okay, mambo #5... uggh... I mean story 5, Blind Alley: an asshole ex-Army General becomes the manager for a house for blind folk. Being a total Jew, he uses the budget for the house to fund his posh lifestyle while the poor and unfortunate sightless guys get the screw job treatment, being denied heat, sanitation, and real food. But, when one of their own dies, the mob o' blind ones lock the selfish fuck in the basement and deny him food and drink for a few days as they make a little present for him. Soon the Major and his equally starved dog are put into a boxed in area with walls full of razorblades (which is constructed pretty friggin' good considering it was made by a bunch of blind guys). The dog tears him up and the blind are left unattended. Yeah! End of stories! Now, after the monk reveals that each of the 5 tourists are actually in Hell and they just witnessed their individual deaths, we can shut this bitch off, pack it in the case, and send it on back to the discount rental store (unrewound no-less heh heh) for some other loser with bad judgment to rent! Man, muppet or not, the Crypt Keeper would kick this monk's sorry ass!

Sequels: VAULT OF HORRORS

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: NIGHTMARES or TRILOGY OF TERROR