The classic Japanese superhero from another world makes his first out-of-Japan production in this Australian television series. Actually, for those of you who don't really know a lot about Ultraman, there's actually a whole army of these spandex-clad, big helmeted Martians in existence, as covered in more TV shows and movies and merchandise than I care to spend the time counting. Of these many different Ultrapeople, it's the "Ultraman: Towards the Future" shit that everyone's favorite Death God was exposed to during the adolescent years of his current mortal shape... gotta stop referring to myself in the third person... Anyway, my only real exposure to the Ultraman character came from videocassettes of this series, as well as the "Ultraman: Towards the Future" video game for my Super Nintendo (SNES is STILL the best fucking system ever!), the comicbook adaptation and I think I had some action figures based on this shit. Ultraman always tried to put the kung-fu Ultra-grip on my generic Godzilla figure, but generic Gamera always broke it up and the three would rumble into the kiddie pool! Of course I surrounded the pool with a circle of gasoline too, to give it the whole "Tokyo Harbor is in flames! Everyone die now!" atmosphere... I think I'll scavenge on e-Bay when I'm done here...

Anecdotes and twisted childhood games aside, my only other Ultraman experience was the "Ultra 7" show, which confused the shit out of me because of that Ultraman had horns or something on his helmet, making his head THAT much larger on his scrawny, red and silver Lycra figure. This was not MY Ultraman and I felt this impostor had no right even having the word "Ultra" in his show's title. Hell, back then I boycotted any of the numerous cleaning products with the word "Ultra" in the name! So, anyway, due to my impressionable young psyche, "Towards the Future" was the shit, pure and simple. I watch it now though and it doesn't carry the same effect that, say, ATTACK OF THE SUPERMONSTERS does, as my tastes have changed and my critical side has grown engorged and venomous courtesy of an overactive testosterone level. Basically, I hat everything, and not even the happiest childhood memories escape unscathed. "Signs of Life" is the first episode of "Towards the Future", and introduces us to our hero, Japanese science hero Jack Shindo. Jack and fellow pioneer of pocket protectors, Stan Haggard, open the show on the Red Planet, where they're conducting experiments or molesting ore samples or something. Suddenly, they discover something that all those satellite photos and out-of-date elementary school education films missed: giant monsters! And what do these giant Martian monsters do in their natural habitat? Why the same thing the giant monsters of Earth do of course! Beat on other giant monsters! Nobody knows why, but it's apparently necessary for survival if they're always doing it.

The monsters in this case are Ultraman (where a guy buys a spandex suit that large is one of the enigmas of the Universe) and the Gudis (puke colored, rubber faced tentacle cauliflower head thingy the size of a skyscraper), and their battle causes poor Jack Shindo to become trapped under fallen debris. He then orders his partner Spaceman Spiff, errr, Stan, to escape the madness without him and spare himself a similar fate. Stan reluctantly obeys, though he doesn't really "escape", as Gudis completely wipes out their spacecraft with Stan still in it. This leaves Jack the only witness as the clash of extraterrestrial titans come to an end, when Ultra uses the opening provided by Stan's explosive demise to unleash his ultra-funky-disco-pose-death-ray! This lethal dance move disintegrates the monster, leaving it's cloud of particles to dissipate from Mars and contaminate the Earth's atmosphere... don't ask how a cloud of dead monster cells can float the millions of lightyears to Earth in the time it takes to expunge a health shit from your colon, nor how it is that the cloud knows how to get there or manages to self-propel itself either, I didn't write this, nor do I know the people who did. As for the victorious Juggernaut known as Ultraman, he rescues the injured Shindo, forming some kind of bond with him, before we focus our attention Earthward, on Jack's fellow science warriors at the Universal Multipurpose Agency, who are worried that they've yet to hear from their partner. There's no time for missing co-workers though, because they've got their hands full with the Gudis's remains, which have interjected themselves into the Earth itself in the form of mutant bacteria! Earthquakes occur as a result and it's up to the UMA to investigate.

It's not long before the cause of these tremors is discovered to be a dual-headed beast known as Bogun, not shifts in tectonic plates!... read a grade school science textbook you heathens, I don't have time to explain earthquakes to you... Bogun was actually a mere tadpole creature until Gudis's monster bacteria infected it, manipulating the creature's DNA and transforming it into a giant reject from the Toho Studios lot. The creature smashes it's way through a construction site, crashing through the ground as if being born straight from Mother Nature's polluted womb... and yes, I recently purchased a book of metaphors to help make my reviews thought provoking, to help my readers visualize the situation better and to just all around make pocket protector commandos try zapping the beast with their tools of science (AKA lasers), Jack's female admirer/groupie Jean's plane gets swatted down. She awakens in Jack's arms, who returned to Earth courtesy of his new bestest friend, the interpretive dance machine we know as Ultraman Great! Now Jack has the ability to transform into the tights wearing juggernaut for 3 minute intervals (limited so by the Earth's polluted atmosphere) thanx to his gaudy new disco medallion that he wears around his neck, which allows him to battle the over-sized forces of evil with his high kicking dance steps and tye-dyed beam attacks! Becoming the extra large superhero from the stars, Jack battles and defeats Bogun, bitch slapping the mutant tadpole around a little before turning him into flaming chunks of monster and making the world safe for white slave trading and microwave dinners. Jack then disappears into the sunset leaving his teammates to ponder his whereabouts until the next episode. Hmmm, I smell this whole "why is Clark Kent never around when Superman saves the day" angle looming in the air...

Okay, down to the show's main points. One of the great things about Godzilla films is the detail and attention given to the model cityscapes. A lot of people cheer (or piss and moan) about the monsters, but I appreciate the hard work of the model builders. All the time and effort it takes to construct, detail and paint their creations, only to have them stomped on and crushed by some fat guy in a cheesy costume. However, the worms responsible for the models on "Towards the Future" are just pathetic. The buildings and accessories are so toy-like it makes me wretch. Then again, I guess a low budget tv show can't be a low budget Godzilla movie... then again again (?) the models on "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" were pretty damn good, so maybe these pricks were just lazy union fucks. The other big problem with the series is the 3 minute time limit (as well as the 20 minute limit of the episodes) rule, which makes for some rushed monsters battles and in turn results in disappointment for a guy who lives off the chaos and monster suit madness that comes with GODZILLA and GAMERA battle royales. But, not to take away too much from the show, I still think Ultraman is one of the better things to come out of Japan and there's a reason for that. So, to sum it up, Ultraman should kick the shit out of the Power Rangers, steal their FX and models guys and slowly integrate himself into their time slot. Hey, with all the stupid changes the writers and cast go through as it is, Ultraman's got his work cut out for him!

Here's a visual aide of Ultraman Great so you know who I'm talking about amongst the Ultrapeople. Then again, if you don't care about the Ultrapeople or never even hear about them again, then I guess this is pretty fucking pointless...

Sequels: this is just the beginning of an entire TV series...

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: GODZILLA VS. MEGALON or SUPER MONSTER GAMERA