When Universal released the Summer blockbuster THE MUMMY back in 1999, it was a huge hit and garnered shit loads of money. Enough to warrant at least one sequel, which is being the released into theaters as of the posting of this review. So, when this lower budgetted Russel Mulcahy flick was in the works for release, it was immediately knocked down to a D-t-V state. When you watch it you'll understand why Dimension did so, cuz there's NO way this movie could compete with the Brendan Fraser flick...

It all starts back in Egypt, 1948. As with EVERY mummy related film, a group of British guys are holding an archaeological dig amongst some ancient tombs and sand dunes. Heading the expedition is Richard Turkel (horror guru Christopher Lee) and three other guys that are of little concern. They uncover a tomb where the name has been left off the front door. Whereas this would mean they simply didnt want any junk mail in the normal world, Turkel thinks it's because the person buried there did something really terrible, just like every other cinematic mummy. Upon opening of the evil tomb, all Hell breaks loose, as the explorers are laid to waste by a deadly smog that decays and shatters their bodies (one guy falls to a really bad CGI head break). To prevent the deadly mist from escaping, Trukel sacrifices himself to contain the power of Talos (the guy buried in the tomb), blowing himself and the entrance to the tomb up with some well placed explosives. Not a bad opening to a film, but no that CGI head ranked in at new levels of pathetic FX, so let's move on...

Now, it's 50 years later, and Dick's granddaughter Samantha Turkel is on the path of her granddaddy, using his journal and the latest in modern archaeological equipment (as well as a team of expendable schmos with annoying British accents to operate said equipment). She traces the expedition back to it's eventual tragic finale in Talos's tomb. Her team uncovers a few things that her grandpappy's didn't like Talos was a sadistic mofo, and his tomb is really a former torture chamber... That's what my first tomb was like. But, no time for reminiscing, cuz Sam and her pals have cracked open the tomb. One of her apparently ex-boyfriends grabs her a pendant of the Eye of Horus and tosses it to her before he falls to his death. Wow, this is going well. Later we also learn that, not long after yanking Talos's sarcophagus out of it's resting place, the whole encampment also goes mad and starts bickering and violently threatening each other. I'm still not interested, and the sadest part is, this fact isn't even revealed until about 65 minutes into the movie...

Even later (7 months to be exact), the treasures of Talos are on display at the London Museum, including Talos's sarcophagus and the only remains of his mummy: his tattered bandages. Actually, they look less like bandages and more like long strips of elastic, but nothing else in this movie seems too realistic anyway, so who really cares, right? I thought so. One night things go horribly wrong, as the lights go out and two guards wind up dead, one with his eyes missing. Also, the bandages are gone... could it be that Talos is back, looking for revenge and recovering his old threads? Or perhaps it's a serial killer with a thing for dressing up like his favorite movie monster! Either way, the bandages are gone and two people are dead. On the case are two London detectives, one of which is our hero, Detective Riley (played by Jason Scott Lee... not to be confused with Jason Lee). The following nights more victims show up, but we the audience find out quite a bit more than the cops do (no surprise) as we witness the real killer: Talos's possessed toilet paper outfit! Yep, in a bizarre twist, the mummy's BANDAGES are actually the killer, collecting organs from it's victims. For what we'll find out later, but let's focus on this odd phenomenon first! Honestly, the only thing that gives this movie it's 2 1/2 face rating is the twist that the wardrobe is on the rampage and not the dried up corpse of some 5000 year old Egyptian! This allows for some unusual scenes as the bands (unbelievably long and durable I might add) do more than just strangle people or suffocate them. They actually throw people around and take the shape of a hulking mummy-like ghost that, well, throws people around, and it sucks gay men down public toilets!... okay, so the potential is pretty much wasted, due heavily to the fact that the CGI is just far too amateur for it to ever impress, but hey, at least the base CONCEPT is pretty good!

Anyway, while the gauze with a cause goes about wasting extras and the occasional second or thrid string character, Sam is stalked by her former boyfriend/co-worker Bradley (Sean Pertwee, the poor man's Russel Crowe from the EVENT HORIZON), who's gone completely off the edge since their ill-fated expedition and shaved his dome, painting it up with Hieroglyphs. When the cops find outabout Brad, they check his apartment for clues to the murderer's identity. What they find is a really low budgeted version of Kevin Spacey's pad in SE7EN, complete with Egyptian grafitti on the walls and ceiling, as well as a scaled down model of their expedition in the middle of his living room floor... complete with miniature tents and a sand box! Gotta love a man who takes such care and detail with his toys. But, as we all know, everyone should just do what Brad tells them to, because in there films, the crazy person is ALWAYS the one who knows what's REALLY going on! So, when the pigs come calling to his home, Brad jumps out of the shower, knocks em on their headpieces and escapes. He runs off to combat the evil threads on his own, with the help of a psychic friend of his (and no, she's not Dionne Warwick) and Detective Riley goes to "colaborate" with Sam as they try to find the fugitive Bradley, who they STILL think is the killer, despite all his crazy talk and shit... they've obviously NEVER watched horror movies. Problem is, if Brad does stop Talos's evil outfit, it means he WILL become a killer, as that's the only way he sees fit to do it, by destroying the vital organs so Talos own't be able to use them and ressurect himself during this big deal eclipse dealy going on. There's always some cosmic event going on in these supernatural monster flicks, whether it's Haley's Comet, a variation on Haley's Comet, or the just a flaming mass of Haley Joel Osment being hurtled through the blackness of space (the last of which would be coolest to see), it's always something.

Bradley, after failing to kill a dog, goes to Sam's apartment, because he feels that she's one of the victims Talos is headed for. He acts like an obsessed lover and attempts to blow Samantha and himself away, but the timely arrival of Riley prevents this, as he knocks the bald weirdo out cold before he can get a shot off. When he wakes up later at the police station in confinement, he agrees to tell Riley the whole story. Turns out that, while everyone at the archaeology outfit was going mad thanks to Talos's unearthed coffin, Brad had visions of Talos's evil acts. Turns out that the dark sorcerrer pissed off the Pharaoh something fierce because of his unholy sadistic rituals. But, before the Pharaoh's soldiers can come and slaughter the bad guy and his demonic followers, Talos had his minions eviscerate him and devour his still warm organs in an act of devotion and cannibalism. Why? Well, somehow this would later allow him (or at least his wrappings) to go out and reclaim said organs from the reincarnated bodies of those who devoured them... which is cool because they're not all human (hence why Brad tried to kill that dog), but is too fucking coincidental since they ALL happen to have been reincarnated in London... sometimes the life of a nitpicker is a very stressful one. Oh yeah, and Brad and Sam, two people who just happen to work together, are ALSO two of the five followers... just when you thought it couldn't get more obscene. After Riley leaves to check on Sam, his new love interest, the bandages make their appearance, killing Riley's partner and Bradley too before escaping through the ventilation ducts once more. You know what this means: Sam is the last one. Can her Asian bacon lover-to-be save her in time before she loses her heart to the curse, or will Talos cast his shadow over the world once more? Let's just get this over with, okay?

After a lengthy chase the wrapping do catch up with Sam, but instead of just killing her and pirating her heartmeat, the undead wardrobe instead kidnaps her and takes her back to it's lair underneath an abandoned construction site. Riley brings together Brad's psychic pal, two of Sam's friends, and Bradley's cadaver, and the group manages to find Sam's location of imprisonment. They make their way into Talos's lair, where they're all killed or possessed, except for Riley. Realizing that Sam's death will result in a greater good, he kills her in cold blood, at her request, with a slug right through the heart. But, this doesn't phase the fleshless Talos (who not only has bad CGI hooves and a Mr. Good Body suit, but also somehow manages to speak English rather well for a 5000 year old corpse), because he reveals that RILEY is actually the owner of his heart... I knew that Talos guy had to be smoking the meat cigars! Nice twist! So, Talos swipes Riley's heart, regenerates back to his fully evil form of flesh, and heads out to take the world by the balls! Or, whatever it is that 5000 year old sorcerers do for fun while vacationing in London. As for all the dead bodies, he gets his hypnotized minion to take all the blame, setting him up for a 100% clean getaway! Well, you can't say much for the movie, but at least it's always nice to see the bad guy win for a change!

Russel Mulcahy (the guy responsible for RAZORBACK and HIGHLANDER) disappoints me greatly here. I expected far more from him, and perhaps that's why I seemed to get so little. His camerwork was vastly uninspired. A chimp on PCP would make something far more interesting to watch than Mulcahy does with TALE OF THE MUMMY! The story's basic concept was great though, and the "evil wins because good is dumb" ending, like I said, is always gangbusters with me! However, this doesn't outshine the facts that the direction was bland, the acting was bland, and the FX were just... REALLY... bland. I don't know, just think of the second worst thing in the world and you'll have a parallel for these fucking pathetic CGI actions! I've seen the retarded kid next door do more on his PCjr than these imbecils fuckpods did with this movie! I can bitch about all the little story problems too, but I think I'll just linger on these damn FX the rest of the day... Bottom line, had this film gotten the attention of a better budget, hopefully improving upon the FX and maybe encouraging Russel to get off his ass and inject some more action into his style, TALE OF THE MUMMY could've been great! Then again, I guess a $40 billion budget can make even the Amish exciting and engaging... provided it's directed by James Cameron...

Also Known As: RUSSEL MULCAHY'S TALE OF THE MUMMY

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BRAM STOKER'S THE MUMMY or THE MUMMY LIVES